Anatomy of a Snowstorm

We've already finished one snowstorm here in North Carolina. Now we've begun the next one! While we survived the first one more or less unscathed, that doesn't necessarily mean it went smoothly.

The second, larger snowstorm, aka, Snowpocalypse!

Here is what happened in a nutshell.

Day 1 - (Monday evening) Yay! Snow! I love snow! It sure is pretty! I wonder if it will last long enough to get us out of at least one day of school?

Day 2 - (Tuesday) Yay! No school! I need a day to get caught up on all the things that need to be done around the house. I'll finally fix that towel rack I knocked down last week.

But before I tackle that, let's see if I can figure out where that kid put the remote control. It's been forever since I've seen the Queen Latifah show!

Day 3 - (Wednesday) Wow! No school? Again? Two day vacation? That's crazy! At least I can get to that towel rack I put off yesterday. But first, I'll check my Twitter and Facebook...

Day 4 - (Thursday) Ummm... What? No school?! I wonder if my kiddos miss me? Are they taking advantage of the weather to read some good books? I could email some math fraction questions out for them to do.

Wow! I'm way off my routine. I sure do hope we have school tomorrow...

Day 5 - (Friday) What?! No school?! I'm gonna call the county school board office to lodge a formal complaint! We should be in school today!

Thunk! Thunk! Thunk! (That's the sound of my head hitting the wall.) Oooooooooohhhh!! Oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh!! I'm! So! Bored!

Needless to say, I raced to school on Friday for my optional teacher work day. 

Now, only a few days later, we're out of school again because of snow! Maybe I'll get that towel rack fixed this time around.

Alien Invasion Imminent

Alien technology has infiltrated the Haworth household. It has settled in my home in the form of a travel coffee mug.

Please don't think I'm being extreme about this. I've added a photo and even included some supporting details.

The travel mug in question...  Alien or not!

Here are my conclusions thus far...

The brand name these aliens have come up with is MojoEmo. I feel certain this means something nefarious in Martianese!

The first fact is that the cup isn't designed to travel with humans. Observe the shape of the travel mug above. I've yet to see it fit into the cup holder of any vehicle! How does one travel with a non-traveling mug?

The second fact is that we still have the mug. Most travel mugs don't last an entire year, especially ones put through the dishwasher multiple times. They crack, warp and leak after a few months.

This mug, as of this photo, is approximately two years old. It works just as well as the day it was purchased.

The third, and final fact, is what this mug is capable of doing.

My wife and I were driving to Raleigh a few weekends back. Approximately 20 minutes down the road, my coffee had already become tepid, at best.

"Mine's too hot to drink, still," she said. I gave her my best "Yeah. Right." look, so she offered me a sip.

Somehow, the temperature of her coffee increased since I poured it into the cup! What the bleep!?

I may be purchasing large quantities of aluminum foil soon. I'll need something to protect me, my wife, son and three fuzzy, black dogs from being abducted by aliens!

Fuzzy, Black Dogs Vs. The Intruder

There's been a pretty vicious string of break-ins in my neighborhood recently. Thanks to the valiant efforts of my three fuzzy, black dogs, I suspect one of those break-ins was thwarted.

While I obviously wasn't there, I analyzed and recreated the crime scene. My brilliant deductions led me to one startling conclusion. My dogs are geniuses!

Here is what, I believe, happened.

Footsteps were heard on the front porch. The three dogs sprang into action, enacting their plan.

Lilly Abigail Martin van Buren (she thinks she's royalty, you know), the littlest of the three (who is also the alpha dog in my absence), took up her position at the door and growled. "Rrrrrrrrr!!"

"Ace," she barked. "Take the back door! Now! Let no one in!"

"Bob! Find something to hinder or slow the interloper!"

"Look what I found," says Bob, carrying what used to be a brand new, largish bag of coffee and leaving a trail behind him. "If the inter-whatever is invisible, perhaps we'll see his footsteps!"

Bob proceeded to rip into the bag of coffee, spreading grounds from one end of the house to the other. And in an over zealous fit... of something, he shredded the inner and outer bags as well.

Here is but a small part of the mess!

At this point, the interloper has become well aware of two things -- three vicious, attack dogs and a house that Oscar the Grouch would be proud of!

Naturally, the interloper fled the scene. The three vicious, attack dogs, having nothing better to do, decided to sample the gourmet coffee for themselves. This would explain the hint of coffee in the various 'deposits' which were left around my humble abode.

That's the obvious explanation for the mess that greeted me upon arriving home from work this past Tuesday.

While I have since cleaned the mess, I haven't yet figured out how to get the Starbucks smell out of my house.

DeflateGate? No. CartGate!

"Honey," my wife said as we entered the store that I not-so-affectionately refer to as Wally World. "This cart is all wonkee. How about getting me another one?"

The offending wonkee wheel!

Some alien has obviously burrowed deep within my wife's brain and has detrimentally impaired her cognitive abilities!

When it comes to shopping carts -- whether at grocery stores, department stores, home improvement or any stores -- I have the worst luck with carts.

As the retriever of the household groceries, I have a considerable collection of pretty scary cart stories. In order to spare my readers, I will relay but one of these stories.

It was at my local grocery store several months back. I nonchalantly picked the nearest cart and headed toward produce. Ka-whomp. Ka-whomp. Ka-whomp.

I pushed the cart to the side. I went back for another and was heading for produce when ka-swish to the left. Ka-swish left. Ka-swish left. I ditched it as well.

I imagine you've heard the adage 'third time's a charm'? Well, it most certainly was. That is, until it came to a jarring halt and I nearly pitched head first into the cart!

Fearing for my health, I refused to get a fourth.

Perhaps now you may understand my reluctance towards picking out a better shopping cart. So I devised an immediate plan.

I observed three people returning carts. I analyzed their faces and their carts. I made a quick choice and pounced, scoring what I believed to be the best rolling cart out of the lot.

Did my plan work? Well, I got no complaints from my wife.

Expert Tips and Advice on Dieting

One of the most popular New Year resolutions people make is to lose weight. I think I've actually made that resolution before. Maybe.

This, of course, explains why you see so many articles lately, online and elsewhere, about various aspects of weight loss. Some tout the virtues of weight loss. Some tell you how to do it. Some tell you how not to do it. Some tell you how to think, be or act in order to do it. Some even tell you how to do it psychologically. Hmmmm...

I've yet to see an article on where to find it once you've lost it. I usually find mine lurking in a dark corner of my bedroom. It's obedient, though, and usually comes back.

Regardless of whether or not you've resolved to lose weight, here are my expert tips and advice on weight loss.

The freeze pop diet is still a work in progress. I think that, in order to make it work, I may have to switch to healthier freeze pops instead of the generic, sugary store brands.

I've also experimented on the collard green diet. Though collard greens are healthy, I advise against this one simply because of the gastronomical effects and the 'outcome.' It's not pretty. Nor is it conducive to others wanting to remain in the immediate vicinity of the collard green over-eater!

Glory collard greens? Simply the best!

I'm currently working on a Pop-Tarts diet. I've been working on this one for quite some time. It's still a work in progress.

I've heard good things about hiring a personal trainer. Unfortunately, that means I'd have to clean my house and -- gasp! -- keep it clean. That's a lot of exercise in and of itself. Also, I can't find a free personal trainer.

Workout videos work well for some. However, the few times I've tried them, my dogs seem to think I'm trying to play with them and crawl on me like a toy.

I've been afraid to try dancing. I worry that the neighbors will call 911, thinking that I may be having seizures. Or else assume that my fuzzy, black dogs have finally turned on me and are trying to maul me within the confines of my own home.

My father, who is an actual medical doctor (hence the M.D. after his name), suggested I eat less and exercise. He also told me to cut out some of the food he perceives as 'junk.'

Leave it to a medical practitioner to come up with such a crazy, radical idea! Chocolate does contain antioxidants. Potato chips and French fries come from potatoes. Peanut butter cups contain protein. And don't gummy bears now have vitamin C?

Happy New Year!

From top to bottom: Lilly, Ace and Bob.

Three tired, fuzzy, black dogs all tuckered out after ringing in the New Year. 

Happy New Year to all my readers!

New Year Resolutions, Fuzzy, Black Dogs Style

The fact that you're reading this right now means that I'm still alive, well and writing. I stared death in the face and lived to tell my tale! I took a licking and kept on... Ugh! Gross!

That could have been a good pun, but the event it refers to is just too fresh in my mind. Regardless, the above topic and pun reflect my first two resolutions for 2015. I resolve not to lick ANY dogs (ever!) and to create and print more and better puns and witticisms. Especially puns that refer to fish...

For the curious, here is the remainder of my list of New Year Resolutions.

I resolve to keep my readers updated on any weird, new products available to the unsuspecting public.

I resolve to hone my selfie-taking skills and take a good selfie of myself. Is that redundant? I'll also locate and eradicate redundancies in my writing!

Good focus, bad aim and perhaps a little less hair gel...

I resolve to overcome my addiction to Pop-Tarts. In case of failure, I plan to reduce my Pop-Tart intake. Significantly.

I resolve to run more 5K's in 2015 and the future. That's my contingency plan should my backup plan of the reduction of Pop-Tarts not work out the way it is supposed to.

My last ditch effort resolution should none of this work is to get Pop-Tarts to sponsor this blog. I wonder if they'd pay in cash or toaster pastries?

I resolve to petition Clairol to rename their hair coloring from Nice 'n Easy to something more accurate. Maybe just shorten it to Nice. I didn't perceive it to be that easy. Regardless, my wife will have to find someone else to help her in the future.

I resolve to take my idea for CeleBags to the guys on ABC's Shark Tank. Perhaps my first bags will be Mark Cuban, Kevin O'Leary, Robert Herjavec, Barbara Corcoran, Daymond John and Lori Greiner. I've heard schmoozing sometimes helps with those guys.

And, when I finally take down Christmas, I resolve to store the top of the Christmas tree in the same general area that I store the rest of the tree. Let's pray I remember THIS resolution a week from now!