To Mom. Happy Mother's Day!

Today is Sunday, May 12, 2013. Today is, obviously, a very special day. Today is the day dedicated to mothers the world over for having to put up with kids like me who will, ultimately, turn into outstanding adults like me.

For this oh-so special day, this post is dedicated to and about the poor, unsuspecting woman who unwittingly brought me into this world!

Mom, thank you for saving me from those killer bannister bars. Those things hated me and trapped my young head at least... Well, numbers are irrelevant. Thanks for freeing me!

Even though I didn't believe you at the time, thanks for using nonpoisonous mushrooms in all your recipes. I still question, though, the number of recipes that really call for fungi as an ingredient.

There was a time, some decades ago, that I wished I was an only child. Regardless, thanks, Mom, for my two sisters. They taught me that life is not always fair. Through them, I discovered that allies and alibis mean the same thing. They also taught me that leaving the toilet seat up can be really painful.

A heartfelt thank you is also in order for your touching sense of humor. I've laughed many times over your humorous suggestions to give me up for adoption or sell me to the circus when I decided to shave my head myself. I didn't get your humor at that age and thought you were serious! Ha ha!

I suppose I should also thank you for the small messes I made that you cleaned up. There were a few little blood splatters from my skateboarding phase. Perhaps there were a few from my stuntman phase, too. And the bike-turned-flyer incident. And, perhaps, just a few other small mishaps.

On top of all that, you managed to keep your cool despite the crazy phone calls. I only hope you realize now that the neighbors were merely exaggerating. None of the streaking, fireworks explosions or "go-cart accidents" were reported accurately.

So, Mom, a great big happy Mother's Day to you! I hope it's an awesome one! And you know that dent in your car? Not my fault, but we can chat about that later.