Parenting Advice for Fathers: Part I

Having survived 18 years of marriage (40, according to my wife) and 15 years of fatherhood, I feel eminently qualified to dispense knowledge and advice to others who may be in my predicament. To those who are not, take my sage knowledge as a warning or guideline, your choice.

You may be wondering what makes me qualified to dispense parenting advice. Could it be because I have more children than my siblings? No, I don't. Maybe my parenting skills are better? Honestly, probably not. Perhaps I know more tips and tricks than my siblings, parents, in-laws, aunts, uncles and cousins all put together?

If you're a regular reader of Fuzzy, Black Dogs and you believe that, you don't need kids. You need a psychologist!

The reason is much more simple than any of that. Basically, I'm a parent and a writer. That's the skinny and short of it.

You may be wondering if I'm a successful parent. My one... No, two word answer -- indubitably yes. It's possible that my wife would agree with me. And my son... He's 15 and going through some 'teen phase' right now. We'll leave his opinion out of this.

No worries, I do have other credentials. Prior to attending my son's birth, in person, I went to Lamaze classes with my wife. Also, I've chatted with pregnant women and mothers. I've even gone so far as to read an entire passage from a Dr. Spock book, nearly an entire chapter of another parenting book, a few articles from some magazines (parenting magazines, of course), a few online tidbits and tips, and some dog training books! Don't laugh... The similarities are frightening!

Now that we've established my parenting credentials, be sure to look for my next installment on Fuzzy, Black Dogs. In my next parenting post, we will look at the pros and cons of actually having children.

Parenting Advice for Fathers: Teenaged Boys

In honor of my son's 16th birthday today, this posting will be for all the fathers of teenaged boys. As I have never, nor will I most likely ever, have a teenaged girl, those fathers are simply out of luck! For now, anyway.

The first thing... Scratch that. The main thing that you, or anyone, for that matter, need to know about teenage boys is that they simply don't make sense. Really. They just don't.

Very seldom will you understand what it is that they're talking about. Even rarer will be the occasion that you understand what they're doing or, God help you, why they're doing whatever the heck it is they are doing!

Just today, I noticed my newly 16-year-oldized son standing in the kitchen door bouncing sideways in the door frame from shoulder to shoulder, making burbling sounds with his lips.

"What are you doing," I asked him.

"Nothing," he responded.

"Well," I responded, "you're doing something. It's kind of annoying."

"That's the point."

"What's the point," I asked.

"To be annoying."

The conversation deteriorated quickly.

Most importantly, I broke my golden rule of parenting a teenage boy -- if you don't acknowledge it, then it didn't  happen. If you don't talk about it, it's not there. I find this philosophy to be effective and useful about 97 percent of the time with my son.

Be sure to save your energy for that three percent of the time when the real parenting skills you have learned and acquired thus far will really be needed!

Regardless, I did perform the proper follow through to the non-acknowledgement rule stated above. Proper follow through protocol dictates a lengthy, silent look. It should be an appraising look, as opposed to a menacing look. Nod your head twice and meaningfully utter the phrase, "You know, I believe there's a pill made that fixes this."

And that's it! Simple, huh? There may be a post in the future where I throw some wild guesses out on how to deal with teenaged girls. After all, they can't be that different from teenaged boys, right?

Parenting Advice for Fathers: Part II

So you think you're ready to have a child, or children.

Considering the fact that this post is directed towards fathers, you're going to be a bit limited here, unless you are all ready married. This is also assuming you and your... Significant other have discussed the topic of offspring. Babies are not like fishing rods. You can't sneak them in past your wife.

First of all, don't worry about the number. You might say you want six kids now. But at approximately 3am one night, when the first baby has finally gone back to sleep and you're still mopping throw up off the walls and floor, that projected number will decrease considerably and quickly!

Of course, next you have to ask yourself why you want to have kids.

Perhaps you're hoping for someone to perform yard work, or someone who can drive you around town. Sadly, you have a lot of work and a long time before you get to that point. And besides, by the time the get to that point, they go through a phase where it's not cool to be near their parents.

Maybe you just want a reading buddy. Or you might want a little one, or a few, to round out the family. Maybe you even like kids and enjoy watching them learn, grow and develop.

Regardless, children of all ages get sick. Prior to 13 years old, they don't care who or what they toss their cookies on! You have to change diapers, or else they get smelly. Really smelly. Babies cry. They cry in planes, trains, cars and anywhere else morning, noon and/or night. Keep in mind that is how babies communicate.

There is much more that can be said, both positive and negative, about having children. If I've already scared you or sown serious seeds of doubt for you, then you're not ready for rugrats in your life!

If I haven't scared you off yet, then stay tuned for my next installment. We'll either chat about prepping for the baby or coming up with names, two very important topics for expectant parents!