The Truth About First Grade

We, meaning my teachers, decided to give our first-graders one last writing assignment for the year.  They had to write a letter to an upcoming first-grader, aka, a kindergartner, telling that person about first grade.

My last assignment as the first grade teacher assistant (I'll have new adventures in another role next year!) was to hand our soon-to-be second-graders sheets with five sentence starters. I even filled one out myself. Here it is, with the sentence starters in italics.

Dear upcoming first-grader,

You are going to have so much fun when you get to college. Or to the beach. If you're lucky, you can combine the two! Seriously, though, first grade is fun too. Really. It is. Should I try that one again?

You are going to have so much fun under your desk. Don't ask. I'm not sure. However, the kids that spend time under their desks often seem to be having the most fun.

You will never forget your teacher assistant. They're the best, especially good looking male teacher assistants. And, of course, your teacher. And any fun you happen to have along the way, such as time spent under your desk.

You need to know that your new teacher is out to get you. I mean, is not out to get you! I mean... Wait! Do over!

You need to know that your new teacher is a human being just like you. However, it's important to tell them how pretty/handsome they are. Regularly. And, instead of apples, they like Skittles. And Reese's Pieces. Oh, and M&M'S. Especially the peanut M&M's. Daily.
 

Remember to always duck. Chances are, you don't want the unidentifiable green objects that fly over from the next desk to actually touch you. It's best that you not know what it is or from where it originated. This may be a good time to practice crawling under your desk.

My final advice is take the time to learn proper protocol, such as the best way to crawl under your desk. The why is not important. It's all about the how and doing it with grace and panache and not getting caught until you are fully underneath the desk.

Your big buddy,

Mr. Haworth

Friday the 13th Goes Smoothly

People can be a superstitious lot. I am, too, but in a different way. Take yesterday, Friday the 13th, for example.

Most people seem to dread Friday the 13th. Hence, the lengths people go to in order to avoid the day, or just stay safe. Hence, also, all the great horror movies of the same name as the day.

Not me, though. For some reason, Friday the 13th's have always been good days for me. I've learned to look forward to them. I can't wait until the next one!

Yesterday, in fact, went exceedingly well!

I made it to school on time. Of course, I usually do. My first grade guided reading groups proved responsive and attentive. My second grade guided reading groups were also responsive and attentive. Now, they usually are, but, yesterday they proved positively academic! I think some learning actually took place!

Outside of guided reading, my first-graders seemed to hang on my every word. One of them may have laughed at one of my jokes... Hmmm...

My car rider line, which can sometimes be a cause for consternation, actually went pretty smoothly. One child who sometimes gives me trouble (he sometimes gives EVERYONE trouble!) followed my directions and did what was expected of him.

My good fortune even extended to the little drugstore at which I work. Not a single customer was rude to me. I didn't perform a single transaction void (for which I am famous!) or refund! Most unheard of!

Luckily, there will be another Friday the 13th before the year is out. Sadly, I will have to wait until December for it to get here.

Students - Three, Teacher - Nil

School has begun yet again. The work days leading up to the students arrival were uneventful. I actually got to bed on time. Everything was going smoothly until I woke up and -- BAM!

I had stepped in the shower, which is the first thing I do upon waking. That's when I dropped a new, full bottle of shampoo. I managed to hit only one of my ten toes. I went through my day believing piggie R4 (right foot, fourth toe) to be broken.

As the week progressed, I discovered the toe was not broken. Sore and swollen with an infection, but not broken.

As of this writing, it's already been an interesting week, and it's not even over yet! One of our twins mouthed off at me in the hallway.

Now, don't get me wrong, she wasn't 'mouthing off' at me in a bad way. To the contrary, she was silently enunciating each word carefully, as if to quietly warn me there was a guy with a hockey puck mask and machete right behind me. There wasn't, obviously, but she was clearly trying to tell me something. 

And then there was the kindergartner. I don't usually deal with kindergartners, unless they're in my car rider line at the end of the day.

I won't say who won, but we went about three rounds. He cheated. When the bell sounded to end the rounds, he did NOT go to his corner! And he hit below the belt, figuratively speaking, of course.

There is to be no solace in the cafeteria line for this little ole' teachers assistant. That was where one of my girls looked at my name tag and asked me who was in the picture on my name tag. Then she scrutinized it a bit longer, noting every detail and looked up at me again.

"Hey," she said, finally. "Is that YOU in that picture, Mr. Haworth?!"

I wasn't sure how to interpret the incredulity that I noted in her voice.

I either look a lot better than I do in that ID, or else I look a lot worse. Could I have aged that much in three years? Don't tell me. I don't want to know.

First-Graders Can Be a Little Scary

Life is still crazy as a first grade teachers assistant. The workload still keeps me busy (luckily), my coworkers are still cool and the kids can still make me laugh.

Sometimes they scare me, too. Nothing strikes fear in my heart like the phrase, "I think you're confused, Mr. Haworth."

I must say, it is quite amazing how observant those little six and seven year-olds can be.

"You got a haircut, Mr. Haworth," one student told me recently.
"Why, thank you for noticing," I said to her.
"I couldn't help but notice, Mr. Haworth," she responded. "You needed it pretty bad!"

There are other times when my students are spot on and I would do well to be more observant myself!

"What," my student said.
"What do you need, buddy?" I responded.
"What Mr. Haworth," he said.
"I said, what is it," I asked, keeping my cool.
He said 'what' one more time, giving the word a little more emphasis. The girl beside him began to giggle.
"The word on the the flashcard is 'what,' Mr. Haworth," she said.
Well, it turned out the flashcard word was 'what.' That was not the same word that was on the back of the card. As I flipped through the cards, I discovered all the cards had different words on the fronts and backs.

Score: kids, one; teacher assistant, zip.

Who knew the upside-down words on the backs of the cards weren't the same as the words on the fronts of the cards?! Go figure!

The bad news is that, with this being my second year at the school, a large portion of the second-graders remember me from last year!

"Oooh Mr. Haworth," said one of my first-graders from last year. "You got a haircut! It looks better than that time you spiked it!"
"Mr. Haworth has never spiked his hair," I told him.
"Actually," a teacher behind me said, "it seemed pretty spiky last year when you got that really bad haircut."

Funny, I'm not sure if I mentally blocked that experience out or if I just plain forgot about it. Regardless, I believe the current score comes to kids, two; teacher assistant, still zip.