Selfies Best Left to the Young

I've shot people. I've shot animals. I've shot nature. I've even shot a couple of weddings. I took a lot of my own photographs at the newspapers at which I've worked. I have even received advice from two award-winning photographers and won an award (an honorable mention, in fact) myself. But, try as I might, I simply cannot seem to take an acceptable selfie.



Me, enjoying my morning coffee.



A 'selfie' is a photo that you take of yourself, by yourself. One generally takes a selfie with a cell phone camera. I can attest to the difficulty of taking a selfie with a digital SLR, let alone a regular SLR.



Me, sitting on the front porch.



You can add others to your selfie, if you so choose. In doing so, you are no longer taking a selfie. You are now taking a 'groupie.' If we're keeping our pronoun suffix consistent, we should be calling it a 'selvie.' Or, perhaps, 'selvesie.'

Regardless of my futile attempt to grammatically correct slang terms, the fact remains that I have yet to take a successful selfie. Please note the examples placed within this post.



Me, feeding the dogs.

I've even attempted some selfies with my wife, who is generally more tech savvy than myself. Those attempts failed as well, most likely through no fault of hers!

My wife and I.

I decided to throw in the towel and call on the experts. Approximately seven how to internet articles later, I announced that I knew exactly what to do to finally take the perfect selfie. Needless to say, I followed their directions to the letter and, viola! I got the perfectly centered and composed photograph of me and my wife that you see here.

Now if someone could please tell me how to activate the flash on this stinking cell phone, I might be able to take a decent selfie!

Travel Guide to Kiawah Island

While Kiawah Island does have its dangers, such as alligators, monster spiders, snakes and other wildlife, there are other, greater problems with which island-goers may have to contend.

Having been to Kiawah Island for several summers in a row, I have not yet dealt with, or heard of, man-eating gators. Likewise with the spiders and snakes. It seems that one generally has to look for them in order to find them.

One of the first dangers that my massive familial unit encountered was a well-meaninged vacationer. Honestly, though, we attacked him first. We asked him to take a picture or two of an entire half of our family tree at one time.

"Click, click." We stood and smiled. "Click, click." We smiled some more as "click, click" guy pretended to take pictures.

"Click, click," he went a third time with his mouth. I watched as he moved the shutter speed button for the fourth time. Then he flipped my Dad's very expensive camera and glanced at the bottom. "Man," he said, "what a crappy camera this is!"

We did find someone younger to take an actual photograph of all of us. Luckily, she didn't have as hard a time finding the single silver button set on the black top panel of the Canon camera.

House strangers are always dangerous, especially when one is sitting on the toilet in the bathroom.

"Hello," said an unknown voice on the other side of the bathroom door. "Does the door lock?"

This was all my son heard. He told me he silently prayed that the bathroom door was solidly locked and would protect him from the unknown individual on the other side of the door.

It turns out that we were having technical difficulties with the lock on the front door of the house. Apparently, the handy man had come during the day and fixed it. The unknown voice belonged to the gentleman sent to follow up on the repairs.

I'm concerned about the long-lasting effects this may have on my son's psyche when visiting bathrooms in places other than our own home.

Bicycles are likely the most dangerous things that exist on Kiawah Island. Two nephews, my son, my father and myself were bucked off the back of our wild bicycles!

My nephews' bikes sent them sprawling in the road. My son's sent him head first through a sandcastle. I was not made privy to my father's fall. And my bike? It tried to send me head first through the spokes of my mother's bike. I, however, foiled its plan and fell safely into a patch of gator-less grass.

While Kiawah Island is a beautiful, fun place to be, beware of the bicycles. They can be dangerous.

New Technology... Is That an App?

I'm currently fighting a battle. You could call it a battle of good versus evil, but that might be laying it on a little thick. No, it's more like a battle of old school sensibility versus new age thought processes.

Loosely translated -- technology is kicking my butt!

I am the proud, new owner of a previously gently used iPhone. I'm discovering that there are many, many things that this phone is capable of doing. That list also includes many things I don't think I am capable of doing, iPhone or not!

Just when I was getting the hang of my iPod, technology throws me a knuckle sandwich, so to speak. My last blog post was written and posted on this strange device. Notice the change in font and photograph that doesn't seem to be there.

It has a camera on it. I actually have a rudimentary knowledge of how to use the camera and have taken numerous photos. The photos impress me when my wife has a moment to pull them up to show me.

Here is a photograph of my foot. For some reason, those come quick and easy for me! I'll share this one before it gets deleted, like all the others.

This thing even takes video! We haven't ventured into those waters, yet. Patience and time... We're taking this one step at a time.

I thought I had the calculator figured out until I turned my phone sideways. Holy *bleeeep*!! Trig kicked my butt in high school! Is this an app? Lord, tell me it's not so!

I have a stocks function on this iPhone. As of this writing, NASDAQ is -1.61, whatever that means. When I can afford to have my dogs groomed, perhaps I'll invest in stocks. But not the NASDAQ. I'll only invest in things with positive numbers.

Get this... I can even surf the Internet! Except, for me, it's more like getting ploughed over by a tsunami.

I've been informed by a trusted source (my 15 year old) that touch screen technology is not new. It's fun, but you have to be careful what you touch and how you touch it.

I started out in Yahoo! news. I tried to scroll down, but a new page came up. Since I didn't need the hair growth formula, I hit the back button. It seems I have wide, or fat (or whatever!), fingers and a dating site for lonely Asian women came up. Big button. Do over.

My second time around, I started with Google. I was attempting to get a business phone number and address. Let's just say that you also have to watch what you search for. I won't say what came up. I will tell you that typos in the search line can be disastrous.

Shooting Ducks

Once upon a time, there were three ducks. Their names were Bubba duck, Sawbuck duck and Two-Buck duck. One day the three ducks were busy flapping their wings and heading south for the winter.

"Hey, Bubba duck," said Sawbuck duck. "We're in luck. Farmer Nucknuk hasn't gathered his corn. Remember, we've sworn to warn each other when food is found."

So the three ducks struck out and headed for the field. They ate and they ate until they could eat no more. The three ducks nearly nodded off and were about to snore when a man bore upon them.

"I want to shoot you," said the man. "That is my plan. What luck! Now I can pluck three ducks!"

"You don't want to shoot me," said Bubba duck. "I have an infection in my knee, as you can plainly see. I'm too large and untasty. So please don't waste me!"

With that, Bubba duck spread his wings and took off. Sawbuck duck and Two-Buck duck stared at Bubba duck, feeling like their luck had just run out. They stood, stuck in their tracks. The man with the plan slowly pulled out a camera. He started to shoot as his feet shuffled in his boots.

Sawbuck duck went into action and struck a pose. He stuck his wings up and pointed his toes. He ruffled his feathers and angled his nose. He blurred every picture with each cheap, silly pose. The man with the plan simply turned away and ran, leaving that lame duck stuck in the last pose he struck.


Moral: Never go with a Sawbuck duck when a Two-Buck duck will do -- or -- just because something rhymes, doesn't mean it's good!