Big Butt? Or Bad Jeans?

A first grade teacher suffered a wardrobe malfunction of epic proportions in a second grade classroom earlier today in a North Carolina school. Mr. Haworth, the first grade teacher, split his britches.

A keen eyed second grade teacher, Mrs. Haworth, was victimized when she spotted the offending posterior approximately seven feet in the air at the back wall of her classroom. Apparently, Mr. Haworth had been tasked with the job of hanging several dozen pictures upon the wall.

As of this writing, Mrs. Haworth is recovering from the shock by resting comfortably in a cool, dark room. Though visibly shaken, she seems to have suffered no long term damage and is not responding to further questions.

Mr. Haworth, however, seems to be suffering from a mental breakdown of sorts from the denim failure fiasco.

"I don't know how long they've been like that," Mr. Haworth told Fuzzy, Black Dogs (FBD). "I thought Mrs. Haworth was getting frisky talking about my back side. Then she upped and just walked out of the room.

"Once I discovered the hole, I said to myself, 'it just doesn't get any worse than this'. It got worse... There was a SECOND hole nearly as big as the first! To make a bad situation worse, Mr. Sir Mix-A-Lot started singing in my head...

Note the royal blue spots
which are NOT part
of the jeans!

"Oh, my, God, Becky. Look at his butt.
It's just so out there. I mean, really.
It's fallen out of his pants! Gross!
I mean it's scary looking! Aaacckk!

"I don't like that butt and I cannot lie!
I think your butt's scarred my eyes...

"There was more. That was a bit too much for me."

Our research team at FBD was unable to determine the time the infraction occurred. Between the luncheon restaurant, the small bit of staff at the school, and those at the grocery, approximately 35-40 people have potentially been exposed to this moving visual violation.

"Everybody today has been really super nice to me," Mr. Haworth said. "Until I discovered the holes, I had a really good day."

Here at FBD, we've been told the offending jeans have been properly disposed and replaced, and things have returned to normal.

First Grade Gems of Wisdom

Yet another school year has come and gone. Another batch of first graders. Another year of surprises and life lessons. Here are a few new gems of wisdom I've gleamed from the past school year...

Anything can be licked. The usual suspects of fingers, hands, and arms apply, but we've added more this year. Add to that list desks, iPads, chairs, pencils, erasers, and windows. First graders, as a whole, clearly don't have discriminating taste.

I discovered that you can prevent pencil chewing by hand sanitizing the pencils. Trust me, I know.

First graders, as a whole, are very quick to pick up on... things, in general. 
FG: Mr. Haworth! Wanna see a spider I just found?
Me: I'm... busy. But feel free to kill it if you'd like.

First graders are also an observant bunch.

FG: You have a butthole, Mr. Haworth!

Me: Why, yes, Ethel Gray. I certainly do.

FG: I can see it, Mr. Haworth!

Me: Wait... What?!

Cubbies cause pow wows. I'm thinking that next year, I may get rid of the cubbies and just install wall hooks for backpacks and coats. But if I do, I won't be able to eavesdrop on some stellar first grade gossip.

If you give one kid a piece of gum, they all want gum. That's a given. However, this year, if you punish one student, other students want to be punished too.
FG: You sent DeeDee to her desk! Why didn't you send me to my desk?!

Me: What? Um... Sure, Edward. Go to your desk. Now.

There is a direct correlation between the Bermuda Triangle and first grade classroom cubbies.
Me: Where is your lunchbox? I asked you to get it.
FG: It was in my cubby, but I can't find it.
Me: Go look again. Anne! Where is your lunch card?
FG: I set it in my cubby, Mr. Haworth.
Me: So get it, please.
FG: Um... It's not there Mr. Haworth. It's missing. Really!

Looks like the cubbies are out of here! How do I sell this idea to my principal?

The Three Week Pile Diet

Summer is quickly approaching and I just finished trying on all my shorts. Sadly, some of them did not make the cut due to winter storage shrinkage.

I stacked all the offending shorts together, placed them in an obvious place where I'll see them, and, in the process, inspired myself to come up with a brand new diet, aptly named The Three Week Diet.

Winter storage shrinkage...
It's real!

The simplicity of the plan is astonishing! In fact, it's so simple, it's sure to work.

Not only have I stacked them in an obvious place, but I've taken a picture of the pile, too. That way, I can make duplicates and place them by the cupboard, refrigerator, and other key places where food is kept. But not the secret chocolate stash. It's currently empty.

The premise behind the diet is that each time I go to get food, I have to ask myself "Will this help me get into those amazing shrinking shorts in three weeks time?"

As I think the plan out, I realize that I may need the picture taped to the dashboard of my car as well. That should be a reminder to NOT purchase the cream horns at the grocery store. Maybe a mobile picture, too. It would be placed on the grocery cart handle. A full pack of four cream horns only has a little less than 1,300 calories.

The mobile picture (and dashboard picture) will help as I go through fast food drive-throughs, the Hawia'an Ice Stand, the gas station candy section, the checkout section at the tackle store, the doughnut store around the corner from me, my favorite milkshake location... Well, you get the idea.

An update will be posted in three weeks time. It will include my progress, any tips or addendums to the diet plan, and any helpful observations I have made along the way.