Alien Life Discovered on Earth?

My son and I suspect that fuzzy, black dog number two (or fbd2, for short) may not really be a dog. As of this writing, we have yet to ascertain the black creature's species, or if she really belongs to the animal kingdom here on earth.

We, my son and I, have had numerous discussions on this very topic. There have been many guesses about the fuzzy creatures origins, but none have proven helpful. I have included below some of the main points that come up each time.

"Almighty Princess," another name we call her, does not like drinking from the communal dog bowl. Instead, she acts like a sloppy drunk, wandering from one drink to the next in search of leftovers. Water, tea, coffee or juice. It doesn't matter. If she can reach it, in goes the fuzzy little head. Lap, lap, lap.

Fbd2 gets violently ill every time she consumes any store bought dog food. I have to make all her food for her. This fact is partially due to a mistake which occurred at the vet. A knowledgable vet should be aware of what substance they are injecting into what creature.

Also, every time I trim her nails, they grow back. They grow back fast. And they grow back longer! She uses these incredible claws to climb vertical surfaces, like my front or the back of the sofa, much like a cat.

Most amazing of all, though, is her ability to slip into hibernation at will. Take a good hard look at the picture above. She's only eight pounds. She's easily the smallest of the three. However, she can sleep, unmoving, in my bed for up to 14 hours at a time. No bathroom or stretch breaks. Completely immobile. I don't even know of any humans that can perform that trick!

Anyway, when I get the dna and carbon lifeform tests back, there will be another blog post announcing my newest claim to fame. Until then, we'll just have to wait and see...

A Project Is Only as Good as Its Details

I currently work at a local school as a teacher's assistant for three great ladies. They give me administrative work, which suits me just fine. The more detailed and difficult the project is, the better. I'm quite familiar with the copiers our school uses and can make them do nearly anything I want.

Strangely enough, I've always been a project-minded kind of a guy, even as a young kid. No matter how old I was, each project had its own little details and nuances. I revelled in mentally ironing them out.

There was the Burmese tiger pit, for example. It had to be deep. The original plans called for a depth of no less than 10 feet. It had to have sharp stakes at the bottom since I didn't want to be mauled by a live tiger when I went back to claim my prize. It had to be well covered so it couldn't be seen by sharp tiger eyes. And, most importantly, it had to be someplace my dad wouldn't accidentally find or, worse, fall into.

I did complete the tiger pit. Considering all the sneaking I did to get my dad's tools into the woods behind our house and back again, and the amazing depth of my tiger pit, it came together in record time. About a month after commencement, the tiger pit was ready for its first victim! I diligently checked it throughout the rest of that summer.

Hindsight being what it is, I now fully understand the flaws inherent in that project. First, it seems there's a slight discrepancy between an eight year old's 10 feet and 10 actual feet deep. Secondly, long sharp stakes differ according to age as well. And third, my monumental disappointment at not being able to make my own tiger-skin carpet could have been avoided. It seems I missed the detail where you research the location and range of the quarry you wish to capture...

Expanding My Streak of Insanity for Another Year

Today's post is a very special one. "Why," you may ask, "is it so special?"

Well, this is our first anniversary, my dear readers. It was on this day (January 14) one year ago (2011), that I published my first post, "Fuzzy, Black Dogs Versus Two Inches of Snow." The same post, I might add, that my teenaged son holds as a standard for all the posts that have come since. So, according to my kid, the first was my best and one day, IF I'm lucky, I'll post another that might be as good or as funny.

Of course, I think all my blog posts, with the exception of a few serious posts, are pretty funny. However, I'm particularly fond of "Shooting Ducks" and "The Battle of Yorktown, Revisited." The first simply because I couldn't think of anything to write and I had a fun excursion into an odd writing exercise. The second because it was a direct result of a hilarious conversation I had with my son.

In fact, a good third of my stories come from conversations with my son. Fewer come from conversations with my wife, but that's due to no fault of her own. She doesn't have the same streak of insanity that my son and I share and loosely call 'humor.' She seems to be okay with this. Even more, she seems to be okay being married to someone with such a warped sense of humor.

A large majority of the rest are either taken from real life or have come from my head. That, as my son has said before, explains a lot. So as we venture into our second year together, let's have fun and see where my head will take us!

"Pardon Me... Do You Have Any Grey Poupon?"

I did some stupid things as a teenager. There were some go-cart, skateboard and bicycle stunts. There were even some fireworks experimentation that nearly blew appendages off my body. The one thing that was not part of my repertoire, however, was vandalism.

I've heard of all sorts and types of vandalism before. You know the stories... Toilet paper, eggs or other supplies applied to houses, cars and other personal property. I've even heard of burning people's yards and, of course, there's the famous scene from "The Help" where toilet seats were spread out in the front yard. Heck, I even know of a neighbor who had curse words written in his front yard grass with bleach!

But I have honestly never in my life heard of someone Grey Poupon'ing someone's car! While I'm glad to tell you I have now, I'm sad to report it was MY car!

What, exactly, were they thinking?

"Hey, Fred, let's go around and squirt mustard on peoples' cars."
"Better than that, Eddie, we can Grey Poupon (Dijon, or insert whatever fancy brand you like here) someone's car! Let's do it with style!"

Naturally, the person or persons who decided to mustard my car did it on one of the coldest nights possible, thereby creating a lovely form of frozen pop-art upon the side of my car. Silver, Volvo stationwagons, I imagine, make the best canvasses for this type of art.

Having said that, I'm beginning to wonder if I should clean the car, or sell it. It's possible that the art may actually enhance the value of my vehicle.

The Christmas Shuffle

Christmas may be over, but we aren't finished with it yet! The truth is, I've put it off for four days. It can't wait any longer. I started with the flat screen tv box in the living room and took it to the curb. The flat screen tv is in place and the old one is in the dining room. And that is where the trouble begins...

If we keep it, then we'll use it to replace the small one in the sunroom. And of course the shelves holding the small one aren't big enough for the larger one. Now, those shelves are where I was going to put the books I got for Christmas, so now those have to find a new home as well. That means the books may have to go to the bookshelves upstairs and the shelf will replace the jewelry chest of drawers that currently hold everything but jewelry.

Now the jewelry chest of drawers is homeless. It could be a great place to store cd's, dvd's, and Wii games, but there is no room for it with the new, rather large television set. The only logical place for it to go would be the office. Now we have the jewelry chest replacing the antique entertainment system (I call it an antique because it's a radio/record player/eight-track tape player!) that is as big as a sofa and takes up an entire wall. Why? Well, that's the only logical place for it to go.

Now we have to move the entertainment system to the only place it can possibly go -- the hallway. However, I have a credenza in the hallway that holds knick-knacks, a slightly damaged antique repro mirror and even more books. I won't even mention the books and other assorted items stored underneath the credenza. Some of the underneath "stuff" could go on my newly cleaned desk. The on top of "stuff" might be distributed amongst the bookshelve tops that are nearly brimming full with other "stuff," and the credenza could go to the dead space behind the sofa.

Now we have to figure out what to do with the chest full of more "stuff" currently residing in said dead space. The chest is stacked on top an antique card catalog. One day, I will convert it into an butcher's block island for my little kitchen. I could conceivably put the chest into the dead space behind the exposed chimney upstairs which was hidden by the jewelry chest.

That also means I'll have to follow through with the butcher's block island by putting a top and legs on it. My next obvious move will be to add on to the back of the house so I can enlarge my kitchen to hold the butcher's block island.

Voila! Problem solved. And rest assured I'll jump right on it after I test out my new flat screen tv with a Wii game or two. Oh, and lunch. And after...

My 2012 New Year's Resolutions

That time of year has come again. The end of one year and the beginning of the next. Duh. Regardless, I always feel compelled to follow the generally accepted New Year's traditions, which includes eating certain foods and making my own personal list of resolutions.

It seems I always follow the food tradition of pork, cooked greens and black-eyed peas. I didn't even know about this tradition until after I got married and my wife told me about it. Her mother and her mother's mother backed her up, so I knew it had to be true. However, I've found the stomach aches I've given myself over too much cooked greens every year for the past eight years hasn't brought me financial prosperity. Maybe this year will be the year. I'll eat 'em again this year.

I'm already taking stock of my successes and foibles; my attempts and failures; and my life in general throughout the past year. While I haven't come up with any grand pearls of wisdom, I have come up with a grand list of resolutions. Here is a sampling of my New Year's Resolutions for the year 2012:

1. I resolve to NOT collect any more fuzzy, black dogs (or any other color or type of dog). Three is enough!
2. I resolve to try to be nicer to my son's friend Ann. And I really will try...
3. I resolve to not use the same resolution I've used now for approximately five years. That would be "I, Phillip Haworth, resolve to take the New Year one day at a time, striving to do my best daily by compounding upon the knowledge I've gained in the days previous and adding to it the knowledge I acquired more recently."
4. I resolve to quit being goofy. Okay, I'm lying on that one.
5. I resolve to try to quit manipulating the English language for personal gains. (The fish I caught *is about 10 pounds!)
6. I resolve to never again used an electrical food processor.
7. I resolve to try not to make fun of Kat's odd little dog, Bear.
8. I resolve to take better, more professional photos than my 14 year-old son!
9. I resolve to continue to be the wonderful, loving husband I think my wife thinks I am.
10. I resolve to outcook (or try to, anyway) Ann's mom in the next chili cook-off!
11. I resolve to try to be the amazing person Frannie, my mother-in-law, believes me to be.
12. I resolve to have a personal photographer on ALL my fishing outings.
13. I resolve to drink... Not drink... Drink...  Nevermind. We'll come back to that one.
14. I resolve to try not to get into any more gift wrap tube duels with my son. He's quick.
15. I resolve to be nicer to the woman at the drive thru at the KK who can't audibly undertand the difference between the words "coffee" and "mocha."
16. I resolve to not collect any fuzzy, black cats, or fuzzy, white cats, or even the fuzzy, black and white cats who seem to have taken up permanent residence on my front porch!
18. I resolve to try to make shorter blog posts throughout the next year.
19. I resolve to make shorter lists that don't go on so long.
20. I resolve to never... Oh, yeah -- shorter list

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

*Note the use of present tense. I catch and release. It was probably not quite a pound when I originally caught it and I am going under the assumption that the fish in question is still possibly alive and thriving.

Phillip's Holiday Eating Guide

I'm a man of many hats... Father, husband, son, uncle, in-home sick care provider, cook, bill payer, lawn maintenance provider, home maintenance provider, general car fix-it guy, chauffeur... Okay. You get the picture. However, today I'm going to try on a new hat -- self-help diet guru!

What better way to try out my newest title than to help my readers through this troubled time (known as the Holiday Season!) with my vast and incredible knowledge about food and general dietary needs. Let's start with a brief quiz.

The food you are eating these days...
1. Is it sweet?
2. Is it salty?
3. Can you eat it for breakfast, lunch or dinner?
4. Does it come individually wrapped?
5. Do you inexplicably crave it at seemingly random times of the day and/or night?
6. Does it contain chocolate in any way, shape or form?
7. Is it fun to eat?
8. Would your (or any, if you don't have one) ten year-old son eat it?
9. Would dogs, cats, ferrets, parakeets or iguanas eat it if it is left out?
10. Can it be described as yummy, tasty or "Mmmmm-that-is-heavenly!"?

If you answered 'Yes' to any of the questions above, it's probably not something healthy to eat. If you answered 'Yes' to all of them, then I know it's not something healthy to eat and might cause you to gain a little holiday weight.

In years past, before I was married, I listened to my mother and 'stuck with green stuff.' In light of my holiday diet in years past, however, she has since rescinded that comment. Apparently, she was not referring to the little tree-shaped cookies with the the green icing, or the green M&M's, or green gummies, or green jelly beans, or... Well, you get the idea.

Keeping all this in mind, you have only two options open to you as far as what you can eat throughout this holiday season. The first would be plain, uncooked oatmeal straight out of the box. That means you can't put butter, salt, syrup, sugar or any flavoring on it. The second would be Brussel sprouts. They're green AND supposed to be healthy for you, though I've never actually witnessed anyone besides my mother consume one.

And there you have it! Just stick with Phillip's Famous Holiday Eating Plan and by the time January 1st rolls around, you'll be a leaner, meaner and more fit you! Happy eating and happy holidays!