Fuzzy Dawg Numba For

Dis is Lilly. I may be da smallest but I da smartest. So dis is my blog post.

Im relly not liking dis krismus thing. First, dese humans move stuff all over da plase. Then dey put a tree inside da hous! Reely?? Dey hang soks out of reach where we cant eat dem and put boxs unda da tree. Put bags unda it to. I rememba food unda it wonce. It was good. Den dey stopped dat. Kwazy humans.

Ya no, dey used ta put water unda da tree for us ta dwink. Dey dont even do dat any mor! I got soo tirstee!!

Any way, dis last krismus reely sucked. They got a new dog! Dat is NOT us hidin fwom da new dog in da stoopid pichur you see.

It must be a boy hes so stoopid! Kinda like Bob. He gos bak and forth. He liks da flor but not like Ace. He bumps me when Im on da flor. He skares Bob reel bad. He dont mess wif Ace. I dont twust him. Hes got no hair. Hes rownd like a cookee. Hes blak. Hes noisee.

Da humans namd him ruma. Rumba. Rooba. Somten. Here he comes agin! Gotta go!

Dear Santa,

I realize that Christmas is practically upon us. While I realize this may be short notice, I wanted to give you a brief list of those items that I may want, or need, for Christmas this year.

First of all, you might want to know that I'm no longer working with kindergartners, Santa. I have my own classroom of third-graders now! I'm moving up in the world! Well, I guess you could look at it that way...

Regardless, I need seat belts. Lap belts, actually. It doesn't matter what car they go with since I'm going to specialty attach them to certain third-graders seats. I'll even take some old time-y ones that don't have a quick release mechanism.

I need a mute button, Santa. That way, after one student has said my name more than three times within the space of 10 to 20 seconds, I simply hit the mute button and, voila, no sounds!

As for myself, I think I need to replace the randomizer with an accurate scale, Santa. This morning it told me I was 191.3, then it told me 186.7. I went with the lower number, but I think accuracy may be required.

How about a little Christmas Santa magic and create MS LessonPlanner. All you have to do, MicroSoft, is create a software that all I have to do is plug in my students, their levels, the reading and the math standards and my daily schedule and... POOF! Your software spits out a daily lesson plan! Should be simple work for a computer geek, right?

Anyway, I know you probably keep a backlog of other requests previously sent. Feel free to pull from any of my previous lists I've sent.

Thank you,

Fuzzy, Black Dogs

Happy Hangs Around

During the holidays, Happy is followed with the word 'Holidays.'

Approximately five years ago, as I was taking down the Christmas decorations, my son spied me taking down the words on the door frame above the French doors.

"Do we really have to take 'Happy' down," he asked. "Just because the holidays are over, does that mean happy is over too? We should keep 'Happy' up all year round."

I scoffed. I told him how ridiculous that was. 'Happy' belonged with the Christmas decorations.

Like I said, that word has been on the door frame as a gentle reminder for a little more than five years now.

Griswolds Make Grizzly Neighbors

I've lived at my little corner now for approximately seven years. In all that time, I've only recently discovered that Clark W. Griswold, the fictional character from the movie "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation," lives directly behind me!

The poor guy recently fell off his roof. It happened around 10pm one evening, several weeks back. Thankfully, he did survive the approximate 25-foot fall. Sadly, he didn't escape injury.

He could've been stringing Christmas lights, though I heard he was cleaning out his gutters when it happened. That late at night, both stories sound dubious, if you ask me.

Regardless, it wasn't until a week ago that I finally made the connection between the neighbor and his similarity to Chevy Chase's movie character. A week ago was when Cousin Eddie moved in.

I must have been at work when the RV first rolled into place. Now the view out my kitchen window consists of Eddie's RV in the road in front of their house, yellow and orange power cords racing between the house and the mobile, silver living quarters. 

I find it strange that I didn't make the connection earlier. When we first moved in, he introduced himself in my back yard in the dark to my mother-in-law. He was barefoot, wearing a t-shirt and underwear, and sporting a steaming cup of coffee. He informed her that he was an insomniac.

For approximately three years, he woke my wife and me up every weekend in the Spring and Fall. During those seasons, every Saturday without fail, he cranked up a bulldozer at 6am in order to grade his back yard. 

That's a whole lot of grading! One would think he was building a pool.

Turns out it took three years of grading in order to make his man cave! The back yard 'storage shed' he built covers more square footage than my house! The two-story structure is replete with electricity, AC and running water. So that's all the other noises we heard...

Reflections of the Holiday Season

As each year passes, I tend to look back on the Christmas season and reflect. I also look back on it and rate it according to how unique, trauma-filled, stressful or fun it was.

On a general scale of one to ten, with a ten being a horrible, stressful holiday season, I rated this past Christmas a two.

It seems the holidays really went pretty smoothly this year. A couple of ornaments fell, as they do every year, but no trees. I don't think any ornaments or gifts were eaten. No one was hurt, maimed or traumatized... At least, none that I know of!

The most unsettling thing that happened were the fuzzy, black gifts we gave friends and family this past Christmas. I felt like I needed to pass out razors with the gifts just to shave the fur off!

Over the holidays, Ace took up residence under the Christmas tree. Add that to the usual shedding of all three dogs and suddenly the gifts begin to resemble a litter of black, furry pups beneath the Christmas tree!

I enjoyed the seeming restfulness of the holiday season this year, though. It was a nice respite from years past when we've had trees knocked over, ornaments eaten and trees brown early. Dogs generally don't care what vessel holds their water, so long as it's wet.

I've nearly completed putting the remnants of Christmas away. The ornaments, lights and garland have all been put away in my nearly OCD style.

"Holidays," part of the decorative words Happy Holidays which we display in our house, still stands atop of the door waiting to be tucked away. And "Happy?" Well, it stays put since my son told a few years ago, "We can always use some extra 'Happy' all year round, daddy."

Dear Santa, I Tried to be Good...

Dear Santa,

I've been good this year, relatively speaking. In fact, I've been a good husband, father, brother, son-in-law, uncle, brother-in-law, dog owner, teacher, friend, tutor, employee and inspirational role model.

I suppose my dog owner persona could probably use some improvement, but the incident in question, Santa... Well, it was justified.

Regardless, I'm really not asking for too much this year, I don't think, but I'll let you be the judge of that. With that being said, here it is:

I want a grill, Santa. I want a giant two stage, four grill top wide gas grill with all the bells and whistles, including the extra side burners, food prep station and locking wheels.

Also, Santa, I want a car. You know, that 'special' car. Do I really need to describe the "dream scream machine" again for the 40th time?

Just make sure it has that one feature where it is undetectable to police radar and scanners. There's no reason for that, really. I've just always thought it would be a neat feature...

I also want a clue. I never knew I needed one until after I got married and had a child. They sometimes tell me I need one, though I'm not sure why.

I appreciate the job, Santa. I really do. However, I was unaware of the fact that I had to specify that the six figures I requested the job have all come to the LEFT of the decimal point.

No more dogs, please, Santa! I've reached my quota of fuzzy, black dogs (or white, brown, golden or any other color dog for that matter).

Tell you what, Santa. Here's the rest of my list in one big lump. Many of these have been described before in pretty good detail, so I feel certain you know what I'm talking about by now.

A bass boat, a computer, books, a Karmen Ghia (it's a different car!), a dirt bike, five extra hours in a day, books, a beer making machine, a volunteer yard maintenance crew, books, a sailboat, an in deck hot tub and maybe some more books.

This is only the abbreviated version, Santa. Feel free to contact me if you want me to send the extended, full version of my wish list.

Phillip's Holiday Eating Guide

I'm a man of many hats... Father, husband, son, uncle, in-home sick care provider, cook, bill payer, lawn maintenance provider, home maintenance provider, general car fix-it guy, chauffeur... Okay. You get the picture. However, today I'm going to try on a new hat -- self-help diet guru!

What better way to try out my newest title than to help my readers through this troubled time (known as the Holiday Season!) with my vast and incredible knowledge about food and general dietary needs. Let's start with a brief quiz.

The food you are eating these days...
1. Is it sweet?
2. Is it salty?
3. Can you eat it for breakfast, lunch or dinner?
4. Does it come individually wrapped?
5. Do you inexplicably crave it at seemingly random times of the day and/or night?
6. Does it contain chocolate in any way, shape or form?
7. Is it fun to eat?
8. Would your (or any, if you don't have one) ten year-old son eat it?
9. Would dogs, cats, ferrets, parakeets or iguanas eat it if it is left out?
10. Can it be described as yummy, tasty or "Mmmmm-that-is-heavenly!"?

If you answered 'Yes' to any of the questions above, it's probably not something healthy to eat. If you answered 'Yes' to all of them, then I know it's not something healthy to eat and might cause you to gain a little holiday weight.

In years past, before I was married, I listened to my mother and 'stuck with green stuff.' In light of my holiday diet in years past, however, she has since rescinded that comment. Apparently, she was not referring to the little tree-shaped cookies with the the green icing, or the green M&M's, or green gummies, or green jelly beans, or... Well, you get the idea.

Keeping all this in mind, you have only two options open to you as far as what you can eat throughout this holiday season. The first would be plain, uncooked oatmeal straight out of the box. That means you can't put butter, salt, syrup, sugar or any flavoring on it. The second would be Brussel sprouts. They're green AND supposed to be healthy for you, though I've never actually witnessed anyone besides my mother consume one.

And there you have it! Just stick with Phillip's Famous Holiday Eating Plan and by the time January 1st rolls around, you'll be a leaner, meaner and more fit you! Happy eating and happy holidays!

Translators: A Game or a Tool?

Vrolijk Kerstfeest en Gelukkig Vakanties naar al mijn toegewijde lezers! Het was een leuk jaar posting op mijn "literaire" plaats, Fuzzy, Black Dogs. Ik heb posting diepe gedachten, literaire stukken en kleine stukjes van de poëzie voor bijna een jaar nu. Ik hoop te blijven onderhouden en het maken van glimlacht nog minstens een jaar.

Счастливого Рождества и праздники для всех моих преданных читателей! Это было весело год размещения на мои "литературные" места, нечеткие, черные собаки. Я отправлял глубокие мысли, литературной части и кусочки поэзии почти год. Я надеюсь продолжить развлекательного и сделать улыбки, по крайней мере еще ​​на год.

God Jul och Gott Semester till alla mina hängivna läsare! Det har varit ett roligt år att publicera på min "litterär" plats, Fuzzy, svarta hundar. Jag har varit posta djupa tankar, litterära bitar och små bitar av poesi i nästan ett år nu. Jag hoppas kunna fortsätta underhållande och göra ler i minst ett år till.

Hopefully, that little message I wrote in Dutch, Russian and Swedish translates properly into the following:

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all my devoted readers! It's been a fun year posting fun things on my "literary" venue, Fuzzy, Black Dogs. I've been posting deep thoughts, literary pieces and little bits of poetry for nearly a year now. I hope to continue entertaining and making smiles for at least another year.

There's just something fun about translators. I've been playing with them since my son first started taking Spanish. The only Spanish I know I learned from a Mexican fast-food chain's mascot dog from their commercials! So it stands to reason that I would end up utilizing an online translator in order to offer useful help to my son struggling with a foreign language.

However, I don't get to help him as much these days. So now I just pop onto the translators from time to time and translate whatever comes to mind. Sure translators are a great tool, but if someone turns them into a game, I'm sure to be one of the highest scorers!

Perhaps it's time for me to get serious and quit goofing off on the translators...

May the Force be With You

I like to challenge myself with my reading sometimes. Right now, I'm reading -- albeit, very slowly -- a three series (books), post-modern novel that my Father-in-law gave me for a special occasion. While I won't tell you when I started the story, I will tell you that I am currently 50 pages into the first book. Wow! Only approximately 2.8 more books to go until I finish. I plan to have it read by Christmas. Next Christmas, that is.

Every now and again, though, it's good to just lay back and enjoy a no-brainer and just get lost in the story. I went through a brief period where I did just that. I read nothing but Star Wars novels. I'm pretty certain that phase lasted approximately eight months. According to my wife and teenage son, however, that phase lasted for two very long years.

My original plan was to read ALL the Star Wars novels available, which numbered around 140 books at the time. Unfortunately, more books are being added all the time and that number changed. Also, they seemed to be having a strange effect on me.

According to two family members (since the other three don't speak English), I began to make all sorts of Star Wars metaphors and analogies for random life situations. They said I also began speaking gibberish, or, as my son not-so-quaintly put it, speaking a stupid Star Wars language no one but me understood.

Shortly thereafter, the intervention took place. Drugs, my son and wife told me, are not the answer. Then they explained that drugs can take many forms, such as the form of a Star Wars novel. My current drug, they pointed out, was not only poisoning my mind, but ruining their lives as well.

I won't bore you with the rest of that event except to say that they are sometimes prone to exaggeration. I have since moved on, though, and have finished nearly every Preston & Childs book available, except two. I plan to get those very soon.

Until I do, may the force be with you all.