List-itis

Like most of us, I suffer from many maladies. Some of them are real, but a large majority of them, I've been led to believe, probably are not.

During my youth, for example, I suffered debilitating, nearly fatal, food allergies to anything that could be misconstrued as healthy. Boy, that was rough period of my life!

My latest malady, however, seems to go in a different direction entirely. It seems I suffer from a chronic case of needtamaykalistitis.

This disease has managed to integrate itself into almost every aspect of my life. On my iPhone alone I have lists of potential blog posts, songs I want to download, books I want to purchase, my ongoing Christmas list, my gluten ingredient list and my 'to get' list for items I need from my little pharmacy.

On my computer, I have a running, continual list of all the novels I've read since my teen years. Yes. It's long. I have a notebook with a numbered list of countries that have viewed Fuzzy, Black Dogs. (It's 62, in case you're wondering.)

My strange need for lists has seeped into other areas of my life as well. The first thing I do upon arriving at work? I make a list, of course. There are few things as gratifying as a checked off list of things to do.

I can't even walk into a grocery store without a list in hand. There's no telling what would come home if I didn't have my list.

My wife recently sent me to the store for three items. I pulled out my ever present pen and began to write them down, but she quickly stopped me.

"You don't need a list for three items," my wife said. "Butter, baked beans and bedding. Three things. Remember B-B-B. You can do this! Butter, beans, bedding!"

I went to the store chanting butter, beans and bedding. Butter, beans and bedding. I grabbed a cart. Butter, beans, bedding. I rolled into the store. Butter, beans, bedding.

Imagine my surprise when I arrived home with butter beans, beer and bacon nestled innocently in my grocery bag! My cashier must have switched bags on me. Pretty sneaky.

I think the lists are due to the massive amounts of knowledge I've crammed into my brain. By writing down the nonessential things, I make sure there's room to cram more important things.

My wife, being the awesome woman she is, seems to have figured this out as well. That would explain the "butter beans bedding" text I received on my second trip to the store.

Phone Apps Prove a Pain in the App!

I was attempting to write this post while I was walking to my car after school last Friday. Luckily, none of my coworkers saw me walk into the wall while I typed away. I could have avoided that, though, because there is an app for that!

Sure, I could have looked up and watched where I was going. No fun! Or I could have utilized Type and Walk and avoided my collision.

The app makes use of the camera on your iPhone, or handheld distraction device of your own choosing, and displays an image of what is right in front of you on the screen. I'll be getting the upgrade version, myself. Wouldn't want to be hit from the side by an out-of-control first-grader or unseen car!

As a matter of fact, I've discovered a whole host of crazy, pointless apps.

One app is simply called Pou. Pou? Yes, Pou. It is brown and shaped kind of like a... Hmm. The ad says you can feed your pou. You can take care of your pou. You can even watch your pou grow!

Pou? Thank you, but no thanks.

On the not so silly scale, there are all sorts of exercise program apps that you can download. I put C25K (Couch to 5K) on my iPhone not that long ago. I had to become reacquainted with the 'couch' part after my dental work. Good news, though. I've started over and am back on track!

I found one app simply titled Pocket. Apparently, if you find something on the Internet you want to keep for later, you simply put it in your pocket. Kinda takes away from the fun of printing everything out and panicking the night before, say, vacation because you can't locate your itinerary, reservations, directions, etc.

Of course there are apps for all the social media out there -- Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumbler, Vine and many more that I know of only by name. If you are into meeting people with green unibrows, I guarantee you there's a social media app for that!

The food apps? Let's not even delve into that! There are apps out there to help you be gluten free, lactose free, peanut free, tree nut free, fat free, dairy free, sugar free and frog intestine free!

Okay, I made up the frog intestine free. However, I feel certain that if you look long or hard enough, you could probably find it.

I'm in the process of designing my own app. It will be called the Bobinator. The irony in the name is that Bob, my extraterrestrial spaniel, eats everything. Everything.



Bob, the extra-terrestrial dog that eats EVERYTHING!



The app will pick up on the sound of Bob eating something he shouldn't and emit a high pitched shriek which should stop him. Not many things can stop that dog from eating, but my fingers are crossed for the Bobinator.

C25K Runner Experiences Wardrobe Malfunction

After going out on my second run on my C25K (couch to 5K) iPhone app, it seems I'm already experiencing some technical difficulties. First, I may be out of shape. Secondly, I may be out of fashion. Third... Never mind the third since the second could cause me mental anguish and trauma!

My second run was much harder than the first. My shins hurt some during the running parts. I found myself a little out of breath by the ends of those parts, too. Add to that the amount of sweat pouring off my body...

Perhaps it was because I didn't have any company. Maybe the route I picked was harder than the first run. I'm pretty sure I was running against the wind the entire time. And uphill.

It's supposed to get easier, eventually. I plan to tough it out a little longer to test that theory! Either way, be prepared for an app review post in the future.

The second technical difficulty can be summed up with the following math equation.

= DORK?!

 

At the moment, I'm a little limited with my running gear and ensemble. Pictured above are my sole pair of running shorts and but one of my running shirts. According to my wife, none of my t-shirts actually match my running shorts. I dare her to tell Piggly Wiggly about that!

Regardless, it was a fellow runner who made me realize that my running attire could stand a make-over. She matched. Her running attire -- shoes, socks, shorts and shirt -- all matched! I was quite impressed.

Apparently she was, too, judging by the smile I got from her as our paths crossed.

I felt sure she was either noting my excellent form, running style and natural grace, or else adding the above equation to a much more appealing sum!

Couch to 5K Program Initiated. Couch... Check. 5K?

I'm attempting something new -- I'm writing this post from bed. I've got my water bottle and 500 count ibuprofen on my bedside table. I tucked a heating pad beneath my back to emanate some soft, soothing heat. A tube of Icy-Hot waits idly by...

I started my Couch to 5k (or C25K, as the app shows up) program earlier today.

I had downloaded the app to my iPhone some time back. Like any good exercise program, I needed to ponder it for a couple of months before attempting such a radical undertaking.

The good news is that during those two months, I got the couch part down cold. Today I decided to embark upon the second part. 

I put on a pair of plaid running shorts. I donned the closest thing I have to running shoes. I stretched some, put my headphones in and out the door I went!

The app should be called 5K2C (5K to couch). Thirty minutes later, after my "5K," I managed to drag myself into the front door of my house and collapse on my couch. 

As I slowly decomposed, my two tagalongs bumped exuberantly in through the door. They included my son, dressed up in jeans and a bow tie, and his fuzzy, black spaniel. They seemed no worse for the wear. Such is the advantage of youth!

Perhaps I should switch back to my other running program. It involves more running, faster running and harder running. It's pretty strenuous simply because the monkeys are fast and you can't let them catch you. 

The distances are longer, too. I usually exceed the 5K distance when I play Temple Run on my iPhone. I just can't figure out if I get more exercise running as Guy Dangerous or Scarlett Fox.

Goodbye, Summer!

News flash: school is right around the corner. As a teachers assistant who is nearly staring at three brand new classes of first-graders, I can't help but contemplate over the past summer. No matter how you dice it, this summer has been a rough one.

We didn't even make it to the pool this summer! Of course, that's probably because we didn't even join the pool this summer. With the increased membership cost, I thought it might be more economical to install an in-ground pool in my back yard! Perhaps I'll start digging next May, weather permitting...

This summer hasn't really been a complete bust. The family Kiawah vacation went smoothly, I can add alligators to my unusual list of fishing catches and I seem to have significantly reduced the population of fleas currently cohabitating in my home!

And, happily... No. I mean sadly... Wait, whatever. As of this writing, I have not yet kicked my dependency problem and, because of that, pizza remains a constant staple in my diet.

And then add to that the fact that I got an iPhone. That, actually, could be taken either way. I'm still in the process of getting the hang of this thing. I've just discovered you can change fonts in the notebook! Nifty!

The 'mustard bandits' struck again early this summer. It seems that they have upgraded to grocery carts, though. After sporting a caved in door nearly the whole summer, it took me and my son all of 45 seconds to fix it with a wet, soapy toilet plunger.

And I thought the neighbor who told me about the plunger was crazy for suggesting it. Who knew?

Sadly enough, the freeze pop diet still remains a work in progress, along with all the other potential diets. Also, my back deck remains hot tub-less.

Good news, though! There's always next summer...

New Technology... Is That an App?

I'm currently fighting a battle. You could call it a battle of good versus evil, but that might be laying it on a little thick. No, it's more like a battle of old school sensibility versus new age thought processes.

Loosely translated -- technology is kicking my butt!

I am the proud, new owner of a previously gently used iPhone. I'm discovering that there are many, many things that this phone is capable of doing. That list also includes many things I don't think I am capable of doing, iPhone or not!

Just when I was getting the hang of my iPod, technology throws me a knuckle sandwich, so to speak. My last blog post was written and posted on this strange device. Notice the change in font and photograph that doesn't seem to be there.

It has a camera on it. I actually have a rudimentary knowledge of how to use the camera and have taken numerous photos. The photos impress me when my wife has a moment to pull them up to show me.

Here is a photograph of my foot. For some reason, those come quick and easy for me! I'll share this one before it gets deleted, like all the others.

This thing even takes video! We haven't ventured into those waters, yet. Patience and time... We're taking this one step at a time.

I thought I had the calculator figured out until I turned my phone sideways. Holy *bleeeep*!! Trig kicked my butt in high school! Is this an app? Lord, tell me it's not so!

I have a stocks function on this iPhone. As of this writing, NASDAQ is -1.61, whatever that means. When I can afford to have my dogs groomed, perhaps I'll invest in stocks. But not the NASDAQ. I'll only invest in things with positive numbers.

Get this... I can even surf the Internet! Except, for me, it's more like getting ploughed over by a tsunami.

I've been informed by a trusted source (my 15 year old) that touch screen technology is not new. It's fun, but you have to be careful what you touch and how you touch it.

I started out in Yahoo! news. I tried to scroll down, but a new page came up. Since I didn't need the hair growth formula, I hit the back button. It seems I have wide, or fat (or whatever!), fingers and a dating site for lonely Asian women came up. Big button. Do over.

My second time around, I started with Google. I was attempting to get a business phone number and address. Let's just say that you also have to watch what you search for. I won't say what came up. I will tell you that typos in the search line can be disastrous.