Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide

The sad news is, I didn't write this. It's a high school English writing project authored by my 15 year-old son. The assignment was supposed to be skewed towards a specific audience. Looks as though the apple didn't fall to far from the tree, huh? Enjoy!

You wake up one morning ready for the big game, but something is wrong.  Out of your window you hear sirens and car alarms. A blood curdling shriek pierces the surrounding cacophony followed by rapid gun fire. You cautiously open your window and are bombarded by the smell of smoke woven together with rotting flesh like a tapestry of horror.

You, dear reader, are in the middle of the zombie apocalypse. But, worry not, there is hope.

Seventy-two percent of all zombie related deaths occur between the home and shelter. In order to avoid this, you must prepare.

Go to your closet and grab your old helmet and other sports gear from that nostalgic bin in your attic. Assuming you’re a respectable man, grab your baseball bat or other autographed sports object.

Next, you flee your house and neighborhood in your truck. If you don’t have a truck, simply steal one from your zombie neighbors. As you speed out of your neighborhood, make sure to hit whichever zombie-fied neighbor you liked the least.

Now that you’ve distanced yourself from any crowded city-like areas, you must assemble a team of survivors. You are likely to come across a young idealistic man/woman panicking on the roadside. When this happens, slam on the brakes, open the passenger door and firmly bark a short gruff order such as “get in the truck!”  Soon after that, you will encounter a young soldier desperately trying to reason with his now zombie partners, a married couple, an arrogant S.W.A.T. team member, a young man who is constantly making unfunny jokes and an attractive scientist trying to find a zombie cure. They will bicker and argue, but you must inspire your team to work together and stay alive.

Now that you have a team, you must lead them to shelter. The best shelters are well fortified indoor stadiums. Or prisons. Both make great shelters.

Once the shelter has been found, establish a defensive strategy. Assign positions to each of your teammates based on their strengths. Send others out to find food and water. Begin to establish living quarters. This is also a good time to see which sports teams your fellow survivors root for. If you see that one of the survivors supports your team’s rival, then feel free to feed them to the zombies.

As your team of survivors return with food, you stride to your shelter’s window. You might hear explosions as zombies trigger your fort’s mine defenses and then the sound of survivors happily eating canned goods.

As you smell the gun powder and recently retrieved chicken noodle soup, you, dear reader, survived the zombie apocalypse.