English Proves Difficult to Learn

While I am currently in a waiting mode with my first-graders as far as National Poetry Month goes, I have spent considerable time pondering the English language. Maybe too much.

When was the last time you thought about it? Exactly how much ice is in your ice cream? There are certainly no grapes in my grape jelly. All ladybugs are not ladies. If you drown in quicksand, as I understand, it's really a slow process. Fireflies aren't made of fire and butterflies aren't made of butter.

Take the word wet, for example. If you fall in a creek, out of a boat or into a pool, you will get wet, plain and simple. But if you're a newbie at, say, anything, then you're wet behind the ears. I had a friend once who liked to whet his appetite with a glass of wine. Spelled different, pronounced the same.

Earlier today, I spent a short amount of time sharpening my knife. I used my whetstone, of course. No worries, though, since my whetstone wasn't wet.

Here's something frightening. Sweetmeat, it turns out, is the culinary name for testicles. Sorry, but that's true. Sweetmeat, however, is not sweet. Nor is it considered to be meat. Hmm... Go figure.

I share my home with my wife, my son and three fuzzy, black dogs. I fixed hot dogs for dinner several days back. One dropped, and was eaten by dog. Lucky dog, or cannibal? Of course, the three dogs dogged me the entire time I was in the kitchen cooking. By the end of that day, I was dead dog tired.

It's no wonder the English language is one of the hardest languages to learn. An exchange student at my high school once told me that English is crazy and makes no sense!

Nonsense! His statement incensed me. Since then, I have had the good sense to use the English language to try and make some cents of my own.

Groeten ann Alle/Greetings to All

Gegroet, mijn Nederland vrienden! Ik wil u bedanken voor het bezoeken van mijn blog, Fuzzy, Black Dogs. Afhankelijk van het aantal pageviews die ik heb ontvangen van uw grote land, het lijkt erop heb ik wel een volgende ontwikkeld. Ik hoop dat u mijn schrijven te fris, schoon en verkiwikkend te lezen. Zo niet, ik hoop dat je in ieder geval vind ik gek tirades te vermaken!

At the risk of chancing any further offense, I'm switching to English. It's my native language and, obviously, the only language I really know. With the previous paragraph, I've taken a great leap of faith with an online translator.

I don't know Dutch. Period. I really don't know any foreign language. I took three years of French in high school and, shortly after graduating, found myself in Mexico. As part of a program, I taught first aid in several small villages, as well as hiked two volcanoes there. Needless to say, my language skills didn't do me much good while in Mexico. The most foreign language I know I learned from a Mexican fast-food chain's mascot dog from their commercials.

All this having been said, I hope I haven't said something stupid in my opening paragraph. I hope my faith in my translator program hasn't been misplaced. And, in case I did say something outlandish, the opening paragraph should be translated to say the following:

Greetings, my Netherland friends! I want to thank you for visiting my blog, Fuzzy, Black Dogs. According to the number of pageviews I have received from your great country, it seems that I have developed quite a following. I hope you find my writing to be crisp, clean and invigorating to read. If not, I hope you at least find my crazy rantings to be entertaining!