Fortune Cookie Writer for Hire

Even though I love egg drop soup, I'm not a big fan of Chinese food. Despite my ambivalence towards Chinese cuisine, my family decided to partake a meal at China Capital, our usual choice for oriental fare.

Being a writer, my favorite part of the meal is, of course, the fortune cookie.

Most of the time, the messages give you some positive spin on your future, such as "Those around you enjoy your candid personality," or "You will inherit a large sum of money." These were two we received last night. Mine said something about profits following me...

There are the rare occasions that you get an interesting, or fun, fortune. Not long after we got married, my wife got the best one ever. It said, "Now you know what an unemployed copywriter does."

Why can't the fortunes be more fun and exciting like that? I'm thinking I've discovered my next career move for my writing. Fortune cookie writer would look great on my personal writing resume. Instead of calling them fortune cookies, mine will be Phil's Fun Fortune Cookies.

In fact, I've already come up with quite a few fortunes for my new venture. Here is but a small sampling:

Help! I'm trapped in a fortune cookie factory!

Good thing you didn't eat the shrimp.

Hello, Kevin.

May the fleas of a thousand sweaty camels infest your armpits.

The person to your left just farted.

Anyone out there?

Don't turn around. I'm right behind you.

I'm thinking Chinese for dinner...

When you get a fortune cookie, do you read or eat first?

Did you see that?

Thanks! It sure was cramped in there.

Now what?

Do you smell something, too?

Is it safe?

You're going to write a large check and mail it to me soon.

A relative may be withholding important information from you.

What do you suppose your dogs are doing while you are eating out?

And my favorite? That's easy. Here's what it would say.

Reading and sharing Fuzzy, Black Dogs with your friends and family will only increase your health.

Friday the 13th Goes Smoothly

People can be a superstitious lot. I am, too, but in a different way. Take yesterday, Friday the 13th, for example.

Most people seem to dread Friday the 13th. Hence, the lengths people go to in order to avoid the day, or just stay safe. Hence, also, all the great horror movies of the same name as the day.

Not me, though. For some reason, Friday the 13th's have always been good days for me. I've learned to look forward to them. I can't wait until the next one!

Yesterday, in fact, went exceedingly well!

I made it to school on time. Of course, I usually do. My first grade guided reading groups proved responsive and attentive. My second grade guided reading groups were also responsive and attentive. Now, they usually are, but, yesterday they proved positively academic! I think some learning actually took place!

Outside of guided reading, my first-graders seemed to hang on my every word. One of them may have laughed at one of my jokes... Hmmm...

My car rider line, which can sometimes be a cause for consternation, actually went pretty smoothly. One child who sometimes gives me trouble (he sometimes gives EVERYONE trouble!) followed my directions and did what was expected of him.

My good fortune even extended to the little drugstore at which I work. Not a single customer was rude to me. I didn't perform a single transaction void (for which I am famous!) or refund! Most unheard of!

Luckily, there will be another Friday the 13th before the year is out. Sadly, I will have to wait until December for it to get here.