Good Behavior Provides Christmas Inspiration

Dear Santa,

Thanksgiving is well past and we've finally worked off the turkey. We're well into December and my thoughts have begun drifting to you and what is soon to come. You know what I mean. A certain (wink wink) gift-giving occasion that is just around the corner.

With that having been said, this would be a good time to mention that I've actually been pretty good this year. In fact, if you overlook certain key moments (like the pudding shots incident and the mimosa fiasco), I've been pretty good so far this whole decade.

Now, I won't even mention the Karmann Ghia or the "Mean Scream Dream Machine." You know all about those from previous letters I've sent you. As always, just let me know if you need any details...

Regardless, this year I wanted to impress upon you my stellar behavior, as well as offer some shining examples. My only motive for sharing is to provide inspiration, not try to boost the quality or quantity of my Christmas loot. Gifts, I mean.

There were a couple of times earlier this year that one of my fuzzy, black dogs had some accidents indoors. Like the good dog owner that I am, I dutifully cleaned the mess. I was certainly NOT muttering nasty, murderous euphemisms towards my sweet, fuzzy pups!

This year has been interesting with my not-so-little son getting his drivers permit. I've learned the power of prayer as a passenger in my own car. He'll be 16 within the week. Need I say more?

I have even been a really good son and brother during the past year! I have not even pestered my family. Well, not too much, anyway, Santa. But you know, everything's relative, and I'm mostly certain that they'll back me up on this one.

My wife is still in the process of getting her Masters in education. Now Santa... I've been by her side the whole time with a fresh cup of coffee ready when necessary. You know how many pots of coffee I've made? Me neither! But a new coffee maker might not be a bad thing, St. Nick.

And as her personal writing coach? I've been pretty good in that capacity as well. I only fuss because I'm so passionate about good grammar.

If you should need to verify this information, have your elves email my wife. Her name is Wilma Betty Flintstone. Her email is gOtnOemAil@nanobot.zpt. 

Don't worry, Santa. I can provide other family names and contact info if you need any more verification. Just let me know.

Discipline Made Simple

The following infomercial, though sponsored and created by Fuzzy, Black Dogs, does not necessarily express the views or opinions of the creator of Fuzzy, Black Dogs since he does not want his family to kill him in his sleep. And he certainly doesn't condone usage of this device.

It's the newest innovation to hit the market and will revolutionize discipline in the home as we know it! It's the new Behavioral Modification Paraphernalia. Or, as we call this simple device, BuMP.

Have a little one who refuses to wash dishes, scrub the floor or mow the yard? BuMP him! Or perhaps your wife didn't cook that five-course, gourmet meal you were looking forward to. BuMP her! It's so simple!

BuMP is a simple device that fits around the neck, wrist or ankle and administers a slight shock in order modify bad behavior. BuMP comes with two pieces so you can charge one while the other is in use. It also includes a handheld unit so you can BuMP the wearer when you observe unwanted behavior.

You may be thinking, "that sounds like a dog shock collar!" But it's not because it comes in designer colors and designs for boys and girls. They come in child and adult sizes.

When screaming, spanking, leather whips and stockades simply won't work, just try the all new BuMP! It works so much better than traditional punishments because the minute you observe that unwanted behavior, BuMP it. Zzzt! Voila, it stops immediately.

The kit includes two collars, a hand held trigger, a charger and a waiver which releases us from liability should you get hurt. It costs $85, plus tax, shipping and legal fees.

To purchase one, simply send your checking account number or credit card number to us at P.O. Box BuMP44, Shockem, NC, 27299. Allow five months for delivery.

Happy BuMPing!