Candy Sizes Prove Inaccurate

My natural scientific curiosity has taken control of my mind and I've started conducting experiments with some of the items that we sell at the little drug store in which I work

It seems there are several different classifications of size when it comes to chocolates and candy. And these classifications vary according to the company and product.

Let's see... We have mini-sized, miniature-sized, trial-sized, fun-sized, fun-pak-sized, share-sized, regular-sized, medium-sized, large-sized, king-sized and party-sized. I'm pretty sure that I haven't covered all the sizes available in candy, but that's okay. I don't know if I have time or space enough to delve into that.

I, personally, have tried many of these so called sizes and have learned a very sad fact. They're not true. We, as a country, may need to come together to form a large class action lawsuit against these chocolate and other candy companies.

The bag of mini-sized chocolates that I ate did NOT make me mini-sized. Likewise, the fun-sized package of chocolatey-peanut bars I ate didn't make me any more fun. In fact, shortly after consuming the entire package, I felt kind of queasy and sickly and mostly un-fun.

I suspect the large and king-sized are a bit more honest in their descriptions. I am questioning the whole party-sized concept. Of the people I know who enjoy chocolate, I know very few willing to share their chocolate. With that having been said, I don't think they'll be having parties to "share" their chocolate with others.

That means the size must refer to the person. So what, exactly, does party-sized mean, anyway? Am I party-sized? I know I have a bit of a gut, but, c'mon! Are we talking block party-sized or just soirée party-sized?

We need better, more definitive descriptions for these candy products. How about bubble butt-sized? Maybe spare tire-sized? Or even bust-a-gut-sized?

Until these companies offer more honesty in their product descriptions, I'm going to have to join the gym to reduce myself from party-sized to king-sized. Maybe I'll even shoot for regular- sized.