Fuzzy Monsters with Phil Harper

Good news and bad news. The bad news? I may have to change venues, which means less blog posts on Fuzzy, Black Dogs. The good news? My new venue will be television, where I'll host my new show, Fuzzy Monsters.

I'll have to make a few changes to make it successful, of course. The first change will be my name. I'll simply shorten my first name and use my middle name instead of my last. The second change will be my diction. I'll be working on perfecting my English accent over the weeks to come. The third will be my appearance. Having worked briefly in television news, I know the camera adds approximately 10 pounds. That means I'll have to exercise like mad to lose approximately 100 pounds before the pilot episode.

Other minor changes include not shaving and dying my hair a distinguished gray or white. Maybe some time in a tanning booth. Perhaps a little tooth whitening. Also some weightlifting to bulk and shape up properly.

[Imagine English accent here:]The first episode will take place in my own home, a location where three fuzzy monsters are known to lurk. I've spoken with the natives on the best ways to find them and scouted out their location. It seems we are looking at three different methods for catching the three monsters. We'll start with the first, smallest and potentially most dangerous.

It's been said if you sit relatively still, the first will seek you out. The youngest native, however, claims she can't resist pajamas and beds. I went all out and donned gray flannel pajamas and a t-shirt and headed straight to bed. Within minutes the little monster appeared, jumping up the side of the bed. I tried to move her away from my head to protect myself, but she began growling immediately, proving to be a dangerous adversary.

After surviving the night with the littlest monster, I had to change my approach for the second target. The next one, it's been fabled, has hearing so keen, it can hear the click of a leash from 12 miles away. This proved untrue.

I simply touched the leash as quietly as possible when I heard a tremendous rumbling sound. He was upon me before I had time to react. He jumped and lunged, but didn't seem intent on hurting me. This fuzzy monster was indeed a strong one. Once the leash was firmly attached, he lunged for the door, nearly dislocating my shoulder, spine and hip. Outside, he proceeded to run relatively free, my body only touching the ground twice behind him. Had I not forgotten my knife, I would have gladly cut myself free.

The third fuzzy monster, and the largest, was reportedly the least dangerous. My plan to capture this one was to simply walk around with food in my hand. I chose a bit of cheese and sat on the sofa.

Though large, this one was stealthy. I didn't see or hear him coming. He was simply there, in the air, hurtling toward me like a missile. He rammed me in the chest, causing me to drop the cheese into my lap. The monster dove quickly after it, teeth and jaws working furiously. Miraculously, he got the food and I came out of the incident relatively unhurt.

Once the brute had ascertained that I didn't have any more food, he jumped into my lap and began rubbing his large ears on my chest and hands. If I stopped scratching the ears, he became agitated and would place my hands upon his ears again. He seemed relatively docile, except for the burp that nearly caused me to pass out.

For my second episode, the natives suggested I simply venture around the corner. There, they said, I'll find the location of a small, but ferocious monster, known simply as Roxie, that lurks at that home. And that, viewers, will be my next challenge.

Until next week, good hunting.