Happy Thanksgiving From the 5K Turkey

To 5K or not to 5K, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows...

Honestly, I did suffer some sharp, shooting pains up my shins this morning at the Thanksgiving 5K Fun Run in Lexington, NC. Scratch the run part since I actually had to walk part of the 5K!

For some reason, I thought it would be fun to wake up very early on Thanksgiving morning and run slightly more than three miles in a slight drizzle with 100 or so similarly insane people.

Despite the fact that I am currently falling to pieces, we did manage to have fun this morning. I think. We all finished and I don't think they had to scrape anyone off the road.

Regardless, so far so good this Thanksgiving Day. The 5K turkey (pictured below) and I wish you all a happy Thanksgiving! Gobble, gobble!

Paid Time Off Is Hard Work

I've diligently checked the current, extended and long-range forecasts for several days now and things are not looking good. No snow days have been forecasted for the remainder of October. Or for the entire month of November!

I think my co-workers would agree with me that a snow day would be awesome right about now. My snow dance, however many times I perform it, seems to have no bearing on the weather. No snow equals school, or work, for me.

If snow days are out of the question, then what? The answer came to me quickly. Holidays!

Tomorrow is October 24. Tomorrow is also National Bologna Day. Now THAT'S a holiday worth celebrating! That's also short notice. My boss might not be so understanding of my absence.

Monday is Navy Day. Tuesday is Plush Animal Lover's Day. Wednesday is National Frankenstein Day. Thursday is National Candy Corn Day and Friday, of course, is Halloween.

I do have a plush skunk. How can I properly celebrate Plush Animal Lover's Day if I'm at work? If I fail to show up at work Tuesday, my boss and students will surely understand...

While it may be too late for October, I'm hard at work on a plan for November.

While we may have two days off for Thanksgiving in November, that may not be enough. I've started a petition to make World Peace Day a paid holiday like Christmas or Memorial Day. That would free us all up for a mental health day on November 17th.

I won't even touch December for obvious reasons. January and February generally usher in some decent school altering weather, snow dance or not!

And then there's March. There will be some big changes come March. Those changes will be dependent upon my clout as a celebrity, as well as whether or not my paperwork is approved, of course. I'm hoping to hear from President Obama any day now.

He should be signing off on my paperwork to make March 12 an official, nationally recognized, paid day off for everyone. Parades will be held. Future students will be forced to read about it and write reports. You may be thinking "What earth-shattering event occurred on March 12?"

March 12 is the date that the creator of Fuzzy, Black Dogs was born! If that doesn't constitute a full-blown, nationally observed holiday, then I don't know does.

Special Moments Make Christmas Unforgettable

My son and I decided to start the holidays with a bang. We, meaning he, slammed into the side of a car in the grocery store parking lot.

It's possible that he may have been distracted by the nearly life-sized Santa belted in the back seat. Or it could be the passenger who yelled out, "Hey! Is that your grandmother over there?" In my defense, I was slightly mentally incapacitated from previous events.

You see, I picked up a virus approximately four days prior to Christmas. I had a regular feel-bad check up. I had an x-ray. I had blood work done. I had a nasal swab. I had a shot in the rump for nobody knows what since the barrage of tests showed up nothing.

What I can tell you is that I had an allergic reaction to the steroid shot. In addition to the fatigue and weakness I experienced, I also suffered a little "cognitive impairment," as my son so quaintly put it. Hence, my outburst which distracted my son right into the broadside of another car.

The second bang (BIG bang, as there have been many little ones due to 'cognitive impairment') occurred before Christmas dinner. That was when we decided to take our family photo. 

We forgot the tripod. We didn't bring any extra lighting. We even forgot the camera. Some of us don't like having our pictures taken. Others of us don't have patience. At least one of us suffered psychological imbalance due in no small part to both sickness and being administered the wrong medication for Lord only knows what!

Immediately following the cry, "thank God we have Photoshop," came the sound of soft paws hitting the floor. We also heard the wet thud that followed. It was noted that both sounds came from the kitchen and the dogs had gone quiet. It's amazing how quietly a dog can eat, as long as it's not dog food!

While the self-taken, family fiasco... Photo, I mean, was in progress, two fuzzy quadrupeds (NOT mine, actually!) decided the turkey was fair game.

Here are the offending animals, Roxie and Bear.



Offending dog number one, Roxie.



Offending dog number two, Bear.

Luckily, they are not as quick or sneaky as mine and most of the bird was salvageable.

It has been said it's the little things in life that make it memorable. With my family, Christmas is usually downright unforgettable!

The Christmas Shuffle

Christmas may be over, but we aren't finished with it yet! The truth is, I've put it off for four days. It can't wait any longer. I started with the flat screen tv box in the living room and took it to the curb. The flat screen tv is in place and the old one is in the dining room. And that is where the trouble begins...

If we keep it, then we'll use it to replace the small one in the sunroom. And of course the shelves holding the small one aren't big enough for the larger one. Now, those shelves are where I was going to put the books I got for Christmas, so now those have to find a new home as well. That means the books may have to go to the bookshelves upstairs and the shelf will replace the jewelry chest of drawers that currently hold everything but jewelry.

Now the jewelry chest of drawers is homeless. It could be a great place to store cd's, dvd's, and Wii games, but there is no room for it with the new, rather large television set. The only logical place for it to go would be the office. Now we have the jewelry chest replacing the antique entertainment system (I call it an antique because it's a radio/record player/eight-track tape player!) that is as big as a sofa and takes up an entire wall. Why? Well, that's the only logical place for it to go.

Now we have to move the entertainment system to the only place it can possibly go -- the hallway. However, I have a credenza in the hallway that holds knick-knacks, a slightly damaged antique repro mirror and even more books. I won't even mention the books and other assorted items stored underneath the credenza. Some of the underneath "stuff" could go on my newly cleaned desk. The on top of "stuff" might be distributed amongst the bookshelve tops that are nearly brimming full with other "stuff," and the credenza could go to the dead space behind the sofa.

Now we have to figure out what to do with the chest full of more "stuff" currently residing in said dead space. The chest is stacked on top an antique card catalog. One day, I will convert it into an butcher's block island for my little kitchen. I could conceivably put the chest into the dead space behind the exposed chimney upstairs which was hidden by the jewelry chest.

That also means I'll have to follow through with the butcher's block island by putting a top and legs on it. My next obvious move will be to add on to the back of the house so I can enlarge my kitchen to hold the butcher's block island.

Voila! Problem solved. And rest assured I'll jump right on it after I test out my new flat screen tv with a Wii game or two. Oh, and lunch. And after...

Translators: A Game or a Tool?

Vrolijk Kerstfeest en Gelukkig Vakanties naar al mijn toegewijde lezers! Het was een leuk jaar posting op mijn "literaire" plaats, Fuzzy, Black Dogs. Ik heb posting diepe gedachten, literaire stukken en kleine stukjes van de poëzie voor bijna een jaar nu. Ik hoop te blijven onderhouden en het maken van glimlacht nog minstens een jaar.

Счастливого Рождества и праздники для всех моих преданных читателей! Это было весело год размещения на мои "литературные" места, нечеткие, черные собаки. Я отправлял глубокие мысли, литературной части и кусочки поэзии почти год. Я надеюсь продолжить развлекательного и сделать улыбки, по крайней мере еще ​​на год.

God Jul och Gott Semester till alla mina hängivna läsare! Det har varit ett roligt år att publicera på min "litterär" plats, Fuzzy, svarta hundar. Jag har varit posta djupa tankar, litterära bitar och små bitar av poesi i nästan ett år nu. Jag hoppas kunna fortsätta underhållande och göra ler i minst ett år till.

Hopefully, that little message I wrote in Dutch, Russian and Swedish translates properly into the following:

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all my devoted readers! It's been a fun year posting fun things on my "literary" venue, Fuzzy, Black Dogs. I've been posting deep thoughts, literary pieces and little bits of poetry for nearly a year now. I hope to continue entertaining and making smiles for at least another year.

There's just something fun about translators. I've been playing with them since my son first started taking Spanish. The only Spanish I know I learned from a Mexican fast-food chain's mascot dog from their commercials! So it stands to reason that I would end up utilizing an online translator in order to offer useful help to my son struggling with a foreign language.

However, I don't get to help him as much these days. So now I just pop onto the translators from time to time and translate whatever comes to mind. Sure translators are a great tool, but if someone turns them into a game, I'm sure to be one of the highest scorers!

Perhaps it's time for me to get serious and quit goofing off on the translators...

My Christmas Wish List

Here we are nearing the end of our second week in December. I've had a number of people ask me what I want for Christmas. Tell me, what does anybody really want for Christmas? However, I've thought long and hard about it and have come up with a Santa list... Well, kind of. Some of the items on my list may be unattainable without some secret Santa magic, or just plain priceless. Regardless, here's a small sample of my list:

I want a diet suppressor. Not for me, but for fuzzy, black dog (fbd for short) number three! He's trying to eat the house down, Santa. For real.

I want a dog grooming box. The dog goes in and, presto, comes back out clean and groomed!

I want fbd number two to not be afraid to poop in the yard when it rains.

I want the (big) brown trout back that I nearly caught on my guided fly-fishing trip. I really wanted a picture of THAT fish.

A clue. I want a clue so everybody will stop telling me to get one.

I want the 300 pound tuna I caught back too. Out of season my hiney!! That captain should still be on your naughty list, Santa.

I want some vertebrae for my lower back. The ones there now aren't working so well, Santa.

How about a self-cleaning house. I want one of those, or the kit to install to convert my current house into
 a self-cleaner.

I want an endless supply of rawhide bones. When fbd number one doesn't have any, he gets bored and goes for the blankets on my bed.

I want more books. The million or so I have are simply not enough.

And a chainsaw. I've wanted one since I was 10 years old, Santa. You should know that. A real gas-powered chainsaw. You're my only hope, Santa, since no one in my family seems to think it's a good idea for me to own one. Go figure. I'll leave a spot open for it for you.

Christmas By Numbers

Don't look now, but Christmas is practically upon us once again. You know what that means... Getting out all the decorations, knick-knacks, untangling lights, moving furniture, re-arranging spaces and putting the Christmas tree together. It's a process in my household. It began several days ago and will end, well, sometime prior to Christmas itself.

I have a process for everything from loading the dishwasher to putting up tree lights after the holidays. I call it extreme attention to detail. My wife and son call it... Never mind what they call it. However, she has admitted that my tree light system is clean, neat and efficient and makes stringing it on the tree much easier. I've even gone so far as to custom design the insides of three plastic tubs, compartmentalizing them to make for easier ornament putting away, storage and so forth.

One of the biggest challenges came when we switched from real to fake trees for Christmas. It seems my son is allergic to Evergreen trees. My parents gave us a nice one one year, and we used it for several years. About five years ago my wife's mother gave us her old tree which is nearly eight feet tall and as big around as a VW Beetle.

Don't get me wrong, I like the tree. I wouldn't have used it for the past five or six years if I didn't. However, the first Christmas I put the tree up was one to remember. It wasn't the gifts or the music or the great holiday cheer that made it memorable. It was the tree.

My wife decided what day the tree would be put up. Coincidentally, she was out shopping on said day. All day. This phone conversation took place approximately 45 minutes after her departure.

"Hi honey," I said. "Where are the directions on the tree your mom gave us? There are none? Okay... Well, is it color coded or something? Umm... No, I don't see any colors on the branch bases. You're right. How do you know what goes where? Ha ha... (Jokingly)Perhaps I'll just get out my handy-dandy tape measure and measure each branch as I put them on largest to smallest from the bottom to the top."

Half an hour later, I had four branches on one tier and was crawling on the floor measuring out branches with my handy-dandy tape measure. Flash forward past some of the colorful comments I made during the assemblage process and, voila! One 10 hour tree! Please don't ask how long it took to put nearly 20 strands of light onto that Christmas tree.

Regardless, after that holiday season, I announced to my wife and young child that I, Phillip H. Haworth, would not assemble that tree ever again. After some sage advice from my wife, young child and mother-in-law, I announced that I, Phillip H. Haworth, would devise a system to make assembling that crazy tree easier.

Now, each branch has its own special numbering system. Once I get the base of the tree up, it's simply a matter of locating the number at the base of the branch that corresponds to the correct tier. With the remnants of Thanksgiving dinner put away let Christmas by numbers begin!