The fact that you're reading this right now means that I'm still alive, well and writing. I stared death in the face and lived to tell my tale! I took a licking and kept on... Ugh! Gross!
That could have been a good pun, but the event it refers to is just too fresh in my mind. Regardless, the above topic and pun reflect my first two resolutions for 2015. I resolve not to lick ANY dogs (ever!) and to create and print more and better puns and witticisms. Especially puns that refer to fish...
For the curious, here is the remainder of my list of New Year Resolutions.
I resolve to keep my readers updated on any weird, new products available to the unsuspecting public.
I resolve to hone my selfie-taking skills and take a good selfie of myself. Is that redundant? I'll also locate and eradicate redundancies in my writing!
Good focus, bad aim and perhaps a little less hair gel...
I resolve to overcome my addiction to Pop-Tarts. In case of failure, I plan to reduce my Pop-Tart intake. Significantly.
I resolve to run more 5K's in 2015 and the future. That's my contingency plan should my backup plan of the reduction of Pop-Tarts not work out the way it is supposed to.
My last ditch effort resolution should none of this work is to get Pop-Tarts to sponsor this blog. I wonder if they'd pay in cash or toaster pastries?
I resolve to petition Clairol to rename their hair coloring from Nice 'n Easy to something more accurate. Maybe just shorten it to Nice. I didn't perceive it to be that easy. Regardless, my wife will have to find someone else to help her in the future.
I resolve to take my idea for CeleBags to the guys on ABC's Shark Tank. Perhaps my first bags will be Mark Cuban, Kevin O'Leary, Robert Herjavec, Barbara Corcoran, Daymond John and Lori Greiner. I've heard schmoozing sometimes helps with those guys.
And, when I finally take down Christmas, I resolve to store the top of the Christmas tree in the same general area that I store the rest of the tree. Let's pray I remember THIS resolution a week from now!
My dear readers. It is with a heavy heart that I write this, but, alas, this could be my final post. I've been assassinated by a dog.
The guilty party.
Given my socioeconomic status, as well as my financial status, you may think I'm being melodramatic. However, keeping my celebrity status (as the creator of Fuzzy, Black Dogs, of course) in mind, I don't think so.
Regardless, as of this moment, I estimate that I have one hour and 20 minutes left to live. My teenager estimated two hours since the incident occurred.
Here's the incident in a nutshell. I was joking with my son and playing with Bob. I pretended I was going to lick Bob (pretend being the operative word here! Yuck!). Bob saw his opportunity and went for the kill and licked me. Two things touched that should never, ever come into contact with one another!
My son, who witnessed this transgression, did some quick math. He estimated I had approximately two hours to live. That was 11:45am, Eastern Standard Time.
Considering that Bob has eaten, literally, remote controls, oranges, canine excrement, trash, leashes, branches, bugs, lettuce, eggshells, dirty socks and other items unknown, my son and I are certain I'm a goner.
We spent a good 60 seconds pondering our mortality and fates. Then my son put a hand on my shoulder.
"You've been a great dad," he said, "but I've got things to do. So long, pop."
And off he went.
I should go now. I'm waiting for phone calls from J-Lo, Kimmy K. and Madonna, among others. They're sure to call to grieve with me.
Yet another incredibly awesome gift idea item at the little family drugstore in which I work, and just in time for Christmas!
It's the desktop drum set! You can set it on your desktop, right beside your desktop computer. Anytime's a good time for a great drum solo! Perhaps you just made a great pun and you need to accentuate it with a brief drum rift. Or, perhaps, you need a staccato burst to signify the importance of something you've just said.
Don't know how to play the drums? That's okay. A little practice on the desktop drum set and you'll be able to "Jam like a superstar!"
To make this deal a little more enticing, the drumsticks are included! Holy cymbal clap, Batman!
You better believe I'll be jumping on this deal! In fact, I have already measured the drums and know exactly where they will sit on my table at school.
While my principal is momentarily unaware of the upcoming purchase and placement of said drums, I have supreme confidence that she'll understand and back me on this little monetary venture.
After all, how distracting could a miniature drum set really be to a bunch of third, fourth and fifth-graders? No worries! It's all good.