Fixing America One Problem at a Time

My fellow Americans. It is with a sad, heavy heart that I announce through my blog, Fuzzy, Black Dogs, that I will not be your president for the upcoming term.

I accepted my defeat gracefully and called my fellow presidential hopefuls to offer congratulations and condolences. Though I was unable to reach Obama or Romney personally, the people I spoke with assured me that they would pass along my messages. I just hope they don't call me back when I'm working with my students in the morning. That would be embarrassing!

Despite the results from last night, I'm upbeat and busy readying myself for the 2016 election. My new party, which I created myself, will be called the Priority Party. I will be called a "buffet line candidate." Allow me to explain.

My plan is really quite simple. I'll petition a random sampling of Americans to discover what issues are important to them. I will pull out 20 that I feel should be labeled 'top priority,' hence the name Priority Party.

Then I will place them neatly on a table and randomly choose 10, similar to the way you pick certain foods off of a buffet line, hence the term 'buffet line candidate.'

Really it's an ideal solution and a no-fail strategy. Your issues are my issues, provided they make it through the screening process described above, of course. Once we get those tackled and solved, who knows? Perhaps we'll go back to that issue-laden buffet line and pick some more problems to tackle.

My slogan will be just as simple -- "Fixing America one problem at a time!"

Phillip H. Haworth for President

While I usually steer clear of politics, the recent debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney has got me thinking. It's got me thinking that, perhaps, I need to run for president.

Believe it or not, I have actually put a considerable amount of thought into this one. While you may not see the name Phillip H. Haworth on the actual ballot come November 6th, trust me, it may not be far from voters minds.

My original VP contender, whose knowledge of politics is considerable and vast, is ineligible since he will only be 15 in the coming year. Also, the American public may frown on my son sharing the White House and Oval Office with me.

My alternate running mate will be John Stewart of The Daily Show. Who better to help me run the country as my second-in-command? It's possible that he may not be aware of this just yet...

I have a few other people picked out for key positions in my cabinet. Stephen Colbert and Ross Perot figure prominently in my plans.

You, the American public, may be wondering what issues I'll tackle. Besides my myriad of personal ones that I handle daily, I have a few pet projects. Take natural gas, for example. I pledge to get rid of all the land and sea oil rigs, pipelines, refineries and companies that produce flatulence prevention medicine. That way we can all produce our own natural gas.

I also have plans to completely eradicate all taxes and reduce the national deficit by three trillion in one fell swoop! But I can't give away all my secrets too soon. That talk will have to wait until my first debate.