Good Behavior Has Its Perks

I've often wondered what I'd do
if I ran the classroom...
Well, today's the day! I'm a sub!
I'll make those kids' brains bloom!

When they came in quietly,
it was obvious to see
that, already, these young children
were all enamored with me.

I greeted students. I smiled at Jeeter.
I know how this works.
"Please sit and behave," I told them nicely.
"Good behavior has its perks!"

The first assignment for today?
"Let's see how well you write!"
But later, as I walked the desks,
I spied gleaming pages of white.

"My pencil's broke!" "My elbow hurts!"
"Hey! Jeeter took my pencil!"
How much trouble would there be
if Jeeter's head should meet a stencil?

I shook it off and told myself,
'I'm the teacher. I'm in charge.
I think I could be just as good
as their teacher, Miss LeBarge!'

We transitioned oh so smoothly
into guided reading,
until I noticed Jeeter was gone
and Brianna's arm was bleeding!

As I began to really panic,
full-blown stress took over.
I stopped the bleeding and Jeeter
came back, thanks to Mrs. Clover!

It took all of specials and recess
to pull myself together.
And then I noticed Cindy's gone!
Is she testing? Did I forget her?

Have I mentioned that Jeeter's gone nuts
as we tried to coast into math?
I'd have preferred some literature
like teacher's "Grapes of Wrath."

Then we eased uneasily into
something called 'team time,'
which I affectionately refer to
as the final downhill climb!

Now Carmella's locked in the bathroom
and Jeeter's screaming on the rug.
All I can do is heave a sigh
and reach for my travel mug.

Water?! Oh, Lord, please help me!
Make something stronger in my cup.
As the day's end slowly approaches,
I yell, "Jeeter! Just shut up!"

First-Grader Limericks Rock!

Greetings and salutations! It's still April, which means that is still National Poetry Month. Our raffle for the $10 gift card and call for poetry has come to an end.

Fear not, though, readers. I'm still badgering my first grade guided reading students and beating them over the head with poetical terms and words, figuratively speaking, of course.

My first-graders seem to be natural born limerick writers. Here is what we came up with in two days work. (Teacher's and student's names have been eradicated to protect the guilty... Whoops, meant innocent!)

One day a girl started to dance
Because she got ants in her pants.
Her teacher went crazy
Because the ants were too lazy
To leave on a small boat to France!

A girl in one teacher's classroom
Planted a tree and it started to bloom
It grew from the floor
And up through a drawer
Now the teacher can't teach from the gloom!

A boy started jumping in his chair
So high, he flew in the air!
He got stuck in the lights
The teacher doesn't like heights.
For three days he's been stuck way up there

A girl in one teacher's classroom
Flew through the class on a broom.
She fell off on a table
Onto a student's name label
So the teacher sent her to her doom!

Poetry Contest for April

In case you didn't know, April is National Poetry Month. Fuzzy, Black Dogs is collecting poems and also will be having a give-away later this month. I've included more details at the end of this post.

In honor of this most special month, I'm torturing all my students by imparting my vast knowledge of poetry upon them.

"Uhh, Mr. Haworth," a girl in one of my classes asked recently. "Does bug rhyme with rain?"

It seems like I may have my work cut out for me there. Regardless, here are some of my own fun poems I'd like to share with you.

Roses are wilted
Violets are dead.
Forgot to water them.
Here's a poem instead.

----

Oh, fuzzy, black dogs,
Why do you smell?
Why do you stink
Like eternal #^££!

And why did you eat
The remote control.
The TV lies dormant,
>@%¥ your dog soul!

Not everything I write is funny or ridiculous. I wrote this Shakespearean-style sonnet for my wife before we got married.

In autumn days the wind grows strong
And the earth gets hard and cold,
The springtime warmth will thaw the throngs
Of flowers so bright and bold;
What chance does that which lives
Against such changing weather
Its life it ultimately gives
For nothing will go on forever.
But if your warmth and your love
Were to crush beneath such a pressure
My life would surely go on, but above
And beyond any earthly pleasure.
Your personal changes will always affect me,
But your love is my sole stability.

Here is a poem my son just thought up for this post. I apologize for his weirdness.

This is a haiku.
It's a type of poetry,
Refrigerator.

One of my favorite funny poems comes from "Bloom County," one of the greatest cartoons ever created. The character Steve has written a poem for a sorority girl he has a crush on. In an effort to impress her, he recites the poem drunk and naked on her front porch.

"In my dreams
You're all I sees.
Boobs, butt and knees.
Won't you please
Be my main squeeze."

For the month of April, send me some of your funniest poems. I will publish some of them in my posts throughout this month. I will be picking one random winner to receive a $10 Barnes & Noble gift card (yeah, I'm broke!).

Here are the details. Here's how you can enter to win the gift card. 1. Send me your poetry -- one entry. 2. Follow my blog -- one entry. 3. Like Fuzzy, Black Dogs on Facebook -- one entry. 4. Share Fuzzy, Black Dogs on your wall -- one entry. 5. Follow me on Twitter (@phillip_haworth) -- one entry. 6. Leave a comment on the blog including how many entries you have entered and where. Deadline for entries is April 14 at midnight. The winner will be announced on April 16th.

My Serious Side Emerges, But Only Momentarily

Contrary to popular belief, I do have a serious side. It comes out from time to time. Sometimes it even comes out in my writing. In fact, about this time 16 years ago, I wrote a poem for my best friend and girlfriend, who, not coincidentally, was also my fiancee. It was supposed to have been a Valentine's Day gift, but it took longer than I expected to iron the kinks out, so to speak.

It was a Shakespearean-style sonnet, adhering tightly to the rhyme scheme and theme of Shakespeare's impressive collection of love sonnets. I ended up giving it to her closer to our wedding date, which, luckily enough, was early enough for my wife-to-be to request it be put on the back of our wedding program.

God has a sense of humor. Sometimes you have to look for it and sometimes it's obvious. It was obvious to me when, at some point during the day of my wedding, one of my cousins sought me out.
"Phillip," he said, holding the program, "where did you get this poem?"
"Me," was my only answer.
"No," he continued. "I mean, what poet wrote it? Where did you get it?"
"Me," I said again. "I wrote it."
I got no further comments from him. He just looked at me a moment and then turned and walked off. I still smile when I think about it since I don't think he believed me. But I am flattered that he thought some great poet wrote it. Me.

I meant to post it for my wife for Valentine's Day (yesterday!!). However, life got in the way and kept me busy. Luckily, I haven't forgotten, so here it is. I love you honey. Happy Valentine's Day.

In Autumn days the wind grows strong
And the earth gets hard and cold,
The springtime warmth will thaw the throngs
Of flowers so bright and bold;
What chance does that which lives
Against such changing weather
Its life it ultimately gives
For nothing will go on forever.
But if your warmth and your love
Were to crush beneath such a pressure
My life would surely go on, but above
And beyond any earthly pleasure.
Your personal changes will always affect me,
But your love is my sole stability.