Spin Cycle's Not for Dogs

Only eleven days into the new year and it's time for a status report. And, if the first week and a half of 2014 is to be any indication of what's to come, it's going to be an off-kilter, oddball kind of year!

It took a barrage of medical tests to determine that I was running a temperature and regurgitating for seemingly no reason. I am happy to announce that I've managed to shake off all illnesses, imagined or otherwise, and am currently in good health, as best I know.

Sadly, though, we are not all in good health in my happy, little household.

Mr. Volvo, who has actually been ailing for quite some time, is currently in a coma at the side of my house. His pacemaker, or alternator if you're a mechanic, simply gave out.

My car showed me that it cared by waiting until I was in the middle of nowhere. That's when it kicked the bucket and began powering down. I was trucking down an unlit, two-lane road in Randolph County at the time. I managed to push the dead vehicle the last 50 yards safely into a parking lot.

My school has already proved to be no exception to the weird epidemic that seems to be going on around me.

Car rider line has proven to be a dangerous venture these days. One parent tried to nail me with his car this past week! Luckily, metal and concrete pole number one performed its job remarkably well. It brought the car to an abrupt stop.

It was mentioned later that the driver was merely trying to avoid the speed bump and 'accidentally' hit the pole. That scenario is possible. However, my writer instincts tell me he was aiming for the deceptively handsome first grade teacher assistant.

The epidemic of weird has spread to the fuzzy, black dogs, as well.

Lilly, our littlest fluffball, disappeared recently. She was in the house when my son and I left. But, when we returned, she was gone.

We looked outside. We looked inside, both upstairs and down. My wife even joined in the search since Lilly is considered 'her' dog. (We each have our own assigned dog, of course.) I looked in the kitchen cabinets while my son looked under the sofa.

I ran a quick assessment of the situation. We obviously didn't see her. It seemed like we could smell her, but then my entire house sometimes smells like a dog. While I've never shown any psychic tendencies, I just felt she was near. Perhaps what I was experiencing was a psychotic moment, instead.

"I hear her," my wife yelled. "I hear her! She's in the laundry room!"

Women! Obviously the dog wasn't in the laundry room! That's where we keep the dogs when we're not home. I had looked there first. No dog.

Simply laughable. If the crazy dog was in the laundry room, she would have had to have been in the...

It was a tight squeeze, but it only took me 15 minutes to safely pull the little dog out of the upright washing machine.

All I can say is that 2014 can only get better from here!

Hi-ho! Hi-ho! It's Off to...

It's that time of year for my family's annual beach pilgrimage to Kiawah Island. We usually partake this trip under the guise of a vacation.

I always look forward to these trips, but I'm even more excited about it this year than usual. Due to strange events that have happened previously, certain precautions will be taken.

Take the beer, for example. Last year, the Coronas I purchased shrunk down to Coronitas at the North/South Carolina border (see the related blog post from July last year!). I've switched cars and put a safety aura around my Volvo. That should fix it!

There was an issue with a large pack of peanut M&M's I tried to sneak in the house, too. Originally, it was determined they disappeared about the same time that the beer shrank. Then there was a question concerning pilferage within the family ranks.

Those M&M's did finally appear after the vacation. I don't quite recall where they were located, but, having spent the better part of a hot week in a vehicle, they were NOT in good shape.

Also, this crazy group of individuals I call my family simply doesn't understand the true wealth of knowledge I possess. I diligently try to impart this knowledge upon them, but they don't listen.

One year, a bag of chips went missing. I told them it wasn't me, but they didn't listen. I told them they could cool the pool with the faulty heater with ice. They either didn't listen, or didn't believe me. Funny, it was never determined who mistakenly cut the pool heater on that July.

I've even told them -- for years -- how to repel mosquitoes naturally. It's simple. You just don't shower.

I took it a step further one year and demonstrated how well this worked. I am happy to tell you that I was the only family member who didn't complain about the mosquitoes.

Not only did my family not listen to me that year, they wouldn't sit near me either! Unless I was immersed in the pool. Or a steady breeze was blowing. Such an ungrateful bunch, my family.

However, they are my family. No matter how crazy or bizarre they are, I love the whole big, prickly pack of them!

Miracles DO Still Happen

My Volvo is trying to get me fired.

I know... I know... It sounds a lot like 'the dog ate my homework' or 'aliens abducted my homework notebook.' But here's what happened. What really happened.

Some weeks back, the key fob to the Volvo broke and fell off my keychain. No problem, though. The keys still work, right? So I woke up this morning only to find the drivers door lock frozen tight.

No problem. I'll just use the lock on the passenger side door and hit the unlock button. Worst case scenario -- I have to crawl across. Oh, yeah! Newer Volvos don't have exterior locks on the passenger side door anymore.

PROBLEM!

After a brief moment of panic, rational thought started to creep back into my brain. Why, I'll simply heat up the key. Brilliant! Someone showed me that trick once and it actually worked.

My first thought was the cigarette lighter. However, if I could get to the car lighter, then I probably wouldn't be stuck in my current situation.

Unfortunately, I don't smoke, so there were no lighters to be found. I did find a grill lighter, though. In fact, I found two. Tragically, they both spent they're last dying moments in my fumbling, frozen hands which were trying desperately to hold the flame and key steady.

On my fourth trip into the house, I found a box of matches. As I reached the car, I discovered the box contained only two matches. No problem, I thought.

On my fifth trip into the house, I found a full box of matches. My still frozen fingers, however, were still having problems holding the matches and key steady and close enough before my matches burned out.

I was beginning to be very late for work. Funny how the panic of an encroaching deadline can invoke creative thinking! A candle! That meant one more trip inside.

A pile of wax covered matches and grill lighters and 10 minutes later, I managed to break into the stubborn vehicle. Miracles DO still happen.

I must have been a sight, standing amidst my arsonist pile while holding my lit candle. I imagined my neighbor, who happens to be one of my first-graders, standing at the window and his possible reaction to the sight across the street.

"Mom! Mom," he probably yelled. "Come quick! My teacher is trying to set his car on fire!"