Men, Women, and Foreign Objects

I have extensive knowledge on the subject of women. I grew up the middle child between two girls. I've been married for nearly 21 years. Trust me... I know stuff!

The most important thing that any guy needs to know about women is that they don't like foreign, unsightly, or out-of-place objects. Allow me to elaborate with a simple test.

Study, if you will, the photo above. Then proceed to the multiple choice answers listed below. While there may be more than one correct answer, you may pick only one.

A. Wow! This dude can't even take a decent selfie. Perhaps there's something wrong with him...

B. Hmm... I don't see anything wrong with this photo. Whatever.

C. Goodness. That's a long hair. He should probably cut it.

D. OMG! Foreign object alert! Somebody, quick, hand me the tweezers and stand back! 

If you picked A, that means you're a guy and you're only half correct. While I may not be the best selfie taker, I'm a pretty well adjusted, with-it, and swell kind of guy! Really!

If you picked B, you are, without a doubt, a guy. And you're right! There's really nothing... Too wrong about this photo.

If you picked C, your powers of observation are impressive. However, define long. Now define too long. Also, if I cut it, wouldn't another just grow out to take its place? Just some questions to ponder...

If you picked D, no doubt about it, you're a woman, plain and simple. This is okay, of course, because oftentimes men need women in their lives to take of these types of things.

My wife eradicated the "offending foreign object" last night with a pair of tweezers and extreme prejudice!

To my wife, and all women out there, men aren't weenies. It really does hurt, and for more than just a second, too! I nearly called in sick to my school due to the excruciating pain I felt upon waking...

New Test in the Works for American Children

It's that time of year for schools and students alike. That dreaded "T" word that makes kids tremble in their shoes and feign all sorts of illnesses. Testing. No matter what you call them, or what initials they go by, a test is a test is a test!

While I am not allowed to talk about my school's testing that we are currently undergoing, I can certainly tell you about mine! It's a special test. I created it myself. It's a non-specialized, specialized test whose sole purpose is to rate students' skills in real life situations.

Here's a brief sampling of my little exam:
1. You purchase a combo meal at a fast food restaurant drive-thru. You pay for it with a $10 bill and you:
a)get $5.37 change.
b)get a cold soda/hot coffee spilled in your lap within five minutes.
c)get a $5 bill and some change which will end up dropping somewhere onto the floorboard where you will never be able to reach without turning off the car, getting out, sitting on the ground and reaching in through the open door.

2. Three fuzzy, black dogs are:
a)two dogs too many!
b)three times the love!
c)fine, as long as they have been trained to NOT jump on you and lick your face the minute you sit/lay down to relax.

3. Your 4 year-old child dumps your fishing bait into the lake, then proceeds to tell you that he "liberated" the minnows you purchased to fish with. You:
a)tell him through a forced smile how incredibly proud you are that he used such a big word correctly.
b)punish him severely. Those itty-bitty minnows cost good money!
c)realize that it's hopeless due to other family members cheering and congratulating him and simply try to move forward.

4. Your car breaks down by the side of the road in a torrential downpour seemingly in the middle of nowhere. After you pull your vehicle safely to the roadside, you then:
a)begin cursing immediately, then call your brother/significant other (or insert any other car-knowledgable person of your acquaintance here) to come and save you.
b)calmly assess the situation, then proceed to fix the flat that has placed you in this nasty, wet predicament.
c)call AAA, then wear the battery down listening to your favorite cd to the accompaniment of a lovely rainfall while waiting for the tow truck.

As I said, this is only a small sampling of what will be known as the PEIAT (think car company Fiat, only with a hard P), aka Phillip's Everyday Important Answers Test. While, technically speaking, there are no wrong answers to my test, there are some answers that are simply 'more correct' than others.

I feel supremely confident that you will see more of this test in the future. THIS, in fact, is sure to be the test of choice for all educators across this great nation of ours. Look for it soon!