Life Just Needs a Little Spice

Variety is the spice of life. Luckily for my wife (and some others), I make life more fun and interesting with my creative, witty, and sometimes inventive texts.

With the recent snow storm North Carolina received, my coworkers got a small taste of my creativity.

Coworker: How's it going your way?
Me: (With a fish picture off a YouTube video) Fishy! But outside, white cold and slippery

It just comes naturally. The humor always spills out of me at the oddest times. While at an estate sale with my wife, I texted, "We NEED a pretzel maker!" I think she thought I was serious. She responded, "Oh dear."

Sometimes my humor helps soften the blow of something that may be unpleasant, so to speak. My sweet, darling significant other doesn't love shrimp and grits quite as much as I do... I finished dinner one night and promptly texted, "Come down so you can push yer shrimp around yer bowl some.  :) "

I took the dog for a walk in the snow storm when I got this text...

Wife: I hope you're heading home

Me: Nah... The dog wants a beer. Heading to convenience store

I like to think I handle criticism well, though I've been told otherwise. Sometimes, my cooking comes under fire. Recently, my betrothed told me I don't break up the meat enough in my Spanish Rice. 

"It's like mini-hamburgers imbedded in a rice casserole," I believe were her exact words.

After she walked off, the creative sparks in my brain just started firing and it was like I had no control over my fingers as I began texting furiously...
Me: Researched it. When the conquistadors invaded China, they put flattish balls of meat beneath the rice mixture. That was back in the 1500's-ish, or so. They wanted to show that they were embracing the culture upon which they were about to vanquish.
And this is how we get Spanish Rice!
Me: (second text) Wanted to make it authentic (meaning my previous attempts at recipe). Thought it would taste better.

A Tearful Goodbye

 A dear friend, practically a family member, passed today.

I said a lengthy prayer as I delicately placed him into the trash can. The tears welled up, threatening to spill down my cheeks as I reminisced about the good times we shared together.

He was there for the intimate date nights when my wife and I married. He served us well when we added to our family a sweet baby boy. He performed phenomenally for family functions throughout the years, as well as welcoming wonders for neighbors, old and new.

His loyalty never wavered as he created crescendos of wavy, wondrous noodles, enveloped in cheese, sauce, spices and sometimes beef.

Sadly, he met his demise today in the kitchen sink. His life literally came to a crashing end due to my slippery, sardonic hands. I dropped him. 

And now, the only lasagne pan I have ever known, slipped from my life and will be forever missed.

Goodbye old friend!

How the Haworth Found Christmas

It seems I'm back at it. You know, rewriting classic stories.

So, this time, I thought I would have yet another go at another Dr. Seuss classic, How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

Why, you might be asking. One, because I can. Two, because it's fun. And, three, it seemed like a great idea to couple it with my first grade students' artwork and showcase it with our crazy door design for the classroom door contest!

So, without any further adieu, I present to you How the Haworth Found Christmas.

Every Charles England student
liked Christmas a lot!
But the Haworth, who taught there
in first grade, did NOT!

The Haworth despised Christmas

for no discernible reason.

And not just Christmas Day,

but the whole darn season!

No one knows why 

he hated Christmas so much.

Rumors abounded about

no fishing, and such.

While that may be possible,

the real reason might be

that Mister Haworth’s heart

was too small! Yes sirree!!

Whatever the reason,

his heart or the trout,

old Haworth grumbled at

the students all about

who went about their days

with smiles on their faces,

dreaming of holiday break

and happier places.

For he knew every student

in his room AND in the school

were crazy excited

like insane little fools!

“And they’re ignoring mathematics,”

he mumbly grumbled,

“and reading, writing and science,”

he grumbly mumbled!

He tapped on his teacher desk,

a staccato song in his ear.

“I MUST stop Christmas

from making it’s way here!”

For, next week, he knew…

All the Charles England kids

would come in to his class

begging to see Christmas vids!

And they’d run. And they’d play.

And they’d play, play, play, play!

And they’d get so full of candy,

they’d be horrible all day!

Then the kids, first through fifth,

would refuse to sit down,

and they’d hustle and bustle

and keep moving around!

And THEN they’d do something

that made Haworth quite crazy.

They’d all go beserk

as they’re brains became hazy!

Any manners they had

would all fly away.

No one would know where

they’d disappear to that day.

And they’d talk! And they’d talk!

And they’d TALK, TALK, TALK, TALK!

Something Haworth liked the least - 

all the TALK, TALK, TALK, TALK!

Haworth stewed and he thought,

“Gotta stop the entire thing!

I’m 53 years old!

I can’t wait until Spring!”

Then Haworth had a thought.

A light bulb went off!

He had an idea

how to pull this whole thing off!

“Field Trip!” he yelled.

Students scrambled and scurried.

He watched as they hustled

and bustled and hurried

to all get lined up

to get on the buses,

while other teachers watched,

Wondering what all the fuss is.

As the last student loaded on

and the door was closed tight,

each bus cranked up

for an epic filled flight.

“Be ready for a field trip

of epic proportions!

A solid two weeks of

educational absorption!”

The vehicle turned right

and the engine started to pull.

A small voice called out

while still in sight of the school.

“Mr. Haworth,” she cried out,

“I DO like to learn…

But I prefer math

on MobyMax, IXL and Zearn.”

“I’d like to go back,”

said Carter McNook.

“I just want to

get lost deep inside a good book!”

The Haworth just stopped.

Stopped dead in his tracks.

Unable to go forward and

unwilling to turn back.

“We need our classrooms

“and teachers, Mr. Haworth, please!

“Can we go back now?

“Please, Mr. Haworth. Please!”

These children wanted to learn!

Why, they hadn’t lost their manners!

In fact, they begged Mr. Haworth

to help them find answers!

It’s been said in that bus

on that fateful day,

that Mr. Haworth finally

discovered his way

back to the reason

he first started to teach -

to help all those children

who needed someone to reach

out to them. Someone

to tell them they matter,

to say “It’s really okay,”

when they anxiously chatter.

So they turned the bus round

and headed back to the school.

But Mr. Haworth yelled out,

“I have but one great big rule!”

“As you go back

“to your classrooms today,

“enjoy yourselves! Have fun learning!

“That’s simply the best way!”