Fortune Cookie Writer for Hire

Even though I love egg drop soup, I'm not a big fan of Chinese food. Despite my ambivalence towards Chinese cuisine, my family decided to partake a meal at China Capital, our usual choice for oriental fare.

Being a writer, my favorite part of the meal is, of course, the fortune cookie.

Most of the time, the messages give you some positive spin on your future, such as "Those around you enjoy your candid personality," or "You will inherit a large sum of money." These were two we received last night. Mine said something about profits following me...

There are the rare occasions that you get an interesting, or fun, fortune. Not long after we got married, my wife got the best one ever. It said, "Now you know what an unemployed copywriter does."

Why can't the fortunes be more fun and exciting like that? I'm thinking I've discovered my next career move for my writing. Fortune cookie writer would look great on my personal writing resume. Instead of calling them fortune cookies, mine will be Phil's Fun Fortune Cookies.

In fact, I've already come up with quite a few fortunes for my new venture. Here is but a small sampling:

Help! I'm trapped in a fortune cookie factory!

Good thing you didn't eat the shrimp.

Hello, Kevin.

May the fleas of a thousand sweaty camels infest your armpits.

The person to your left just farted.

Anyone out there?

Don't turn around. I'm right behind you.

I'm thinking Chinese for dinner...

When you get a fortune cookie, do you read or eat first?

Did you see that?

Thanks! It sure was cramped in there.

Now what?

Do you smell something, too?

Is it safe?

You're going to write a large check and mail it to me soon.

A relative may be withholding important information from you.

What do you suppose your dogs are doing while you are eating out?

And my favorite? That's easy. Here's what it would say.

Reading and sharing Fuzzy, Black Dogs with your friends and family will only increase your health.

Spaniels Have Talented Noses

My creativity has been known to slip into other genres, or areas outside this blog. Besides the occasional poem and some children's stories, I've been known to do some creative texting.

My son and I have a tentative agreement as to who will feed the fuzzy, black dogs and when. On those few occasions that he forgets to feed them, Bob, the black spaniel (aka, his dog), sends him reminder texts.

Here is but a small sampling of the "reminder texts" that Bob has sent my son:

I. IS. HUNGWY. Dis bob.

Yo. Hungwy. Nuff said. Dis bob.

Da bob need food! Dis bob.

Umm. Hewo? Emptee bowl? Dis bob.

Hey! Forget sumthin? Dis bob.

Sooooo hungwy! Dis bob.

Foodfoodfoodfoodfood! Dis bob.

Daddy wubs me. He feeding me now! Dis bob.

Hewo. Iss been 18635... umm a wotta time in dog secunds and no food! Dis bob.

Soo fweakin hungwy! Dis bob.

Dood! Food! Need food dood! Dood? Dis bob.

Food make bob happy. Bowl emptee. Dis bob.

Being the awesome 15 year old he is, my son plays along with my creative insanity.

"That's amazing, dad," he exclaims. "How does Bob do it? Text, I mean. Paws?"

"It is amazing," I respond. "That dog has one incredibly talented nose!"

Golf Pro or Pro Golfer?

I made it through the golf tournament in one piece and I have great news for my readers... My team won the tournament! It was amazing! We had the highest score of the day!

Our final team score came out at two over par. If I remember correctly, the next highest score was a paltry one under par. Pshaw! We beat them by three.

I will admit that my fairway play lacked my usual finesse and flair. I didn't hit any trees or pop my ball onto the wrong fairway. However, I was able to help the grounds people out by aerating the fairways at various intervals throughout the entire course.

Don't despair, readers! I got some really good yardage on a considerable mound of earth on the 11th hole...

I jokingly told the country club employees my sponsor and father is a doctor. Being the good natured crew that they were, they went along with the joke, telling me they would send him the fairway repair bill. What a great bunch of guys!

My tee game went pretty smoothly. On several holes I managed to clear the end of the tee box. I even put the ball in the fairway on a few. Impressive, huh?

I was a little concerned about my putting game, though. The lack of windmills, chutes and loop-the-loops nearly threw me off. I managed to pull it together after a few holes and even made a few good putts.

Now I'm facing a dilemma of epic proportions. Do I quit my jobs at my elementary school and at my little drugstore to become a professional golfer? And, of course, which is better? Be a golf pro or a pro golfer?

Friday the 13th Goes Smoothly

People can be a superstitious lot. I am, too, but in a different way. Take yesterday, Friday the 13th, for example.

Most people seem to dread Friday the 13th. Hence, the lengths people go to in order to avoid the day, or just stay safe. Hence, also, all the great horror movies of the same name as the day.

Not me, though. For some reason, Friday the 13th's have always been good days for me. I've learned to look forward to them. I can't wait until the next one!

Yesterday, in fact, went exceedingly well!

I made it to school on time. Of course, I usually do. My first grade guided reading groups proved responsive and attentive. My second grade guided reading groups were also responsive and attentive. Now, they usually are, but, yesterday they proved positively academic! I think some learning actually took place!

Outside of guided reading, my first-graders seemed to hang on my every word. One of them may have laughed at one of my jokes... Hmmm...

My car rider line, which can sometimes be a cause for consternation, actually went pretty smoothly. One child who sometimes gives me trouble (he sometimes gives EVERYONE trouble!) followed my directions and did what was expected of him.

My good fortune even extended to the little drugstore at which I work. Not a single customer was rude to me. I didn't perform a single transaction void (for which I am famous!) or refund! Most unheard of!

Luckily, there will be another Friday the 13th before the year is out. Sadly, I will have to wait until December for it to get here.

Golf Sponsors? Apply Within

My church will be holding a captain's choice golf tournament later in September. My golf partner and best bud, Al, has convinced me that I need to join his team.

Of course I'd love to join his team. Golf is better when you have a sidekick along.

Each team will consist of four team members. I think it's called a captain's choice tournament. Translation: no matter how badly I do, my team still has a chance to win. To join, it's but a mere $50. 

Considering how much a teachers assistant makes, I immediately set out to find a sponsor.

Sure my golfing skills are legendary! One would think sponsors would be coming out of the woodwork for me! Unfortunately, Nike, Toyota and Titleist were nowhere to be found.

Be that as it may, there would be many advantages to sponsoring me for this golf tournament. The main advantage, of course, would be that you give all the other players a slightly better percentage chance of winning.

Yet another advantage would be that I'll write the name of your business across the back of my shirt. Or the front. Or both! As my sponsor, that, of course, would be your choice.

Also, a sponsorship would assure me a spot in the tournament, which, I believe, is walk-only. The advantage? You will either be forcing me to exercise, or else be secretly hoping I expire out on the links in Thomasville. 

That would be sad. Then I would no longer be able to write posts for Fuzzy, Black Dogs.

Please keep in mind the fact that, as a sponsor, you won't share any responsibility in any damages that may occur.

During my last golf outing, I may have caused a little course damage. However, I must have hit that five pounds of dirt and tee grass nearly 200 yards! Good distance for me!

As of the end of this writing, I have actually secured a sponsor. I am, by the way, willing to take on more sponsors (for any Nike, Toyota or Titleist reps reading this). Anyone else interested in sponsoring me for the golf tournament can reach me through Fuzzy, Black Dogs. Just use the comment feature to leave your credit card number.

No worries. I'll only use your cards for the essentials, such as cleats, golf gloves, golf cap, cleaning rag, fuzzy dice for my golf cart...