I Haven't Always Been This Way

Stress and trauma seem to be defining my life. I'm being forced to deal with some serious inner turmoil these days. You may be thinking, "Why?" Well, it seems that school is about to come to an end and I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it.

While it's kind of nice having a job that gives me summers off, I've already picked up a part time job for the summer months. I'm looking for a second one as well because I simply don't enjoy relaxing. It's too hard! It's too stressful!

One of the ladies I work with at the school asked me a few weeks back, "What don't you do, Mr. Haworth?"

Relax. I simply don't relax well, even when I'm trying to! Much to my family's chagrin, I don't relax well even when we're on vacation.

Having said that, I'm actually a little sad that school will be over very soon. Summer means a break in routine. Summer also means change. These two concepts and I don't mix well under the best of circumstances. In fact, these two concepts have been known to send shivers down my spine and sometimes shatter my rock, solid psyche.

I haven't always been this way, though. I used to relish summertime and all it entailed. Food, swimming, fishing, outdoors, food, vacation, beach trips, food, sleep, quality family time, fishing and food. And  it seems there was nothing quite like a good grilling or an awesome picnic!

So how am I going to deal the the stress and trauma I've managed to create for myself?

That's easy. First, I plan to put as many meals as possible on the grill on my back deck. Toast? Grill it. Cereal? Grill it. Baked beans? Grill 'em. Yes, I will be firing up the grill for this summer.

Second, I think I've got another part time job lined up, other than the fireworks stand. Originally, I was going to run the stand with my brother-in-law. Unfortunately, there was a geographical problem, so that didn't pan out like I thought it would. That's a shame since it might have been fun.

Third, I may have to plan a few picnics. The first one will probably be near the Wautauga River. Caught a few nice brook trout in there with my fly rod. There might be one by Badin Lake, where I've caught a few good sized bass. There might even be...

"Pardon Me... Do You Have Any Grey Poupon?"

I did some stupid things as a teenager. There were some go-cart, skateboard and bicycle stunts. There were even some fireworks experimentation that nearly blew appendages off my body. The one thing that was not part of my repertoire, however, was vandalism.

I've heard of all sorts and types of vandalism before. You know the stories... Toilet paper, eggs or other supplies applied to houses, cars and other personal property. I've even heard of burning people's yards and, of course, there's the famous scene from "The Help" where toilet seats were spread out in the front yard. Heck, I even know of a neighbor who had curse words written in his front yard grass with bleach!

But I have honestly never in my life heard of someone Grey Poupon'ing someone's car! While I'm glad to tell you I have now, I'm sad to report it was MY car!

What, exactly, were they thinking?

"Hey, Fred, let's go around and squirt mustard on peoples' cars."
"Better than that, Eddie, we can Grey Poupon (Dijon, or insert whatever fancy brand you like here) someone's car! Let's do it with style!"

Naturally, the person or persons who decided to mustard my car did it on one of the coldest nights possible, thereby creating a lovely form of frozen pop-art upon the side of my car. Silver, Volvo stationwagons, I imagine, make the best canvasses for this type of art.

Having said that, I'm beginning to wonder if I should clean the car, or sell it. It's possible that the art may actually enhance the value of my vehicle.