Good Behavior Provides Christmas Inspiration

Dear Santa,

Thanksgiving is well past and we've finally worked off the turkey. We're well into December and my thoughts have begun drifting to you and what is soon to come. You know what I mean. A certain (wink wink) gift-giving occasion that is just around the corner.

With that having been said, this would be a good time to mention that I've actually been pretty good this year. In fact, if you overlook certain key moments (like the pudding shots incident and the mimosa fiasco), I've been pretty good so far this whole decade.

Now, I won't even mention the Karmann Ghia or the "Mean Scream Dream Machine." You know all about those from previous letters I've sent you. As always, just let me know if you need any details...

Regardless, this year I wanted to impress upon you my stellar behavior, as well as offer some shining examples. My only motive for sharing is to provide inspiration, not try to boost the quality or quantity of my Christmas loot. Gifts, I mean.

There were a couple of times earlier this year that one of my fuzzy, black dogs had some accidents indoors. Like the good dog owner that I am, I dutifully cleaned the mess. I was certainly NOT muttering nasty, murderous euphemisms towards my sweet, fuzzy pups!

This year has been interesting with my not-so-little son getting his drivers permit. I've learned the power of prayer as a passenger in my own car. He'll be 16 within the week. Need I say more?

I have even been a really good son and brother during the past year! I have not even pestered my family. Well, not too much, anyway, Santa. But you know, everything's relative, and I'm mostly certain that they'll back me up on this one.

My wife is still in the process of getting her Masters in education. Now Santa... I've been by her side the whole time with a fresh cup of coffee ready when necessary. You know how many pots of coffee I've made? Me neither! But a new coffee maker might not be a bad thing, St. Nick.

And as her personal writing coach? I've been pretty good in that capacity as well. I only fuss because I'm so passionate about good grammar.

If you should need to verify this information, have your elves email my wife. Her name is Wilma Betty Flintstone. Her email is gOtnOemAil@nanobot.zpt. 

Don't worry, Santa. I can provide other family names and contact info if you need any more verification. Just let me know.

Special Thanks for Thanksgiving

We, meaning the inhabitants of the Haworth household, have a lot to be grateful for this fine Thanksgiving Day. Here is a brief list of what my wife, my son and I are grateful for, as well as Bob, Ace and Lilly!

I know without asking that my wife is grateful for a few days off from school. Both of them. She's working hard on that Master's degree. I don't think I'm putting words in her mouth by saying she's also grateful for such a kind, warm-hearted, loving, amazing hubbie, who just happens to be the most modest, yet talented, gourmet chef on the East Coast of the U.S.

My son is grateful he'll be 16 in just less than two weeks. I think he's grateful for Dr. Who. He's also grateful to have a most awesome and cool, yet smart and witty, guy for a father.

Bob is grateful it's Thanksgiving. Period. He's also happy and grateful to hang out at my feet in the kitchen, cleaning up behind me every time I manage to drop food. Bob's always thankful for the prospect of more food. I think Bob loves me.

Ace is grateful for a warm lap to sit in. He's also thankful that his crazy owner has finally started running and is taking him out in the leash. Ace loves his owner!

Lilly is grateful for... Well, that she is capable of sleeping 12 hours in my bed without a single potty break! She's also thankful to the guy that feeds her. Me!

While I'm at it, my sisters are both grateful for a most sensitive, caring brother and my parents are thankful for the world's best son! My mother-in-law is thankful because I'm the world's greatest son-in-law

And me? I'm grateful for my awesome family that puts up with me. But I'm really thankful that I'm the writer, the creator of this blog. Otherwise, this could have turned out a whole lot different!

Turkey Facts for Thanksgiving

Turkey Day, or Thanksgiving, if you will, is right around the corner. I've read and learned some frightening real facts about the first Thanksgiving, which I won't be relaying to anyone through this post.

Instead, I will give you some facts that I just happen to know about turkeys. I suspect that they're fairly accurate, as I seem to remember reading them in some sort of reliable source. Regardless, prepare your horizons to be expanded.

I have never hit a turkey, either wild or domestic, with my car. I once came close to wiping out a small colony of wild turkeys that crossed the road in front of me. Luckily, I missed them!

Turkeys have wattles. Some humans have wattles, too. Turkeys, however, are supposed to have them.

It's been said that Benjamin Franklin lobbied to make the turkey the national bird for the US. Old Ben also went kind of nuts in his old age, as a matter of fact.



Umm... Yeah, that's my turkey!



If you over fry a turkey, it will explode. On that same token, if you undercook a turkey, it can make you very sick! It won't taste good, either.

It takes a very, very long time to cook a whole turkey! I know. I've done it once.

Wild turkeys can fly up to 55 miles per hour for short distances. I once had a VW that went that fast. Downhill.

Turkeys can see in color. Does that include bright hunter orange? Just asking...

Wild Turkey has no turkey in it at all. In fact, it's alcohol. Whiskey, to be exact. It can seriously mess you up!

I've read in several places that turkeys can drown if they look up while it's raining. Has this really been tested? I hope not! I think I know some humans who would drown if they looked up while it's raining.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Illness Suffering Causes Profound Thoughts

I managed to pick up a pretty decent illness a good week or more before Thanksgiving. It wasn't until Nov. 28 when I actually made it to the doctors office. The doctor and I made an interesting discovery. I had walking pneumonia!

Happily, I've got three days worth of pain reliever and antibiotics in me and am beginning to feel more like my old self again.

However, during the three worse days, I spent many, many hours in my bed coming up with good jokes and deep philosophical ponderings, as well as having many weird, bizarre dreams.

I will spare you the weird, bizarre dreams. I don't want to give my readers nightmares. I've been told by two sources that the jokes aren't that good. So that leaves us with the deep philosophical ponderings. Here are some that came to mind:

How is it that I develop more earwax when I'm sick than when I am well?

How is it that my 14 year old son can find a small piece of hidden candy within seconds, yet be unable to locate the shoes he took off minutes ago?

How is it that my wife is always right and I am always wrong?

How is it that there are no apples in the jar labeled 'apple jelly' in my refrigerator?

How is it that pain experienced increases proportionately the closer it gets to bed time?

How is it that a brainless machine, aka, my car, knows when will be the worst time to break down and does?

How is it that the best tasting things are generally the worst in regards to your health?

How is it that the hole in your pants pocket is always in the pocket in which you keep your loose change?

How is it that the distance it takes to go on vacation is longer than the distance it takes to come back home?

How is it that you can wear a hole in only one sock of a matching pair?

How is it that the holes in your jeans gravitate from the knees to the butt as you get older?

How is it that people seem to think if you have multiple dogs, taking on one more is really no big deal?

It's Good to be Thankful

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone. It followed on the heels of an awesome performance (by everybody, not just me) of  "Miracle on 34th Street, the Musical." After the excitement of the show died down and Thanksgiving dinner was stashed in the fridge, I sat and quietly contemplated my life and those things that I am thankful for.

Here is a small sampling of those things that I am truly thankful for:

That I have only three fuzzy, black dogs and not four or more.
My family, which consists of my wonderful wife and weird, but sweet, teenage son and three dogs.
My really cool sister-in-law, Kat, who gave me her iPod touch.
My good set of golf clubs that remind me each time I see them that I really can't afford to play golf these days!
The large, mossy patch of ground in front of my house that never requires mowing.
My in-laws who live around the corner from me. No, really, I am thankful for that!
My family, who just happen to live around the corner in the exact opposite direction. That, incidentally, was not planned. It was merely a lucky happenstance.
The small amount of weight I've lost and kept off, despite overeating for Thanksgiving.
My sisters for teaching me the value of ALWAYS lowering the toilet seat before exiting the restroom!
My job, because not working sucks.
My nearly thirty fishing rods that I currently own.
Did I mention my wonderful, sweet wife?

I'm thankful for many, many more things that are much to numerous to all be listed in one simple blog posting. I do want to mention one more thing I'm thankful for -- the readers of this blog! I hope you enjoyed reading this (and continue to enjoy reading it!) as much as I have enjoyed writing it.