Alphabobnoxious

This may come as a complete shock to my readers, but I can sometimes be a little over-the-top. Trying is another word that has been used to describe me before. My wife came up with a new one this morning, but I have yet to discover it!

I attempted to wake her up. I jiggled the bed. I shook her. Then I jiggled both her and the bed. I pulled on her blankets. I even tickled her a little, all the while chanting, "Honey. Baby. Shnookie. Honey. Baby Shnookie..."

"I'm thinking of a word to describe you right now," she said. Her voice had a menacing edge to it. "It starts with a--"

"A!" I said quickly. "You're word is adorable! Right? Or perhaps audacious? With a touch of awesome?"

No and no. I quickly turned this into an alphabet game, creating a word to describe me with every letter of the alphabet.

Bumbling, or bubbly? Cute? Dependable? Effervescent? Fun? Grandiloquent? Happy, or humorous? Irrepressible? Jovial? Knowledgeable? Loquacious?

"Loquacious certainly works," she said, "but you haven't gotten the letter or the word right. I see what you're doing. Feel free to stop any time." She hid under her blanket as I continued.

Marvelous, or moronic? Probably marvelous. Naturally sweet? Obnoxious? Practical? Quick-witted? Remarkable? Stubborn? Tenacious? Unyielding? Vivacious? Wacky? Xquisite? (Yeah, I cheated!) Youthful? Zoostunder? (Not a word, but I explained to her that's what mortals would call me. If I were a god. If.)

She's got some nerve! She invited me to leave, immediately, and started her own list, as she threw pillows at me.

Annoying! Bothersome! Cretin! Dork!

I didn't hear what was next. I exited quickly. My wife is good with words too.

Family Wedding Traditions

My family has a well established, time honored tradition concerning couples about to get married. We like to honor the sanctity of love and marriage by embarassing the bride- and groom-to-be through good-natured fun.

Take my wedding, for example. I may have forgotten to mention this aspect of my family to my wife. So the bulletin board at our rehearsal dinner came as no suprise to me, and a complete suprise to my wife. One side of it contained pictures of me and the other side those of my wife, and all were taken before we ever met. I will tell you one photo was of me when I once sported a mohawk, but I won't describe any of the others.

Regardless, I had a niece get married recently and, being a Haworth, I felt the need to follow our long established tradition. Since the wedding came quick, my son and I performed our little presentation at their informal wedding reception. Keep in mind that by family standards, this is rather lame and not nearly embarassing enough. With that in mind, this was our presentation.

As you go through life
you'll discover many facts.

Some may be obvious,
some may cause cataracts.

First thing you'll learn?
Life is a great big mess.
(The paper towel roll was pulled out here. Other items were pulled out as mentioned.)

One roll of paper towels
can sometimes clean this.

But there are other messes
paper towels can't touch.

Toilet paper fixes THOSE.
I'll tell you that much!

Have something to remember?
A pencil might do,

like this wood and graphite
yellow pencil -- number two!

Relationships are sometimes
like paper... Made of crepe.

When it starts to rip,
you'll need some duct tape.

Watch out for those times
when you'll both feel worn down.

Just change out your batteries,
then reverse your frown.

When all else just fails
and you just need some spice--

Atomic Fireballs
will do very nice!

Whether you lose power
or end up in the dark.

A candle -- preferably lit --
might renew that little spark.

"Don't put your eggs in one basket,"
a good word to the wise.

This reminder Easter egg
may prevent your demise!

But life is not simple.
It can be so very short!

So here's one piece of advice
of the poetic sort.

When you're REALLY upset --
Don't get angry... Don't be cross...

Just stand up and scream,
"Butternut Squash Spaghetti Sauce!!"