Happy Thanksgiving From the 5K Turkey

To 5K or not to 5K, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows...

Honestly, I did suffer some sharp, shooting pains up my shins this morning at the Thanksgiving 5K Fun Run in Lexington, NC. Scratch the run part since I actually had to walk part of the 5K!

For some reason, I thought it would be fun to wake up very early on Thanksgiving morning and run slightly more than three miles in a slight drizzle with 100 or so similarly insane people.

Despite the fact that I am currently falling to pieces, we did manage to have fun this morning. I think. We all finished and I don't think they had to scrape anyone off the road.

Regardless, so far so good this Thanksgiving Day. The 5K turkey (pictured below) and I wish you all a happy Thanksgiving! Gobble, gobble!

Missing: One Christmas Tree Top

It is approximately two feet tall, is green (same green as the photo above), looks evergreenish and is made of metal and plastic on account of the fact that my poor son is allergic to real, live Christmas trees.

So how, exactly, does one lose one-third of a Christmas tree when the entire thing was put up at the same time, in the same place by only one person? My only answer is this -- with great skill!

My only other explanation is that someone, missing a tree top themselves, broke into my house and took my tree top. Filthy, rotten scoundrel! I may have to fire my fuzzy, black dogs and get a fuzzy, black Rottweiler!

Stealers Set to Take Superbowl

We are well into November and everyone knows what that means -- football! That's right, we're in the thick of football season and everyone is making predictions, including me.

This may sound like blaspheme to some, but I don't normally keep up with football. In fact, I couldn't tell you who won the last Super Bowl, or even the two teams who played in it.  I can, though, tell you they had some pretty good commercials. And I do remember some half-time shows, wardrobe malfunctions and all.

Regardless, I have studied the ins and outs of football during the last few days. Here are my observations and  predictions for the rest of the season.

First of all, NFL stands for National Football League and AFL stands for American Football League. Some teams belong to one league, while others belong... Well, to the other. Duh!

Secondly, football is a sport where you are not allowed to touch the ball with your hands.

Wait! Scratch that... That is football to the rest of the world, otherwise known as soccer. On this side of the pond, football is a sport where a ball can be kicked, thrown, fumbled, passed or run by a bunch of guys wearing enough padding to protect them from a charging rhino.

Anyway, we have all these teams out there pounding and beating on each other, vying to be the top two teams to beat on each other in the final bout known simply as the Super Bowl. And what does the winner of that get? Cuts, scrapes, sprains, bruises, broken bones, an occasional Gatorade dunking and a little trophy.

Oh yeah! My wife just reminded me that they also get these little rings, as well as trips to Disney World. Is that part of the winning package?

But, again, I digress. In a nutshell, the Pittsburgh Stealers will take the whole thing. My reasoning is simple.

The Dolphins are all wet. The Bengals, as we all know, are close to extinction. The Buccaneers' ship has sailed. The Redskins are experiencing an uprising because, I think, they don't like being called Redskins. The Panthers have been poached. And the Chargers? They're maxed out.

While there's a plethora of other potential pigskin potentates out there, the Stealers...

I've just been informed by my wife that its Steelers, as in metal. Not Stealers, as in thievery. Makes sense due to the steel factories in and around Pittsburgh.

Oh great. Back to the drawing board!

Twitter for Twerps

As a father and an old man (according to my son), I detest social media. But, as a writer, I've had to learn to embrace it. Now, through my own attempts at marketing and advertising Fuzzy, Black Dogs, it seems I've become somewhat of an expert in that area.

There are lots of social media platforms out there. In fact, the number of types of social media surpasses the number of pairs of socks that I own. Like I said, lots.

I have to admit to favoring Twitter, and not just because I blogged once about how to conjugate it. I've since found out that the people who utilize and can be found on Twitter aren't Twerps. They're Tweeps. Sorry about that, Tweeps!

That may explain my lack of followers.

Regardless of what Tweeters are called, I am proficient in Tweetland. Twitterland. Twerp... Whoops -- Tweepville. Anyway, to date, I have Tweeted, Bleated and Blundered. 

However, I nearly strayed from my intended topic. Getting back on track, here is but a handful of social medias and how I have learned to interact with them. Or on them. Whichever.

Most older folks have trouble with Vine. Not me. I proficiently Vine, Whine, Grape and Raisin. I've been known to Snapchat and Claptalk. Not only do I Facebook, but I Sleepwalk and am good friends with Ed Modo.

I Pinterest with both interest and enthusiasm! I YouTube, Innertube and Jiffy Lube!

On top of all that, I Google and Bing. Yahoo! But my 16 year-old told me not to celebrate my social media knowledge too soon. He informed me those are search engines. Search what?!

Sometimes, every now and again, I just get tired of trying to keep up with all the social media. When that happens, I just throw up my hands and yell, "Oh, Instagrammit!"

$#!% My Son Won't Do

Like any good parent, I worry about my son, and not because he will be 17 soon. I worry that he is going to miss out on life.

The thing about my son is that he doesn't just jump right in to situations. I do. I generally don't bother to look. When you look before you leap, you might see the dangers involved. That seems to serve as incentive not to do them.

I suspect that's what my son does. He looks first. It's worrisome! I'm afraid he's going to miss out on a lot of life's experiences by looking before he leaps. He says he's being careful...

Take electrified cow fences, for example. My son was with my father on my aunt and uncle's farm. My father warned him not to touch the electrified cow fence. My son's response? He steered clear of the fence.

When I was his age, curiosity would have taken hold in less than five seconds. Within another 10 seconds, I would have had a finger touching the wire just to see what it feels like to get shocked by an electrified cow fence.

My friends and I use to make human chains with one person touching the wire. That way, we could see how many people the current would go through. I remember volunteering to be the person touching the wire.

Careful and cautious has been a central theme throughout my son's life.

Once, when my son was two, I suggested we jump in some mud puddles after a big rain. He geared up in rubber boots, rubber fireman suit and hat. You know, mud jumping gear!

Once outside, my little guy looked up at me with his big brown eyes wide open with what I took to be excitement.

"Umm, Dad?" he replied. "Do you think this is a good idea? You don't know what's in there..."

I can't begin to tell you how many times I've heard the "do you think..." line, or some variation of it, in the last 16 years!

I had quite the sense of adventure as a kid. This may come as a surprise, but I still do. I like to try new things. I enjoy discovering what will happen when I take certain chances.

From birth to approximately 24 years old, my personal motto was "what if." Some strictly hypothetical examples would be 'what if I used a bedsheet for a parachute,' 'what if I used an umbrella,' 'what if I caught a snake,' 'what if I jumped my dad's car on my bicycle' and 'what if I threw a rock at that hornet nest.'

My son exhibits none of my natural curiosity. He definitely reads a lot. He Googles a lot, too. He loves to learn things, though not necessarily experience them.

Luckily, he has a caring, wonderful father who looks out for him. In fact, what if I booked a father-son bonding sky diving clinic for the two of us? Now THAT would be exciting and fun! Now if I can just convince him.

Paid Time Off Is Hard Work

I've diligently checked the current, extended and long-range forecasts for several days now and things are not looking good. No snow days have been forecasted for the remainder of October. Or for the entire month of November!

I think my co-workers would agree with me that a snow day would be awesome right about now. My snow dance, however many times I perform it, seems to have no bearing on the weather. No snow equals school, or work, for me.

If snow days are out of the question, then what? The answer came to me quickly. Holidays!

Tomorrow is October 24. Tomorrow is also National Bologna Day. Now THAT'S a holiday worth celebrating! That's also short notice. My boss might not be so understanding of my absence.

Monday is Navy Day. Tuesday is Plush Animal Lover's Day. Wednesday is National Frankenstein Day. Thursday is National Candy Corn Day and Friday, of course, is Halloween.

I do have a plush skunk. How can I properly celebrate Plush Animal Lover's Day if I'm at work? If I fail to show up at work Tuesday, my boss and students will surely understand...

While it may be too late for October, I'm hard at work on a plan for November.

While we may have two days off for Thanksgiving in November, that may not be enough. I've started a petition to make World Peace Day a paid holiday like Christmas or Memorial Day. That would free us all up for a mental health day on November 17th.

I won't even touch December for obvious reasons. January and February generally usher in some decent school altering weather, snow dance or not!

And then there's March. There will be some big changes come March. Those changes will be dependent upon my clout as a celebrity, as well as whether or not my paperwork is approved, of course. I'm hoping to hear from President Obama any day now.

He should be signing off on my paperwork to make March 12 an official, nationally recognized, paid day off for everyone. Parades will be held. Future students will be forced to read about it and write reports. You may be thinking "What earth-shattering event occurred on March 12?"

March 12 is the date that the creator of Fuzzy, Black Dogs was born! If that doesn't constitute a full-blown, nationally observed holiday, then I don't know does.

Bass-tastic Fish Tales

"Do you expect me to talk?"

"No, Mr. Bass! I expect you to die!"

He was just a bass player in a little band. That is, until one day, a fan hooked him and stuck a finger in his mouth. That was the beginning of the end.

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Bass Fish

"But you look like a baritone."

"Nope. I only sing bass."

Quick honey! Get out the Ronco Bass-O-Matic! Mmmm! That's good bass!

My mental radio seemed to be out of synch. I decided to adjust a little bass.

Another fisherman saw my catch.

"Nice fish," he said. "What're you fishing with?"

"Well," I replied, "I started with a treble hook, but ended with a bass hook."