The Truth About First Grade

We, meaning my teachers, decided to give our first-graders one last writing assignment for the year.  They had to write a letter to an upcoming first-grader, aka, a kindergartner, telling that person about first grade.

My last assignment as the first grade teacher assistant (I'll have new adventures in another role next year!) was to hand our soon-to-be second-graders sheets with five sentence starters. I even filled one out myself. Here it is, with the sentence starters in italics.

Dear upcoming first-grader,

You are going to have so much fun when you get to college. Or to the beach. If you're lucky, you can combine the two! Seriously, though, first grade is fun too. Really. It is. Should I try that one again?

You are going to have so much fun under your desk. Don't ask. I'm not sure. However, the kids that spend time under their desks often seem to be having the most fun.

You will never forget your teacher assistant. They're the best, especially good looking male teacher assistants. And, of course, your teacher. And any fun you happen to have along the way, such as time spent under your desk.

You need to know that your new teacher is out to get you. I mean, is not out to get you! I mean... Wait! Do over!

You need to know that your new teacher is a human being just like you. However, it's important to tell them how pretty/handsome they are. Regularly. And, instead of apples, they like Skittles. And Reese's Pieces. Oh, and M&M'S. Especially the peanut M&M's. Daily.
 

Remember to always duck. Chances are, you don't want the unidentifiable green objects that fly over from the next desk to actually touch you. It's best that you not know what it is or from where it originated. This may be a good time to practice crawling under your desk.

My final advice is take the time to learn proper protocol, such as the best way to crawl under your desk. The why is not important. It's all about the how and doing it with grace and panache and not getting caught until you are fully underneath the desk.

Your big buddy,

Mr. Haworth

God Vacations in New York?

It seems that I have taken a wrong turn in my life. Instead of being a first grade teacher assistant, I should have been a fourth grade assistant, or perhaps teacher. Or, perhaps not.

My wife recently got a job as a fourth grade teacher at a somewhat local elementary school. Every once and again, she'll bring home papers to grade. Ultimately, I will end up helping with the grading process.

They recently read the book "Dear Mrs. LaRue" by Mark Teague. The assignment? Each one had to write a paper by finishing the sentence "If I was Ike, I would have escaped to..."

In the book, Ike, the dog, escapes from obedience school. He travels all over the place before coming back home. These fourth-graders, though, have some better ideas than Ike of where they would go and what they would do.

Several kids hearts were in the right place and said they would escape to go back home and be with their families. Several others, however, looked towards food first. Two of them would have escaped to Burger King. One would escape to Biscuitville and another was planning to get to Cook Out.

There were several places mentioned, like Chicago, New Jersey, New York and Mexico. And from there, it only gets better. Or worse, depending on your point of view.

After the initial layover in New York, one fourth-grader planned to find a space ship. Why? Well, as he said, his problems would be a planet away. Besides, he planned to meet aliens, get a job and find a house somewhere out there.

One boy simply made a list of all the places he would visit. They included, in this order, the beach, Mexico, the moon, New York (to meet God), the past and the future. The last, of course, would be with the time machine that he made himself.

The best response, though, was the sweet little one who would have escaped to Hawaii ("Howaye"). Why Hawaii? Basically because "almost nobody lives thier and thiers is no police..." He goes on to mention something about surfing and cool cars available to steal. I'm beginning to understand the interest in the lack of police presence!

Police or no police, he said he will take -- my word, not his -- the fastest car he can find so no one will be able to catch him anyway. That way he can get to his secret house that no one knows about so he can live happily ever after, or so I assume.

Nice plan. I have seen the future generation, dear readers. I am scared.

What Would You Do?

It looks like school has started yet again. My teachers have got me working hard putting their classrooms together so that they'll be ready when the students start to arrive. Of course, they're working just as hard as I am to have everything ready to go.

The funny thing, though, is I'm looking forward to school and the assignments that ensue. I've been known to take on some of the students' assignments on my own time and share my results later with the teachers.

Last school year, one teacher asked the students to write about what they would do if Thing One and Thing Two came to their house. The work I turned in, which follows, was a bit longer than any of the students' work.

Thing One and Thing Two raced into my home.
They messed up the kitchen and dad's shaving foam.

Round and round they raced. They were looking for something.
They tore up each room by running, bumping and jumping.

I stopped those two Things in the hall with my rope.
I stopped so maybe they'd leave... Well, I hoped.

I asked, "Why are you running all around the house like that?"
"The hat's missing!" they both yelled. "The Cat! His hat! The Cat lost his hat!"

I just stood there and blinked. I didn't know what to do.
Should I look for the hat with Thing One and Thing Two?

"We'll find that hat," I said with a start.
"A Cat with no hat is like a Cat with no heart!"

I said, "Let's start low." So we went down the stairs.
Down in the cellar we found mom's old broken chairs.

We looked in the bathroom, the den and the kitchen.
We looked in my sister's pink colored bedroom. And then...

That's when I saw it. It fluttered in the breeze.
It was outside her window on a branch in the trees.

I said the hat was too high. We needed a ladder.
Those Things said, "Too high? Ha! That doesn't matter!"

Thing One jumped upon me. Thing Two did as well.
Could our tower be high enough? I just couldn't tell.

Those Things reached. They stretched. They went higher and higher.
I reached and I stretched until I started to tire.

Then Thing Two yelled, "Aha! I got it! Let's go!"
Then they jumped off of me and they ran. Go! Go! Go!

I watched as they went. They ran out of sight.
They'll give that hat to the Cat and make everything right.

You know, I finished the assignment. Funny, I never did receive a grade. I just hope I passed...