Teacher's Guide to the New Year

The new academic year is nearly upon us. New students, old students, books, pencils, classrooms, and grades will all be in full swing in a little more than a week.

An exciting time for parents looking for a little quiet time in their day, but a busy time for teachers. And teacher assistants, too, of course. Really.

Three days into school, this pile of pencils will be missing!

I've created a helpful guide for new teachers, as well as refresher notes for experienced teachers who have foolishly donned their rose colored glasses.

Here are the significant details in a nutshell.

There will be a lot of kids. They will be all sorts of ethnicities. This is okay, as long as they're human. A few may argue with you over that fact, but that, in fact, is normal.

Out of these kids, a handful will be male. The rest will be female. If you're lucky, the numbers of male to female will be even. If not, that's cool too.

Some of the males will cause trouble, as will some of the females. Don't worry too much about who they are. They'll let you know in their own special way just as soon as they are able.

Hopefully, they'll all be wearing clothes. Discourage the discarding of clothes throughout the day. If you don't teach, don't laugh. It's a thing!

Now each one of these unique little beings is different and each one has his or her own name. Confusing, but this, also, is a good thing. Otherwise, the rest of the year will become even more confusing.

The first day can be summed up in one simple word -- chaos. Here's the short answer why...

Take all the ingredients above, mix them together in a single room known as Miss Whoever's room. Add in a peanut allergy. Don't add Johnny next to Junie because he's gross and makes her throw up. Mix Jerry near the board since he can't see. Don't mix Junior near the computer because he has no self-control. And no matter where you mix Jarrell, he'll still lay on his desk bubbling and burbling, pretending to be a fish!

This, of course, is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. It can, and sometimes does, get worse.

Don't believe me? Just ask any teacher you know. They'll tell you.

Paid Time Off Is Hard Work

I've diligently checked the current, extended and long-range forecasts for several days now and things are not looking good. No snow days have been forecasted for the remainder of October. Or for the entire month of November!

I think my co-workers would agree with me that a snow day would be awesome right about now. My snow dance, however many times I perform it, seems to have no bearing on the weather. No snow equals school, or work, for me.

If snow days are out of the question, then what? The answer came to me quickly. Holidays!

Tomorrow is October 24. Tomorrow is also National Bologna Day. Now THAT'S a holiday worth celebrating! That's also short notice. My boss might not be so understanding of my absence.

Monday is Navy Day. Tuesday is Plush Animal Lover's Day. Wednesday is National Frankenstein Day. Thursday is National Candy Corn Day and Friday, of course, is Halloween.

I do have a plush skunk. How can I properly celebrate Plush Animal Lover's Day if I'm at work? If I fail to show up at work Tuesday, my boss and students will surely understand...

While it may be too late for October, I'm hard at work on a plan for November.

While we may have two days off for Thanksgiving in November, that may not be enough. I've started a petition to make World Peace Day a paid holiday like Christmas or Memorial Day. That would free us all up for a mental health day on November 17th.

I won't even touch December for obvious reasons. January and February generally usher in some decent school altering weather, snow dance or not!

And then there's March. There will be some big changes come March. Those changes will be dependent upon my clout as a celebrity, as well as whether or not my paperwork is approved, of course. I'm hoping to hear from President Obama any day now.

He should be signing off on my paperwork to make March 12 an official, nationally recognized, paid day off for everyone. Parades will be held. Future students will be forced to read about it and write reports. You may be thinking "What earth-shattering event occurred on March 12?"

March 12 is the date that the creator of Fuzzy, Black Dogs was born! If that doesn't constitute a full-blown, nationally observed holiday, then I don't know does.

The Truth About First Grade

We, meaning my teachers, decided to give our first-graders one last writing assignment for the year.  They had to write a letter to an upcoming first-grader, aka, a kindergartner, telling that person about first grade.

My last assignment as the first grade teacher assistant (I'll have new adventures in another role next year!) was to hand our soon-to-be second-graders sheets with five sentence starters. I even filled one out myself. Here it is, with the sentence starters in italics.

Dear upcoming first-grader,

You are going to have so much fun when you get to college. Or to the beach. If you're lucky, you can combine the two! Seriously, though, first grade is fun too. Really. It is. Should I try that one again?

You are going to have so much fun under your desk. Don't ask. I'm not sure. However, the kids that spend time under their desks often seem to be having the most fun.

You will never forget your teacher assistant. They're the best, especially good looking male teacher assistants. And, of course, your teacher. And any fun you happen to have along the way, such as time spent under your desk.

You need to know that your new teacher is out to get you. I mean, is not out to get you! I mean... Wait! Do over!

You need to know that your new teacher is a human being just like you. However, it's important to tell them how pretty/handsome they are. Regularly. And, instead of apples, they like Skittles. And Reese's Pieces. Oh, and M&M'S. Especially the peanut M&M's. Daily.
 

Remember to always duck. Chances are, you don't want the unidentifiable green objects that fly over from the next desk to actually touch you. It's best that you not know what it is or from where it originated. This may be a good time to practice crawling under your desk.

My final advice is take the time to learn proper protocol, such as the best way to crawl under your desk. The why is not important. It's all about the how and doing it with grace and panache and not getting caught until you are fully underneath the desk.

Your big buddy,

Mr. Haworth