Phillip H. Haworth for President

While I usually steer clear of politics, the recent debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney has got me thinking. It's got me thinking that, perhaps, I need to run for president.

Believe it or not, I have actually put a considerable amount of thought into this one. While you may not see the name Phillip H. Haworth on the actual ballot come November 6th, trust me, it may not be far from voters minds.

My original VP contender, whose knowledge of politics is considerable and vast, is ineligible since he will only be 15 in the coming year. Also, the American public may frown on my son sharing the White House and Oval Office with me.

My alternate running mate will be John Stewart of The Daily Show. Who better to help me run the country as my second-in-command? It's possible that he may not be aware of this just yet...

I have a few other people picked out for key positions in my cabinet. Stephen Colbert and Ross Perot figure prominently in my plans.

You, the American public, may be wondering what issues I'll tackle. Besides my myriad of personal ones that I handle daily, I have a few pet projects. Take natural gas, for example. I pledge to get rid of all the land and sea oil rigs, pipelines, refineries and companies that produce flatulence prevention medicine. That way we can all produce our own natural gas.

I also have plans to completely eradicate all taxes and reduce the national deficit by three trillion in one fell swoop! But I can't give away all my secrets too soon. That talk will have to wait until my first debate.