A Fond Farewell

My dear readers. It is with a heavy heart that I write this, but, alas, this could be my final post. I've been assassinated by a dog.

The guilty party.

Given my socioeconomic status, as well as my financial status, you may think I'm being melodramatic. However, keeping my celebrity status (as the creator of Fuzzy, Black Dogs, of course) in mind, I don't think so.

Regardless, as of this moment, I estimate that I have one hour and 20 minutes left to live. My teenager estimated two hours since the incident occurred.

Here's the incident in a nutshell. I was joking with my son and playing with Bob. I pretended I was going to lick Bob (pretend being the operative word here! Yuck!). Bob saw his opportunity and went for the kill and licked me. Two things touched that should never, ever come into contact with one another!

My son, who witnessed this transgression, did some quick math. He estimated I had approximately two hours to live. That was 11:45am, Eastern Standard Time.

Considering that Bob has eaten, literally, remote controls, oranges, canine excrement, trash, leashes, branches, bugs, lettuce, eggshells, dirty socks and other items unknown, my son and I are certain I'm a goner.

We spent a good 60 seconds pondering our mortality and fates. Then my son put a hand on my shoulder.

"You've been a great dad," he said, "but I've got things to do. So long, pop."

And off he went.

I should go now. I'm waiting for phone calls from J-Lo, Kimmy K. and Madonna, among others. They're sure to call to grieve with me.

Celebrity Airs Dirty Laundry

I recently read on the front of a magazine that Britney Spears is addicted to sugar. Shame on her! With her money and status, she should be addicted to some "high-end" drug! Not sugar! That's just pitiful.

Regardless, that headline startled and alarmed me. It occurred to me that I could be next! As the creator and author of the wildly popular blog, Fuzzy, Black Dogs, I may very well be a celebrity! While my ego soared a moment, my sensibility took over. That could be my picture instead of Brit's!

Luckily, I am dealing with my new status as a celebrity in an effective manner.

I've created a simple marketing plan. I will air my own dirty laundry before the National Enquirer, Star, National Examiner, Globe, OK! Magazine or any of those other publications get hold of it. That way I can prevent myself from being late for work in the mornings. I imagine it would take time to push through the media that could be camped out on my front lawn.

With that being said, I'm right there with you, Brit. I, too, am somewhat of a sugar addict. I realize this may come as a bit of a shocker to my adoring fans, but it's true.

This photo was definitely taken out of context!

For my latest venture, I've been making money. You name it -- ones, tens, 20's, 50's, 500's and even 1,000's! The trick is to back them with construction paper before laminating them. That way, the fourth-graders I'm making them for don't wear them out too quickly.

Each denomination has a different colored back for quick ID purposes!

According to my sisters, I went on a murder rampage once. It was purely accidental! The guppies in my fish tank had a disease which gave them white, fuzzy spots. I incorrectly mixed the medicine to cure them and... Well, none of them survived. The flushing ceremony was a sad, but beautifully choreographed event.

And before either of my sisters try to leak info to the press, I did not try to kill off my family.

In my defense, I was 13. Also, it was my first attempt at cooking. I simply misread the ingredients.

I don't think a cup of salt would kill anyone. It might raise your blood pressure and make you incredibly thirsty, but not kill you.

Phillip's Freeze Pop Diet

I've discovered a wonderful, new diet. It's affordable and easy and there are no specialty meals that you have to buy. You don't have to count calories. You don't even have to set foot on the scales. In fact, I suggest that you don't. I call it Phillip's Freeze Pop Diet.

That's right. Move over South Beach Diet and Atkins. Watch out SugarBusters! This will be the biggest new fad in eating and dieting.

(Insert gorgeous spokesmodels here.)
"Wow," says hot celebrity number one to number two. "You look so... Unbelievable!"
"I know," says hot celebrity number two. "And to think that I owe it all to Phillip's Freeze Pop Diet. It's the newest thing, you know."

The advantages to the freeze pop diet are too numerous to fully list in a single blog post. However, I can tell you that they're cheap. You get a whole bunch in a mesh bag for only a few dollars! Compare that to a South Beach frozen meal you get in the grocery store.

They come in a variety of colors and flavors. There's orange, red, yellow, green and blue. Those aren't just colors, they're flavors, too! They even come in orangey-yellow, light and darker green, pink, reddish-orange and an off-white which tastes remarkably similar to Pina Colada.
The freeze pops are incredibly versatile. They're good before, during and after meals. Hungry? Hmm... Grab a freeze pop from the freezer and you're good to go!

Some freeze pops are even healthy for you. Once, I found a package of specialty freeze pops that, according the packaging, are from real fruit juice. They even claimed on the packaging that they contained vitamin C!

The thing I personally like most about freeze pops is that they're practical. Run out of ice? Break up a freeze pop and drop it into your drink. Flavored ice. Bee sting? Keep it in its plastic sleeve and apply it directly to the swollen area. Run out of drink? Melt it down and, voila, you have a fruity drink in a plastic sleeve!

I personally find that a freeze pop with breakfast, in lieu of my morning coffee, wakes me up pretty well. I mean, face it, nothing says summer like a freeze pop for breakfast. Or you could even add alcohol for your summer fun. You know, a little rum and your Pina Colada flavor freeze pop... Not too shabby.

However, getting back to the diet plan, here's what you. Eat one freeze pop after breakfast, one after lunch and one, maybe two, after dinner. Not able to eat one of those meals? Don't worry about the meal itself, just grab a freeze pop and you're good to go. You're on your way to a happier you!

On an unrelated note, I suspect my fuzzy, black dogs have gotten hold of my scales. It's not displaying my weight correctly and the number seems to change on a daily basis. My next post may be all about my search for a new dog-proof, accurate scale. After all, the numbers should be going down, not up, on the freeze pop diet.