Alligators and Old IPhones Prove Problematic

We're on day two of our lovely full-family Kiawah Island vacation, and I still haven't been able to take a good alligator picture for my readers.

It's not that I haven't seen any gators. Gator visibility isn't the problem here. The actual problem is my iPhone.

Notice the clarity of this yellow-petaled, short, long leafied plant. Basically, plants don't move and are easy to photograph. Gators, however, do and are a bit more difficult. (Note, if you will, my amazing botanical knowledge of Kiawah Island.) My iPhone doesn't take very good photos of things that move.

Plants, like this short, green leafied, pink flowery plant, don't shy away from people. I don't have to use my zoom function, which blurs everything to the point where it looks like a UFO. Or Bigfoot. Take your pick.

Thus far, I've had to use my zoom for all my gator pics. Note, in the photo above, Bigfoot peeking out of the water at me.

Also, because I'm utilizing an iPhone 3, I don't seem to have an autofocus feature available. That means I have a set distance I need to be in order for my pics to be in sharp focus. Notice, above, how well I shot this purple, short, feathery-fuzzy flowering plant with narrow leaves.

With all that being said, in order for me to get a good gator photo, I'm going to have to get up close and personal with one of the great reptiles. The distances I go for my awesome readers!

So keep reading Fuzzy, Black Dogs. I will soon be posting (hopefully) a spectacular photograph of a Kiawah Island alligator for my fans. Look for the post titled "High Point Man Harasses Alligator, Kicked Off Resort Island" or "High Point Man Eaten by Alligator."

Griswolds Make Grizzly Neighbors

I've lived at my little corner now for approximately seven years. In all that time, I've only recently discovered that Clark W. Griswold, the fictional character from the movie "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation," lives directly behind me!

The poor guy recently fell off his roof. It happened around 10pm one evening, several weeks back. Thankfully, he did survive the approximate 25-foot fall. Sadly, he didn't escape injury.

He could've been stringing Christmas lights, though I heard he was cleaning out his gutters when it happened. That late at night, both stories sound dubious, if you ask me.

Regardless, it wasn't until a week ago that I finally made the connection between the neighbor and his similarity to Chevy Chase's movie character. A week ago was when Cousin Eddie moved in.

I must have been at work when the RV first rolled into place. Now the view out my kitchen window consists of Eddie's RV in the road in front of their house, yellow and orange power cords racing between the house and the mobile, silver living quarters. 

I find it strange that I didn't make the connection earlier. When we first moved in, he introduced himself in my back yard in the dark to my mother-in-law. He was barefoot, wearing a t-shirt and underwear, and sporting a steaming cup of coffee. He informed her that he was an insomniac.

For approximately three years, he woke my wife and me up every weekend in the Spring and Fall. During those seasons, every Saturday without fail, he cranked up a bulldozer at 6am in order to grade his back yard. 

That's a whole lot of grading! One would think he was building a pool.

Turns out it took three years of grading in order to make his man cave! The back yard 'storage shed' he built covers more square footage than my house! The two-story structure is replete with electricity, AC and running water. So that's all the other noises we heard...

Goodbye, Summer!

News flash: school is right around the corner. As a teachers assistant who is nearly staring at three brand new classes of first-graders, I can't help but contemplate over the past summer. No matter how you dice it, this summer has been a rough one.

We didn't even make it to the pool this summer! Of course, that's probably because we didn't even join the pool this summer. With the increased membership cost, I thought it might be more economical to install an in-ground pool in my back yard! Perhaps I'll start digging next May, weather permitting...

This summer hasn't really been a complete bust. The family Kiawah vacation went smoothly, I can add alligators to my unusual list of fishing catches and I seem to have significantly reduced the population of fleas currently cohabitating in my home!

And, happily... No. I mean sadly... Wait, whatever. As of this writing, I have not yet kicked my dependency problem and, because of that, pizza remains a constant staple in my diet.

And then add to that the fact that I got an iPhone. That, actually, could be taken either way. I'm still in the process of getting the hang of this thing. I've just discovered you can change fonts in the notebook! Nifty!

The 'mustard bandits' struck again early this summer. It seems that they have upgraded to grocery carts, though. After sporting a caved in door nearly the whole summer, it took me and my son all of 45 seconds to fix it with a wet, soapy toilet plunger.

And I thought the neighbor who told me about the plunger was crazy for suggesting it. Who knew?

Sadly enough, the freeze pop diet still remains a work in progress, along with all the other potential diets. Also, my back deck remains hot tub-less.

Good news, though! There's always next summer...

Bumps Make Vacations Great!

Normally, during our yearly Kiawah Island vacations, something goes awry, amiss or just plain askew. This years trip, it seems, went exceedingly well. I even got along we'll with the rest of my family!

Don't get me wrong, though. Every good trip has its bumps, however minor.

Take the fishing, for example. My nephew caught several grunts, and I don't mean little kids. I caught bluefish, shark and a sting ray. Sadly, none of what was caught was cooked or eaten.

I also fished with my nephew in one of the ponds that litter the island. I caught tree branches, the bridge we were fishing on and no fish. I did, however, manage to hook an alligator.

This, incidentally, is the gator a mere moment before he attacked my fishing lure!

Go figure, right? Now, everyone knows that you're not supposed to mess with the gators. I didn't really mess with him, per se, but I certainly didn't think he'd take my fishing lure! He took two lures, in fact! I had to cut my line twice simply because I didn't think I stood much of a chance at landing a four foot gator.

And then there was the bike ride. Instead of being chased by the tide (like last year), this time around we were chased by a storm. One family member in particular felt certain we could outrun the storm. That prediction proved slightly erroneous.

As luck would have it, we found a large metal tunnel to keep us dry and safe while it lightninged and thundered. My son and I joined my father, older sister and nephew, who were already huddled inside! After five long minutes, my 15 year old decided to take his chances playing out in the rain.

The only other 'bump' would be the bike ride back in the driving rain. The fact that one member of our little group was grossly out of shape, whined, moaned and complained the rest of the way didn't make the ride any easier. But at least it gave me something to do!

Vacation Turns Into Survival of the Fittest

Today marks the third full day of our family vacation at Kiawah Island. Today may also mark my last day -- period! Allow me to explain this a bit.

We were up this morning at approximately 7 am. With my family, if you're not up with the rest of the family, then you have basically missed out on breakfast and the morning committee which maps out the days itinerary. While I avoid trying to affect said itinerary, it's good to know what it is ahead of time.

The itinerary went something like this. The morning would be dedicated to the beach. Noon is always lunchtime. Lunchtime is always transition time. After lunch we would all bike to the end of the island to see the dolphins and have fun if Phillip remembers to bring his cast net. Following that, we would have to have a quick dinner in order to bike to the park so we can partake in a most rousing game of Bingo. After biking back from that, the evening is every man for himself.

Beach time turned into feed the fish time. My father and I both fed the fish for approximately 45 minutes. We both gave up. He fell asleep in his chair and I went in the water with my poor son. I say my poor son because he keeps stepping on sharp shells and cutting his toes. We managed to get back and lunchtime went smoothly.

Then came the bike ride to the end of the island. I became alarmed about the biking when I found out that my older sister trains her kids for these Kiawah trips weeks ahead of time. Her strict exercise regimen explains why her kids were ready for fun while I had to take a nap at the end of the island upon my arrival.

We saw dolphins. We caught all sorts of fun and interesting stuff with my cast net. We did actually have fun at the end of the island until the tide came in.

I'm sure you've heard someone warn, "careful, the tide comes in quick!" It seems like such a harmless statement until you look up and can actually SEE the tide really coming in. My son and I ran like mad for our nearly submerged bikes. We mounted up and rode through almost of foot of water, taking the long way simply because it was the shallowest route to safety.

Compared to our harrowing escape from the end of the island, dinner was a calm, pleasant affair.

Now, I'm no slob. But I'm no exercise nut, either. So far during the last three point five days I've logged what seems like 50 miles on bike. And now they're telling me to mount up again for Bingo?

I'm happy to tell you that I made it to Bingo. I also made it the the ice cream place. At the moment, I've made it to my bed. My only hope right now is that I make it through the night!

Strange Happenings at the North/South Carolina Border

You know how sometimes a strange feeling just comes over you? Just an odd sense of dread or impending doom? I had one of those moments just shortly after dinner this evening. Prior to that, though, my day was marked with strange occurrences and incidents.

My day had started early, as I was heading out on vacation with my family. Most of my family are an odd species that like to wake in the wee hours of the morning in order to get an "early start."

I have one thing to say to that -- 14 year olds. Have you ever tried to wake one? Unh-huh... Good luck.

Anyway, I had purchased a 24 bottle case of Coronas to last me the trip. As the car crossed the state line from North Carolina in to South Carolina (with Kiawah Island being our posse's ultimate destination), the case shrank. Instead of pulling Coronas out of my car, I pulled a case of Coronitas out. Each of those bottles shrank to seven ounce beers! How is that for bizarre?

And then there was the peanut butter and salsa I purchased for the trip. I'm fairly certain I remember putting that bag into the car. It wasn't long after we passed into South Carolina that my wife texted, "U 4 got the pnut butter and the salsa on the counter."

Most bizarre was my secret stash of peanut M&M's. I purchased a large bag for myself that I had NOT intended to share. When I went to retrieve it... Nothing.

I've since interrogated every member of my family over the age of 10. While my mother remains under a cloud of suspicion, no one has reported seeing anything. That bag of peanut M&M's seems to have magically vanished. I strongly suspect that North/South Carolina border...

And then, following dinner, we went out behind the restaurant to look for alligators. I was enjoying my rocking chair when a piece of ice hit me from no where. I determined the source and sent one flying back at my son. That way we were even Steven. Several more flew at me at once. I sent one hurtling back fast and hard, once again, evening the score.

The next series of events as I see them (which may be debatable) are as follows: the remainder of his cup of ice was hurled at my general anatomy. This was done willfully and purposely. Uncoincidentally, my cup of water and ice spilled down the back of his shirt -- inside his shirt, no less! -- accidentally when I tripped. Karma, I think, directed that and made us even.

That's when it hit me. A feeling of impending doom sent a shiver throughout my entire body.

The next thing I know, I spied my 14 year old coming at me with malice in his eyes and an ice water in each hand. I reasoned. I threatened. Then I panicked, turned and ran. As I jumped on my bike to make my speedy getaway, he made his move. He was quicker, and the bike ride home was a cold and wet one.

No worries. This matter remains unresolved and there will be consequences. And when those consequences arrive, they will be silent, swift and stealthy.

True Grace and Style Never Go Unrecognized

(Travel Date: February 4, 2012. Blog Post Num. 34.4932.78)

The first full day of vacation on the Royal Caribbean cruise line Monarch of the Seas started off poorly. A word to the wise -- don't put off until tomorrow that which needs to be done today!

Normally, one of the first things that my wife and I do upon reaching our travel destination is to organize and put our clothes away. Had we stuck with that plan, then Friday would have ended badly and Saturday would have started better. Somehow, it seems like it would be better to end a day on a bad note than to start a day on a bad note.

As we began organizing and putting our clothes away, I noticed that we had forgotten to pack a few items. Most of the missing items, as it turns out, were minor inconveniences that were easily handled. However, I discovered an essential piece of clothing missing from my wardrobe. I've been home now for approximately two days and I still can't find the missing items! I'm down to only four!

In order to prevent any scarring upon the minds of my readers, I will not mention what it was that was forgotten. Suffice it to say that I had to go "al fresco" (as my sisters and I used to call it ages ago) throughout the remainder of our vacation. For those of you unfamiliar with that term, I believe it is more commonly called going "commando."

A little bit later in the morning, the day got rougher, literally. My wife and I sat and watched the whitecaps and the waves for a short while. The spray coming off the tops of the whitecaps began wetting us down and making us just a little chilly. Once we moved away from the pool, everything got a little better. Or at least until I ordered the bucket o' beer.

A good bit later in the day, my wife and I found ourselves by the pool again. The bucket seemed like a good idea. Through sheer coincidence, as the waiter handed me the bucket, one of the straps on the deck chair gave away underneath me.
"That was not smooth, man," he said in what sounded like a smooth, Jamaican accent.
"That's why I got lite beer," I laughed, handling the situation with true style and panache.
Apparently it was a good joke. He laughed. He was probably thinking what a witty, stylish guy I was as he walked away, leaving me to extricate myself from the chair. I pulled myself out of the hole and inspected the straps. Aha! It was just as I suspected. I discovered some dry rot on the broken strap.

He probably knew about that. If he did, it would explain why he gave me respectful fist-bumps each time he saw me throughout the remainder of the cruise.

"Look... We Can See the World from Here!"

(Travel Date: February 3, 2012. Blog Post Num. 32.4587.29)

The Haworth Herd (since there's too many of us to be called the Haworth Party) made it to the airport successfully and without incident. We arrived at the US Airways counter, en masse. An intimidating sight for any agent, I'm sure, but the US Airways representative behind the counter seemed to take it in stride.

After an interminable amount of time and conversation elapsed, I distinctly heard the agent say that it seemed our flight tickets had been cancelled. Well, he said in his friendliest, no-nonsense way, it seems that they were cancelled back in November. Strangely enough, that was also the same time that my parents booked this cruise ship vacation.

Naturally, several in our herd whipped out cell phones and began making phone calls. The phone calls yielded nothing, of course, since the travel agency we used to book this vacation was NOT open at six o'clock in the morning! The nice airline rep also said it looked as though our travel agent was the one who cancelled the flight.

It occurred to someone that if the travel agent cancelled our flight, did they cancel our trip as well? Would we be able to board the cruise ship? I immediately called "dibs" on the front position of the new boat we might be taking. You know the spot -- the person in the front with the megaphone calling out "Row! Row! Row!"

We managed to clear that mess up with our super nice US Airways rep. Everything seemed to be in order. We were finally ready to go. All we had to do was make a mad dash to the idling-and-nearly-ready-to-take-off  plane waiting on the tarmac. The counter rep read off the list of names for whom he had create a flight ticket. However, one name was missing... Mine!

Some time later, as I sat comfortably -- or as comfortably one can get on a plane -- I heard my seven year-old nephew sum up the situation well to his brother. Shortly after take-off, he said, "Look Dave! We can see the whole world from here!"