Special Thanks for Thanksgiving

We, meaning the inhabitants of the Haworth household, have a lot to be grateful for this fine Thanksgiving Day. Here is a brief list of what my wife, my son and I are grateful for, as well as Bob, Ace and Lilly!

I know without asking that my wife is grateful for a few days off from school. Both of them. She's working hard on that Master's degree. I don't think I'm putting words in her mouth by saying she's also grateful for such a kind, warm-hearted, loving, amazing hubbie, who just happens to be the most modest, yet talented, gourmet chef on the East Coast of the U.S.

My son is grateful he'll be 16 in just less than two weeks. I think he's grateful for Dr. Who. He's also grateful to have a most awesome and cool, yet smart and witty, guy for a father.

Bob is grateful it's Thanksgiving. Period. He's also happy and grateful to hang out at my feet in the kitchen, cleaning up behind me every time I manage to drop food. Bob's always thankful for the prospect of more food. I think Bob loves me.

Ace is grateful for a warm lap to sit in. He's also thankful that his crazy owner has finally started running and is taking him out in the leash. Ace loves his owner!

Lilly is grateful for... Well, that she is capable of sleeping 12 hours in my bed without a single potty break! She's also thankful to the guy that feeds her. Me!

While I'm at it, my sisters are both grateful for a most sensitive, caring brother and my parents are thankful for the world's best son! My mother-in-law is thankful because I'm the world's greatest son-in-law

And me? I'm grateful for my awesome family that puts up with me. But I'm really thankful that I'm the writer, the creator of this blog. Otherwise, this could have turned out a whole lot different!

Turkey Facts for Thanksgiving

Turkey Day, or Thanksgiving, if you will, is right around the corner. I've read and learned some frightening real facts about the first Thanksgiving, which I won't be relaying to anyone through this post.

Instead, I will give you some facts that I just happen to know about turkeys. I suspect that they're fairly accurate, as I seem to remember reading them in some sort of reliable source. Regardless, prepare your horizons to be expanded.

I have never hit a turkey, either wild or domestic, with my car. I once came close to wiping out a small colony of wild turkeys that crossed the road in front of me. Luckily, I missed them!

Turkeys have wattles. Some humans have wattles, too. Turkeys, however, are supposed to have them.

It's been said that Benjamin Franklin lobbied to make the turkey the national bird for the US. Old Ben also went kind of nuts in his old age, as a matter of fact.



Umm... Yeah, that's my turkey!



If you over fry a turkey, it will explode. On that same token, if you undercook a turkey, it can make you very sick! It won't taste good, either.

It takes a very, very long time to cook a whole turkey! I know. I've done it once.

Wild turkeys can fly up to 55 miles per hour for short distances. I once had a VW that went that fast. Downhill.

Turkeys can see in color. Does that include bright hunter orange? Just asking...

Wild Turkey has no turkey in it at all. In fact, it's alcohol. Whiskey, to be exact. It can seriously mess you up!

I've read in several places that turkeys can drown if they look up while it's raining. Has this really been tested? I hope not! I think I know some humans who would drown if they looked up while it's raining.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Phone Apps Prove a Pain in the App!

I was attempting to write this post while I was walking to my car after school last Friday. Luckily, none of my coworkers saw me walk into the wall while I typed away. I could have avoided that, though, because there is an app for that!

Sure, I could have looked up and watched where I was going. No fun! Or I could have utilized Type and Walk and avoided my collision.

The app makes use of the camera on your iPhone, or handheld distraction device of your own choosing, and displays an image of what is right in front of you on the screen. I'll be getting the upgrade version, myself. Wouldn't want to be hit from the side by an out-of-control first-grader or unseen car!

As a matter of fact, I've discovered a whole host of crazy, pointless apps.

One app is simply called Pou. Pou? Yes, Pou. It is brown and shaped kind of like a... Hmm. The ad says you can feed your pou. You can take care of your pou. You can even watch your pou grow!

Pou? Thank you, but no thanks.

On the not so silly scale, there are all sorts of exercise program apps that you can download. I put C25K (Couch to 5K) on my iPhone not that long ago. I had to become reacquainted with the 'couch' part after my dental work. Good news, though. I've started over and am back on track!

I found one app simply titled Pocket. Apparently, if you find something on the Internet you want to keep for later, you simply put it in your pocket. Kinda takes away from the fun of printing everything out and panicking the night before, say, vacation because you can't locate your itinerary, reservations, directions, etc.

Of course there are apps for all the social media out there -- Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumbler, Vine and many more that I know of only by name. If you are into meeting people with green unibrows, I guarantee you there's a social media app for that!

The food apps? Let's not even delve into that! There are apps out there to help you be gluten free, lactose free, peanut free, tree nut free, fat free, dairy free, sugar free and frog intestine free!

Okay, I made up the frog intestine free. However, I feel certain that if you look long or hard enough, you could probably find it.

I'm in the process of designing my own app. It will be called the Bobinator. The irony in the name is that Bob, my extraterrestrial spaniel, eats everything. Everything.



Bob, the extra-terrestrial dog that eats EVERYTHING!



The app will pick up on the sound of Bob eating something he shouldn't and emit a high pitched shriek which should stop him. Not many things can stop that dog from eating, but my fingers are crossed for the Bobinator.

High Point's Newest Landmark. The Blob?

I'm a little perplexed with my home town of High Point. After what seemed like 20 years of construction, the city has nearly completed its first (and hopefully last) round-about.

I say nearly only because they're in the process of beautifying the traffic atrocity now.

This sign is a slight misrepresentaion of what's to come.

Here's the sign that informs the unwary public that they are approaching a "round-about." This, however, is what they face as they actually approach the intersection.

Ummm... Wait, what? Can I pull a U-turn?

It's a little confusing. There are four traffic islands that spring from its "corners." I use the term corners loosely, as they are rounded off. Also, there seems to be an odd curve to the whole thing. I believe if I were to take an aerial view, it would be shaped remarkably like a very large comma.

So what do we call it? Round-about? Not very accurate. Round-a-comma? Sounds kind of literate, doesn't it? Or simply The Blob, as my family likes to call it.

It's nearly as confusing as the intersection it replaced. I think my mother has already gotten lost on it once. She had to go around the whole thing three times in order to figure out how to get to where she was going.

The grass is starting to grow in it from the city's traffic beautifying committee. They just planted trees today, in fact. It has walkways in it for pedestrians (because it's so large, of course).

Rumor has it that benches will be installed. That will be so people can sit and watch the traffic accidents as they occur. My son thinks it will be a High Point hang out. They'll fix it up more and have "bands in The Blob," as well as other fun events.

The best thing? Now I can find my house faster on Google Earth. My house is much easier to find now that I have a giant comma right around the corner!

Watch Out, Dr. Seuss!

I gave up searching for an illustrator for some of my other writing projects that I have done. Instead, I've decided to take matters into my own hands. I found one of my son's books on how to draw cartoons and will be trying my hand at illustrating those nearly completed projects!



I forgot that really cool teacher's assistant in the grapes.



This is my bunch o' grapes. Notice, if you will, that there are 18 grapes in my bunch. That number just happens to coincide with average number of students in a first grade class at the school in which I work.

Each grape has a name. No. I won't tell them to you, or whose class they represent. I suspect my teachers, however, will figure out which class they represent.

Neither the teacher nor the assistant is depicted in my drawing. The reason for this is simple. I'm not yet good enough to depict wisdomly beauty or total nerdiness yet. Give me time... Give me time.

An interesting mix of abstract, surrealist and post modern.

I must say that my cartoon frog has improved dramatically from  his previous bubble body. There is a reason I didn't show a depiction of my original frog.

Here are but a few more of my recent creations. I will be working on bodies soon. Hopefully, they will go as well as the heads have gone. Hmmm...

No comment necessary...

Ironically, the top right drawing, which I got directly from my sketch book, looks remarkably like my own father when I nearly ran him over with his own truck. But that's another story and one we have delved into before.

Regardless, I will be attempting to infuse more visuals into these posts, whether they be drawings or photos.

As my "talents" progress, I may be attempting a cartoon portrait of my entire family! I can just feel their excitement mounting now!

Life Lessons, First-Grader Style

It seems there have been a ton of self-help books written that teach you all about life's lessons. Trust me, I know. I've read a few of them myself. Each one of them claims to have "the answer" you're looking for.

Yeah. Right.

After paying close attention to my first-graders, I have learned that these six and seven year-olds hold a wealth of knowledge. In fact, here are some of life's real lessons that I have culled from my observations of these little ones in action.

Pitching a fit wont fix anything, but it sure is fun!

When in doubt, suck your thumb (or other digit of preference).

Your birthday trumps anything. You shouldn't have to do anything on your birthday.

If you don't know what to do, either draw on something or don't do anything at all.

If you don't know the answer to a question that's posed to you, point to yourself and say, "You mean me, (insert teacher's name here)?"

Anytime is a good time to crawl under a desk.

If you're unsure of something, poke it with a sharp pencil.

Almost anything can be eaten, whether it's edible or not.

Stickers and stamps have magical powers. They make the world go round.

Band-Aids fix anything that hurts. No wound is too small for a Band-aid.

Your neighbor always has better markers (dry erase or permanent), crayons, pencils, highlighters or erasers than you do.

Anytime's a good time to dig for gold (you know what I mean). A kid's got to do what a kid's got to do!

And my favorite? Easy... There's no problem too big or complex that you can't hide from it in the bathroom!

Bermuda Triangle Secrets Discovered!

After spending extensive time as a first grade teachers assistant (nearly three years, now), I've made a startling discovery. First-graders are really aliens in disguise!

There is a slim possibility that I may be wrong about this one. In fact, my alternate theory is that my first-graders really are just kids, but they can communicate directly with extraterrestrials!

Where's your evidence, you may ask. I give you exhibit A -- Dee (obviously NOT her real name!). Dee likes to walk around and mark on everyone's work. To mere mortals and school teachers, the marks look remarkably like scribbles.

What she is really doing is writing the same message over and over again! By writing the same message multiple times, it's more likely to be seen and read by those keeping an eye on us. You know, the 'ones' with whom she is communicating. Pretty sneaky!

Then there's exhibit B, Bo (not his real name, either!). Not as subtle as Dee, Bo likes to teleport within the confines of the classroom.

"Bo," I say, sternly. "Get off the computer and park it at your desk!"

"I am at my desk, Mr. Haworth." And, sure enough, there he is, sitting at his desk.

"Bo," I say again a millisecond later. "Please get out of your cubby and sit down!"

"I am sitting, Mr. Haworth." Again, there he is, sitting in his seat. 

It's almost creepy how he does that.

The secret to the Bermuda Triangle lies within the minds of these first-graders.

Like the squadron of planes that disappeared, inexplicable classroom phenomena have taken place under my watch.

Pencils, pencil sharpeners, crayons and markers have been known to disappear without a trace. I've even had an entire table disappear! Strange leaks have occurred around the water fountains and sinks. I think I've even seen single shoes laying around, though I've never spotted a kid wearing only one shoe...

And then there are the amazing moving desks. Whether the kids sit at them or not, they slowly rotate around the room, like a rotisserie on super slo-mo.

I've analyzed the details and here are the facts. I'm an assistant in three classrooms. A triangle has three sides (and three vertices! First grade info!). Three strikes and you're on red. Three colors for behavior. Three parts of a story (beginning, middle and end). Eighteen students per class, which is divisible by three! I could go on.

Rest assured that when my rooms begin humming, my kids' eyes start glowing and the water fountain water begins bubbling, I will be in the principal's office. We will be discussing my million dollar contract or my immediate transferral!