Family Wedding Traditions

My family has a well established, time honored tradition concerning couples about to get married. We like to honor the sanctity of love and marriage by embarassing the bride- and groom-to-be through good-natured fun.

Take my wedding, for example. I may have forgotten to mention this aspect of my family to my wife. So the bulletin board at our rehearsal dinner came as no suprise to me, and a complete suprise to my wife. One side of it contained pictures of me and the other side those of my wife, and all were taken before we ever met. I will tell you one photo was of me when I once sported a mohawk, but I won't describe any of the others.

Regardless, I had a niece get married recently and, being a Haworth, I felt the need to follow our long established tradition. Since the wedding came quick, my son and I performed our little presentation at their informal wedding reception. Keep in mind that by family standards, this is rather lame and not nearly embarassing enough. With that in mind, this was our presentation.

As you go through life
you'll discover many facts.

Some may be obvious,
some may cause cataracts.

First thing you'll learn?
Life is a great big mess.
(The paper towel roll was pulled out here. Other items were pulled out as mentioned.)

One roll of paper towels
can sometimes clean this.

But there are other messes
paper towels can't touch.

Toilet paper fixes THOSE.
I'll tell you that much!

Have something to remember?
A pencil might do,

like this wood and graphite
yellow pencil -- number two!

Relationships are sometimes
like paper... Made of crepe.

When it starts to rip,
you'll need some duct tape.

Watch out for those times
when you'll both feel worn down.

Just change out your batteries,
then reverse your frown.

When all else just fails
and you just need some spice--

Atomic Fireballs
will do very nice!

Whether you lose power
or end up in the dark.

A candle -- preferably lit --
might renew that little spark.

"Don't put your eggs in one basket,"
a good word to the wise.

This reminder Easter egg
may prevent your demise!

But life is not simple.
It can be so very short!

So here's one piece of advice
of the poetic sort.

When you're REALLY upset --
Don't get angry... Don't be cross...

Just stand up and scream,
"Butternut Squash Spaghetti Sauce!!"