What Do Skilled Writers Do?

I sometimes like to help my wife grade her students' work, though she won't let me touch the English papers. I'm not sure why. If you don't mark everything (and I mean everything), how will they learn?

Regardless, we're only four weeks into the school year and I've already received quite the education from both her kids and mine.

My wife went down. Last year, she taught fourth-graders. This year she is teaching second grade, and she's very thankful for that. Me? I went up. I am now working with third, fourth and fifth grades.

So it was no surprise that I found myself helping out by grading my wife's second grade math papers. You know, kids are great. Their answers may not always be correct, per se, but sometimes they are really pretty accurate.

Here are just a few of the questions from the papers I graded.

What is the value of three dimes, one nickel and three pennies? The answer given -- Monday. 

Wow! Nailed it! Mondays are pretty worthless.

What is two days before Saturday? The answer given -- Monday.

Another asked what is two days after Monday? The answer given -- Friday.

Wishful thinking, kiddos. Wishful thinking.

While I've also learned a bit from my upper grades, my favorite thing is a poster in one of my fifth grade classes. It's titled (not entitled - English lesson!) "What do SKILLED writers do?" Each student wrote on it what they thought skilled writers do.

Here's a brief sample of their contributions.

[Skilled writers] Take neat notes.

[Skilled writers] Use action words.

They make books.

They use gramer.

[Skilled writers are] Storyiers for people to read.

And my personal favorite:

they wriite flawlessley...  I guess...

I'm currently working on my next flawless blog post. It will be neat, since I'll compose it on the computer. It will also include some action words.

EOG's Test... Knowledge?

It's EOG (End of Grade) testing time again. Boy are those tests grueling. But I don't think the tests were quite as bad for the kids.

This year's test results were phenomenal! In the classroom that I proctored, we recorded no less than 73 yawns, 16 audible snores and only one seemingly self-induced coma. While we're not exactly allowed to talk about the test, I can tell you that it's a lot different from when I was in the fifth grade.

When I was that age, we called the tests... Never mind. I won't print that. However, the teachers and administrators called them the CAT's, otherwise known as the California Achievement Test.

Thinking back on those tests, I have since discovered why they were called the CAT's. First, I think I read that the questions were created by some free-spirit from California who was probably smoking crack. Second, the rows of "bubbles" to fill in were so incredibly long, you felt you'd actually achieved something by making it through the test without passing out. This is especially true if you made it all the way to the end of the test before "time's up! Pencils down," was yelled. I never did.

And third, it seemed like they only tested one's ability to read and answer questions quickly, but not necessarily accurately.

I actually remember the teachers telling me (many decades ago!) that the CAT's will reflect the sum of our knowledge we have gained throughout the school year. Judging from my own personal math portion of the test, my knowledge may not have been added correctly.

Also, judging from my incredible ability to mentally freeze up under a test with a timed deadline, it's a miracle I even got halfway through the test before the teacher yelled her announcement, "time's up! Pencils down!"

I'm glad to report that I'm still alive and kicking. And those CAT's didn't mentally damage me... Too badly, anyway. And, perhaps, there's a free-spirited Californian on crack who has summed up all the knowledge I gained in school. I hope to meet him one day so I can find out what I learned.

First Grade Writing

I think my kids look forward to Guided Reading with me. I have them writing all sorts of fun things. I don't generally get to write along with them.

They write things like "If I were the tooth fairy, I would..." "My favorite book is... And here's why..." and "If I were the gingerbread man, I would..."

"Why don't you have to do this, Mr. Haworth," I've been asked before. Duh! I'm the teacher, that's why! More interestingly, I was asked recently "Why have you always got to know about our business, Mr. Haworth?"

One of my favorites was the gingerbread writing assignment. I started it last year, but have expanded on it this year. I certainly don't allow my kids THAT much time for their writing assignments!

With that being said, if I were the gingerbread man, I would start a guitar band and I would name it Gingerbread Stud Muffins.

My band would be four guys and, being the gingerbread man, I would play the bass guitar and be the cool one. Everyone knows the cool bassists get all the chicks.

Which would be pointless since we would have concerts at elementary schools, starting with the one I work at now.

For our first concert, we would invite all my first-graders to hear us play in the gym. Of course, they'll all get A's just for showing up and knowing who that really cool gingerbread bass player is. And then...

Saving Children from Spiders

Anyone that really knows me knows that I am not a big fan of spiders. No matter how small or non-life threatening they are, I simply don't care for those spindly, evil-looking little critters.

I usually love this time of year when the weather cools down. However, this time of year also kind of sucks. Allow me to explain that a little.

I generally like it when the temperature drops and the weather cools down. That means cool, crisp air. That means cold, wintry nights. That also means the king and Spanish mackerel are running at the coast and THAT means good fishing and great eating! Ever had a fresh mackerel steak?

Anyway, the cold weather also equates to more spiders inside the house! Apparently they've got some intelligence if they're trying to come in out of the cold, right?

Well, on the morning in question, one large and particularly ugly black spider decided to come in out of the cold. I found him on the ceiling in the entrance to the cafeteria at the elementary school I work at. In other words, right above my head!

After an avid search, I was unable to find anything to reach the offending creature to eradicate him, or her, by the only method I know to deal with such things -- squish!

Regardless, I did find the custodian. The great thing about our custodians is that they know how to handle nearly any situation thrown at them. Before I could blink, that venom dripping, massive black spider was gone, the children were safe once again and I could breathe a little easier.

But that left one other little problem -- explaining myself to the custodian. I would have gotten it, I explained, if I could have reached it. I just didn't have...

Recalibrating Calendars Pose a Problem

I have to admit, I would be remiss if I didn't share a blog about my "day" job at the local elementary school where I work as a first grade teacher's assistant. While I feel I usually handle 'bumps' and 'hiccups' smoothly, the last few days have been a little less than smooth for me.

We all have 'off' days where we don't seem to get it right and the harder we try, the less we get right. Tuesday, which was really Wednesday, was one of those days for me.

Calendar math is really a straightfoward kind of thing. We go over our calendar together, how many days we've been in school, the monthly and weekly pattern, weather and coins, straws, throw some fun math in there and, presto, calendar math! Unfortunately, the presto wasn't quite there yesterday.

When I do calendar math, I always start out with the current date. The girl I called on told me it was Wednesday, Oct. 10, 2012. I had to explain to her that it was Tuesday, not Wednesday. Then she contradicted me. I stuck to my guns, so to speak.

"Uh, Mr. Haworth," said another student, coming to her aid. He simply pointed at the calendar.

It seems I may have hit the recalibrate button on the calendar. I suddenly noticed that my pointer was pointing at Wednesday and it was indeed Oct. 10, 2012. How a paper calendar can recalibrate itself is beyond my comprehension. However, one of my other teacher's calendar seemed to be suffering the same malady.

Also, I have finally reached the point where I have learned all my kids names. Sadly, I have also reached the point where I have so many names in my head that I start to get them all  mixed up.

I have one student whose name I've remembered since the first day of school, which is remarkable because remembering names is not my strong point. In one day's time, I know I called that particular student Ethan and Evan, neither of which are his name. And, yes, his name starts with an 'E.' I think I may have called him Edgar and Eddie, too! Luckily, though, he wasn't aware of those little mess ups.

Maybe my name problem is not so bad since another student called me Ms. Hoover today.

Tattoos Are Taking Over the World

I'm back on car rider duty at school. That was one of my original duties earlier in the year. I have made two very interesting observations while on morning car rider duty.

First is that no one, and I mean NO ONE, drives a manual transmission vehicle any more. Out of all the cars that come through dropping kids off at our school, I have seen three straight drives among them. The second is that it seems as though everyone has a tattoo these days.

The first observation is simply shameful. There are very few things that exist in this world that can compare with the thrill of maneuvering a straight drive (anything) through the twists, turns, stops and starts of city driving. Even better is when you get that same vehicle out on the highway, shift into fifth (or sixth) and just simply go, go, go.

And furthermore... Nevermind. We'll save that neurosis for later.

As for the second observation, it amazes me how many moms and dads sport tattoos upon their bodies. I've seen them on shoulders, arms, wrists, necks, legs, ankles and feet. Any other tattoos in any other places are none of my business. And they're all different, too! Like snowflakes, I've never seen two just alike.

As for the actual tattoos, I question the ones that are oriental characters. I'm convinced that somewhere out there is a tattoo artist laughing his you-know-what off because the guy who thinks he's sporting a tattoo that says "stud muffin" is really walking around with a tattoo that says, "butter muffin."

Now with my new part time job, I see even more people on a regular basis with all sorts of tattoos. I still haven't seen the same tattoo twice. Some of them seem to be in Spanish, as well as the occasional oriental character. Some seem quite simple and small, and yet others are quite ornate and, I dare say, borderline on sheer artistry.

Naturally I've decided that I'm going to have to join the ranks of the star-belly sneetches and have my own metaphorical star upon my belly. However, it's not going to be a tiger, snake, barbed wire, oriental character, butterfly or initials. It's not even going to be on my belly! It certainly won't be a star, though that might be kinda cool in a Seuss-ish sort of way. Instead, I'm going to have "Red hot smoldering volcano of manliness" emblazoned upon my shoulder.

There are only two small obstacles, which I think I can overcome, standing in my way. The first is that my idea is a lot of words. I'll either have to go with a really small font size, or start lifting weights to bulk up my shoulder to fit all those words. The second? That would be my wife and my son. Being my voices of reason, I usually bounce ideas off of them before I do anything that they would consider foolhardy, or just plain stupid.

While I think I got this one in the bag, wish me luck anyway.

New Test in the Works for American Children

It's that time of year for schools and students alike. That dreaded "T" word that makes kids tremble in their shoes and feign all sorts of illnesses. Testing. No matter what you call them, or what initials they go by, a test is a test is a test!

While I am not allowed to talk about my school's testing that we are currently undergoing, I can certainly tell you about mine! It's a special test. I created it myself. It's a non-specialized, specialized test whose sole purpose is to rate students' skills in real life situations.

Here's a brief sampling of my little exam:
1. You purchase a combo meal at a fast food restaurant drive-thru. You pay for it with a $10 bill and you:
a)get $5.37 change.
b)get a cold soda/hot coffee spilled in your lap within five minutes.
c)get a $5 bill and some change which will end up dropping somewhere onto the floorboard where you will never be able to reach without turning off the car, getting out, sitting on the ground and reaching in through the open door.

2. Three fuzzy, black dogs are:
a)two dogs too many!
b)three times the love!
c)fine, as long as they have been trained to NOT jump on you and lick your face the minute you sit/lay down to relax.

3. Your 4 year-old child dumps your fishing bait into the lake, then proceeds to tell you that he "liberated" the minnows you purchased to fish with. You:
a)tell him through a forced smile how incredibly proud you are that he used such a big word correctly.
b)punish him severely. Those itty-bitty minnows cost good money!
c)realize that it's hopeless due to other family members cheering and congratulating him and simply try to move forward.

4. Your car breaks down by the side of the road in a torrential downpour seemingly in the middle of nowhere. After you pull your vehicle safely to the roadside, you then:
a)begin cursing immediately, then call your brother/significant other (or insert any other car-knowledgable person of your acquaintance here) to come and save you.
b)calmly assess the situation, then proceed to fix the flat that has placed you in this nasty, wet predicament.
c)call AAA, then wear the battery down listening to your favorite cd to the accompaniment of a lovely rainfall while waiting for the tow truck.

As I said, this is only a small sampling of what will be known as the PEIAT (think car company Fiat, only with a hard P), aka Phillip's Everyday Important Answers Test. While, technically speaking, there are no wrong answers to my test, there are some answers that are simply 'more correct' than others.

I feel supremely confident that you will see more of this test in the future. THIS, in fact, is sure to be the test of choice for all educators across this great nation of ours. Look for it soon!

Six Year-Olds Notice Everything!

The children at the school I work at continue to amaze and surprise me, as well as make me laugh. And the best part? They're usually not afraid to ask questions that don't pertain to school work. Nor are they afraid to say what they think.

"I like you skunk, Mr. Haworth," one of my students said recently.
"What skunk," I asked him, puzzled. "What are you talking about?"
"Your skunk," he continued, pointing above my head. "In your picture!"

Way back at the beginning of the school year, I painted a ceiling tile to go up in the hallway by the office. The new hires are encouraged to paint a ceiling tile with something personal, inspirational or both. I'm not sure which mine is, but it seems to garner some attention with the kids. It depicts several people with watering cans watering plants under the sun. In the middle is one guy laying back against a tree, daydreaming, with his watering can on the ground at his side.

"That's not a skunk," I told him, noticing the amazing resemblance to a skunk. "It's actually a watering can."

In hindsight, I wish I had just smiled and thanked him. He seemed so excited to have figured out what the ink blob in the middle of the scene was.

Later that same day, one of the girls made a startling observation about me..

"You're white, Mr. Haworth," she said. It was a statement. I heard something close to amazement in her voice as she said it.
"Well...  Umm..  Yeah," I replied, at a loss for words. "I guess I am."

We've got about 30 days of school left. I was amazed that it took her so long to realize this fact and then bring it up to me.

"Why are you white, Mr. Haworth," she asked.

I looked into her eyes, hoping to detect some humor in the comment. I found none. My brain raced with numerous comments and ways to approach the question that would be tactful, caring and informative.

"Umm," I stammered. "Well... I... Umm."
"I mean, it's all over your face," she added.
"It's what," I replied.
"Right around here," she said, tracing her finger over the right side of my face.

It looks as though I'm going to have to be more careful with my spray paint as I help build props. It seems to have a way of coming back and adhering to me!

Most recently, another girl was analyzing my ID badge with my photo on it. She looked up at me and back and the picture. She spent a good 60 seconds with this little exercise before relaying her discovery.

"This my be an old picture of you, Mr. Haworth," she announced. "You look GOOD in this picture."

Perhaps I've let myself go a bit since last August, when the picture was taken. Perhaps I need to give myself more time in the morning to clean up and get ready for school. Whichever, my son said not to worry since she probably forgot her glasses that day.