Warning! Getting Sick Equals Extreme Whining

Getting sick sucks. Colds, allergies, infections and especially the flu!

I love to eat, so when I'm not asleep, my brain constantly tells me 'Food, man! Home all day so we can eat all day! Yay!' Meanwhile, my stomach says, 'Sure, but it'll come right back up. What ya gonna do? You're choice.'

Thank you Swiss Army Knife
for saving the day!

Other bodily functions don't work right, either.

"Honey, where's that ibuprofen you got for me?"

"You took it already."

"No.  I mean the ibuprofen you put in a separate container for me. In case I needed more?"

"I didn't."

"I distinctly remember you telling me you did. I saw you do it."

"Mmm hmmm."

"But..."

"Quit your belly aching! I'm getting it!"

And worst of all (besides not feeling well) is the medicine.

Let's start with the cost. Now I know for a fact that the manufacturing costs of a pill the size of a flea couldn't be $150. So where does all that money go? I have my ideas and all I'll say about that is that I would like a turn at the wheel of the Ferrari my money just helped pay for!

Then there is the dosage. Take two or three ibuprofen when needed, but six hours apart. Now take this pill after every loose movement, but don't exceed three in one day. This medicine will be one in the morning and afternoon, and two at dinner. This medicine, however, should only be taken in the morning, unless, of course, you're experiencing extreme discomfort.

Again, bodily functions, like brain operations prevent me from remembering what pill does what and when to take what and where and why.

Finally there is the medicine itself. Pop pop picked it up for me. I got the medicine and looked at the box. I couldn't make heads or tails of it, so I took a nap.

Refreshed from my nap, I examined the box again. It's a box in a box. The inner box contains a flap with an arrow where I pull the inner one out. Except the inner box is stuck. Now I may be in a slightly weakened state, but I could not pull it out. Aha! Pliers!

Now we're down to pushing the pill through a thin, aluminum-like membrane. Except it wasn't so thin. And the back was protected by more cardboard. After approximately 10 minutes of pushing, poking and swearing, I proceeded to get my pocket knife. That took care of it!

After finally taking my medicine, I was ready for another nap. Not only does getting sick suck, it's also extremely tiring.

Why Is It, Elementary Edition

I recently reread a piece written by the late, great Patrick McManus. Simply titled "Why Is It," the article is a list of 'why is its' geared toward the hunting and fishing crowd. Clearly Mr. McManus didn't teach second grade.

So, borrowing the title, here is my second grade version of the same article.

Why is it the loudest student in the classroom is the same student who doesn't like to be looked at?

Why is it that, before a test when the teacher asks if anyone has any questions, no one does?

Why is it that, after that same test has been passed out, half the classroom has questions?

Why is it there is always at least one student who asks, "What am I supposed to do," after directions have been given?

Why is it no kids have to use the restroom when asked?

Why is it that five minutes after being asked, one student has to go the restroom?

Why is it if one student suddenly has to go to the restroom, no less than five more have to go?

Why is it all pencil leads break at the same time during a test/pop quiz/writing assignment?

Why is it my pencil sharpener is louder than a full orchestra at maximum volume?

Why is it my kids want to hug on me only when they're sick and shouldn't be at school?

Why is it there are at least 72 ways to spell Alicia and they're all pronounced the same?

Why is it the same five students ask all morning long is it time for lunch/recess yet?

Why is it, after having two lessons on time (and there's a digital clock on the SMART Board), the same student constantly asks, "What time is it?"