"Gold Medal Goes to Local Word Nerd!"

I generally don't consider myself a big sports nut. However, when the Olympics roll around, whether summer or winter, I am glued to the television set catching every sport the network is willing to air for the general public's viewing pleasure.

Believe it or not, I once considered myself Olympic athlete material.

I swam competitively for the better part of my younger years, or something like that. My best event? The mile. I loved long distance swimming. According to my coach, I even came really close to an Olympic qualifying time in practice one day.

It seems I had the strength and endurance to be the best, as well as the stubbornness and persistance. You know, it takes a special person to swim 66 lengths (30 in a 50 meter pool) as fast and as hard as they can. No matter how fast you are, it takes a good bit of time!

To be the best, though, requires something else -- you also have to WANT to be the best! I was just out there having fun, much to the consternation of both my coach and my father.

Regardless, I still have dreams of becoming an Olympic athlete. I'm creating a petition as we speak to send in to the International Olympic Committee suggesting some new sports events. In fact, these are sporting events which I would very likely be a gold medal contender.

The first would be fishing, or really, post-fishing stories. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I lie about the number of fish that I catch or even their sizes, but I will admit to being a writer. As my mother is fond of saying, I have been known to take some creative liberties. While my father seems to like the term 'exaggerate,' I personally prefer the term 'embellishment' or simply 'creativity.'

Terminology aside, the next event would simply be called Sentence Diagramming. I can diagram some pretty difficult sentences and I've discovered that a large majority of the population has never even heard of a sentence tree, let alone a predicate. I can just see the headline now in my local paper, "Gold Medal Goes to Local Word Nerd!"

According to my family, though, I stand the best chance to win a gold medal in Talking. My son likes to tell me that he knows of no one that could possibly out-talk me. My wife claims that I sometimes babble like a brook. Ludicrous, I say. Sure sometimes I may get on a roll about something, but very seldom do I just rant and rave nonstop. I mean, I really think...

Super Bowl Turns Out to be a Battle of Sorts

Another Super Bowl has come and gone. Given these confusing times, it might be necessary to give an honest recap of the entire fracas. Otherwise, there may be many people who don't understand what really happened on the evening of Sunday, February 6.

Two rivaling factions came together on a really large grassy field located in Dallas, Texas. It's unknown what the two factions were fighting over, exactly. However, they attempted to settle it by throwing balls and by slamming into each other repeatedly. Ironically, the whole soiree started out peacefully enough with a gentleman in a striped prison outfit throwing coins. Only the most civil members of each group were allowed to attend this. Due to the television volume, or the lack thereof, the coin toss determined that there would be a battle of sorts.

The thieves of Pittsburgh... Correction -- the steelworkers of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, initially kicked the ball at the packagers of Green Bay, Wisconsin. After the steelworkers kicked the ball, two relatively small groups of each faction ran at each other toward the middle of the large field. During the first half of the fracas, several of the packagers were maimed or injured, or maimed and injured, gave up and simply left thegame. The packagers also caught balls aimed at the steelworkers during the first half. When that happened, confusion reigned on the field and members of both factions would reverse directions and seemed unsure of what to do.

At the conclusion of the first half, a light show ensued. Again, due to the lack of volume, it appeared a group called the Black Eyed Peas was singing up a storm. They certainly blinked up a storm, creating the effect of stunning the packagers from Green Bay, Wisconsin. This was evidenced by the slightly lackluster performance of beating up on the steelworkers from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

In the end, the packagers showed what a close-knit group they were by all coming together for a massive group hug. Even some of the injured ones hobbled into the hug. Meanwhile, there was an organized effort to fill the air with millions of little pieces of paper whose purpose was simple; to provide ample cover so the striped prisoners could make their escape. The point to all this? Well, it doesn't seem there was any point to it. But it looked like a good time was had by all.