Dear Santa, I Tried to be Good...

Dear Santa,

I've been good this year, relatively speaking. In fact, I've been a good husband, father, brother, son-in-law, uncle, brother-in-law, dog owner, teacher, friend, tutor, employee and inspirational role model.

I suppose my dog owner persona could probably use some improvement, but the incident in question, Santa... Well, it was justified.

Regardless, I'm really not asking for too much this year, I don't think, but I'll let you be the judge of that. With that being said, here it is:

I want a grill, Santa. I want a giant two stage, four grill top wide gas grill with all the bells and whistles, including the extra side burners, food prep station and locking wheels.

Also, Santa, I want a car. You know, that 'special' car. Do I really need to describe the "dream scream machine" again for the 40th time?

Just make sure it has that one feature where it is undetectable to police radar and scanners. There's no reason for that, really. I've just always thought it would be a neat feature...

I also want a clue. I never knew I needed one until after I got married and had a child. They sometimes tell me I need one, though I'm not sure why.

I appreciate the job, Santa. I really do. However, I was unaware of the fact that I had to specify that the six figures I requested the job have all come to the LEFT of the decimal point.

No more dogs, please, Santa! I've reached my quota of fuzzy, black dogs (or white, brown, golden or any other color dog for that matter).

Tell you what, Santa. Here's the rest of my list in one big lump. Many of these have been described before in pretty good detail, so I feel certain you know what I'm talking about by now.

A bass boat, a computer, books, a Karmen Ghia (it's a different car!), a dirt bike, five extra hours in a day, books, a beer making machine, a volunteer yard maintenance crew, books, a sailboat, an in deck hot tub and maybe some more books.

This is only the abbreviated version, Santa. Feel free to contact me if you want me to send the extended, full version of my wish list.

"Pardon Me... Do You Have Any Grey Poupon?"

I did some stupid things as a teenager. There were some go-cart, skateboard and bicycle stunts. There were even some fireworks experimentation that nearly blew appendages off my body. The one thing that was not part of my repertoire, however, was vandalism.

I've heard of all sorts and types of vandalism before. You know the stories... Toilet paper, eggs or other supplies applied to houses, cars and other personal property. I've even heard of burning people's yards and, of course, there's the famous scene from "The Help" where toilet seats were spread out in the front yard. Heck, I even know of a neighbor who had curse words written in his front yard grass with bleach!

But I have honestly never in my life heard of someone Grey Poupon'ing someone's car! While I'm glad to tell you I have now, I'm sad to report it was MY car!

What, exactly, were they thinking?

"Hey, Fred, let's go around and squirt mustard on peoples' cars."
"Better than that, Eddie, we can Grey Poupon (Dijon, or insert whatever fancy brand you like here) someone's car! Let's do it with style!"

Naturally, the person or persons who decided to mustard my car did it on one of the coldest nights possible, thereby creating a lovely form of frozen pop-art upon the side of my car. Silver, Volvo stationwagons, I imagine, make the best canvasses for this type of art.

Having said that, I'm beginning to wonder if I should clean the car, or sell it. It's possible that the art may actually enhance the value of my vehicle.