Candy Sizes Prove Inaccurate

My natural scientific curiosity has taken control of my mind and I've started conducting experiments with some of the items that we sell at the little drug store in which I work

It seems there are several different classifications of size when it comes to chocolates and candy. And these classifications vary according to the company and product.

Let's see... We have mini-sized, miniature-sized, trial-sized, fun-sized, fun-pak-sized, share-sized, regular-sized, medium-sized, large-sized, king-sized and party-sized. I'm pretty sure that I haven't covered all the sizes available in candy, but that's okay. I don't know if I have time or space enough to delve into that.

I, personally, have tried many of these so called sizes and have learned a very sad fact. They're not true. We, as a country, may need to come together to form a large class action lawsuit against these chocolate and other candy companies.

The bag of mini-sized chocolates that I ate did NOT make me mini-sized. Likewise, the fun-sized package of chocolatey-peanut bars I ate didn't make me any more fun. In fact, shortly after consuming the entire package, I felt kind of queasy and sickly and mostly un-fun.

I suspect the large and king-sized are a bit more honest in their descriptions. I am questioning the whole party-sized concept. Of the people I know who enjoy chocolate, I know very few willing to share their chocolate. With that having been said, I don't think they'll be having parties to "share" their chocolate with others.

That means the size must refer to the person. So what, exactly, does party-sized mean, anyway? Am I party-sized? I know I have a bit of a gut, but, c'mon! Are we talking block party-sized or just soirée party-sized?

We need better, more definitive descriptions for these candy products. How about bubble butt-sized? Maybe spare tire-sized? Or even bust-a-gut-sized?

Until these companies offer more honesty in their product descriptions, I'm going to have to join the gym to reduce myself from party-sized to king-sized. Maybe I'll even shoot for regular- sized.

It's the Sweet Things...

Some people say it's the simple things in life that matter most. What they really mean is that it's the sweet things in life that matter the most

My wife tested me this weekend. At least, I think it was a test. As we drove through Lexington, NC, she asked me to stop at The Candy Factory on North Main Street. Having never been there before, and having the word "candy" in the name, I was already intrigued.

"Just get me some popcorn to munch on," she said. "And get a little something for yourself, if you'd like."

Now, of course, since I have a kid, I've been to quite a few candy stores. Some, in fact, have been large and impressive. As I got out of the car, I was certain this would be pleasant, but not comparable to some of the candy stores I have visited.

At the time, I thought I walked into the front door of the business. Hindsight showed me, however, that I had walked through a portal into another realm. The scent of sweets assaulted my nose. Elated chatter and creaking wood boards harmonized and swam around the room. Colors and shapes popped from every direction as a happy, warmth enveloped and welcomed me. Soft, smooth chocolate tantalized my tongue without my having to eat anything.

I floated through The Candy Factory, taking a sampling of this and a little bit of that. I pondered getting a second basket or just rearranging the one I had to make room for more. At 43 years old, I was the proverbial kid. You know, the kid in the candy store. Except I was the kid in the candy store with a credit card and full license to use it. And, luckily, I did remember to get my wife's popcorn.

I'm not sure, but I think I failed the test. Her eyes bugged out as I approached the car with a bag bulging with all sorts of goodies. I disarmed her with my most charming smile.

"Look honey," I said, getting in the car some time later. "I found your popcorn!"