My fellow Americans. It is with a sad, heavy heart that I announce through my blog, Fuzzy, Black Dogs, that I will not be your president for the upcoming term.
I accepted my defeat gracefully and called my fellow presidential hopefuls to offer congratulations and condolences. Though I was unable to reach Obama or Romney personally, the people I spoke with assured me that they would pass along my messages. I just hope they don't call me back when I'm working with my students in the morning. That would be embarrassing!
Despite the results from last night, I'm upbeat and busy readying myself for the 2016 election. My new party, which I created myself, will be called the Priority Party. I will be called a "buffet line candidate." Allow me to explain.
My plan is really quite simple. I'll petition a random sampling of Americans to discover what issues are important to them. I will pull out 20 that I feel should be labeled 'top priority,' hence the name Priority Party.
Then I will place them neatly on a table and randomly choose 10, similar to the way you pick certain foods off of a buffet line, hence the term 'buffet line candidate.'
Really it's an ideal solution and a no-fail strategy. Your issues are my issues, provided they make it through the screening process described above, of course. Once we get those tackled and solved, who knows? Perhaps we'll go back to that issue-laden buffet line and pick some more problems to tackle.
My slogan will be just as simple -- "Fixing America one problem at a time!"
fuzzy, black dogs
The original three fuzzy, black dogs -- Bob, Ace and Lilly.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Friday, November 2, 2012
A-maze-ing Learning!
Ever tried to train a wild cat? Ever tried to train an entire pack of wild cats? Now, have you ever let an entire pack of wild cats loose on a farm and told them to behave? I have. It's called a field trip.
The pack of wild cats in question would be our first graders. We decided to set them loose on a local farm under the guise of an educational field trip.
On our way to the same field trip last year, one of our kids commented on the "giant dogs" we saw on on our way there.
"Those are actually goats," I said.
"Oh," he said and sat quietly a moment. "Mr. Haworth? What's a goat?"
My comment winner for this year goes to the student who told me in the corn maze "I'm only allergic to corn when its on the cob, Mr. Haworth."
Thank goodness there were no cobs in the corn bins full of corn he jumped and played in!
He told me a few of the other food items he's allergic to as well. Coincidentally, they were the same healthy foods I was allergic to when I was his age.
During the "school" portion of the trip, they showed us foods they grow like wheat. Wheat straw comes from wheat. So does wheat flour. What can we make with flour, she asked. One hand shot up and the girl attached yelled, "popcorn!"
I don't know that what we've taught the kids has stuck. But I do know what we SHOULD be teaching them.
The pack of wild cats in question would be our first graders. We decided to set them loose on a local farm under the guise of an educational field trip.
On our way to the same field trip last year, one of our kids commented on the "giant dogs" we saw on on our way there.
"Those are actually goats," I said.
"Oh," he said and sat quietly a moment. "Mr. Haworth? What's a goat?"
My comment winner for this year goes to the student who told me in the corn maze "I'm only allergic to corn when its on the cob, Mr. Haworth."
Thank goodness there were no cobs in the corn bins full of corn he jumped and played in!
He told me a few of the other food items he's allergic to as well. Coincidentally, they were the same healthy foods I was allergic to when I was his age.
During the "school" portion of the trip, they showed us foods they grow like wheat. Wheat straw comes from wheat. So does wheat flour. What can we make with flour, she asked. One hand shot up and the girl attached yelled, "popcorn!"
I don't know that what we've taught the kids has stuck. But I do know what we SHOULD be teaching them.
Saving Children from Spiders
Anyone that really knows me knows that I am not a big fan of spiders. No matter how small or non-life threatening they are, I simply don't care for those spindly, evil-looking little critters.
I usually love this time of year when the weather cools down. However, this time of year also kind of sucks. Allow me to explain that a little.
I generally like it when the temperature drops and the weather cools down. That means cool, crisp air. That means cold, wintry nights. That also means the king and Spanish mackerel are running at the coast and THAT means good fishing and great eating! Ever had a fresh mackerel steak?
Anyway, the cold weather also equates to more spiders inside the house! Apparently they've got some intelligence if they're trying to come in out of the cold, right?
Well, on the morning in question, one large and particularly ugly black spider decided to come in out of the cold. I found him on the ceiling in the entrance to the cafeteria at the elementary school I work at. In other words, right above my head!
After an avid search, I was unable to find anything to reach the offending creature to eradicate him, or her, by the only method I know to deal with such things -- squish!
Regardless, I did find the custodian. The great thing about our custodians is that they know how to handle nearly any situation thrown at them. Before I could blink, that venom dripping, massive black spider was gone, the children were safe once again and I could breathe a little easier.
But that left one other little problem -- explaining myself to the custodian. I would have gotten it, I explained, if I could have reached it. I just didn't have...
I usually love this time of year when the weather cools down. However, this time of year also kind of sucks. Allow me to explain that a little.
I generally like it when the temperature drops and the weather cools down. That means cool, crisp air. That means cold, wintry nights. That also means the king and Spanish mackerel are running at the coast and THAT means good fishing and great eating! Ever had a fresh mackerel steak?
Anyway, the cold weather also equates to more spiders inside the house! Apparently they've got some intelligence if they're trying to come in out of the cold, right?
Well, on the morning in question, one large and particularly ugly black spider decided to come in out of the cold. I found him on the ceiling in the entrance to the cafeteria at the elementary school I work at. In other words, right above my head!
After an avid search, I was unable to find anything to reach the offending creature to eradicate him, or her, by the only method I know to deal with such things -- squish!
Regardless, I did find the custodian. The great thing about our custodians is that they know how to handle nearly any situation thrown at them. Before I could blink, that venom dripping, massive black spider was gone, the children were safe once again and I could breathe a little easier.
But that left one other little problem -- explaining myself to the custodian. I would have gotten it, I explained, if I could have reached it. I just didn't have...
Sunday, October 21, 2012
What's Wrong With This World?
Who took the grapes out of my grape jelly? It has recently come to my attention, albeit through my wife, that grape jelly contains no actual grapes. She went on to tell me that it's really just grape flavored gelatin.
Now that's just crazy talk!
I immediately pulled my sticky jar of jelly from the fridge and glanced at the ingredients. No where on that jar does it list grapes as an ingredient for my jelly. My wife's response? Just a sad "I told you so" was all I got from her.
And, of course, you know what else that means. There are no apples in my apple jelly! Now that simply stinks!
Of course, this caused severe consternation for me. I began to wonder what else is missing out there. I set out on a quest to discover what else has gone AWOL in our daily lives.
I once saw a carpet that was NOT made from any fiber. The tag on the carpet boasted that in an earlier life, it was just a pile of plastic soda bottles. We have clothing made from soda bottles, too. I've seen ladies handbags made from all sorts of strange recycled products.
My Dad's deck looks like wood, but it isn't. It's made of the same synthetic material that was used to make my bird feeder. The deck, like my bird feeder, is supposed to last more than a lifetime. The salesman told me the feeder is guaranteed to never rot.
Now I know that most orange juice goes through a process where they actually take the orange out of the juice and add orange flavoring back to the "juice" later in the process.
We have a candy at the retail store I work at that is called Swedish Fish. Yes, they are quite yummy. No, they are not made in Sweden and, no, they don't contain fish. They are shaped like little fishes, though! And, in case you are wondering, they're produced in Canada.
The "wooden" desks at my school are not made of wood, though they're made to look like they are. My Mom's bacon is not made of real meat. My Ford is not made of all American parts.
Holy bacon splat, Batman! What's wrong with this world?
Now that's just crazy talk!
I immediately pulled my sticky jar of jelly from the fridge and glanced at the ingredients. No where on that jar does it list grapes as an ingredient for my jelly. My wife's response? Just a sad "I told you so" was all I got from her.
And, of course, you know what else that means. There are no apples in my apple jelly! Now that simply stinks!
Of course, this caused severe consternation for me. I began to wonder what else is missing out there. I set out on a quest to discover what else has gone AWOL in our daily lives.
I once saw a carpet that was NOT made from any fiber. The tag on the carpet boasted that in an earlier life, it was just a pile of plastic soda bottles. We have clothing made from soda bottles, too. I've seen ladies handbags made from all sorts of strange recycled products.
My Dad's deck looks like wood, but it isn't. It's made of the same synthetic material that was used to make my bird feeder. The deck, like my bird feeder, is supposed to last more than a lifetime. The salesman told me the feeder is guaranteed to never rot.
Now I know that most orange juice goes through a process where they actually take the orange out of the juice and add orange flavoring back to the "juice" later in the process.
We have a candy at the retail store I work at that is called Swedish Fish. Yes, they are quite yummy. No, they are not made in Sweden and, no, they don't contain fish. They are shaped like little fishes, though! And, in case you are wondering, they're produced in Canada.
The "wooden" desks at my school are not made of wood, though they're made to look like they are. My Mom's bacon is not made of real meat. My Ford is not made of all American parts.
Holy bacon splat, Batman! What's wrong with this world?
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Recalibrating Calendars Pose a Problem
I have to admit, I would be remiss if I didn't share a blog about my "day" job at the local elementary school where I work as a first grade teacher's assistant. While I feel I usually handle 'bumps' and 'hiccups' smoothly, the last few days have been a little less than smooth for me.
We all have 'off' days where we don't seem to get it right and the harder we try, the less we get right. Tuesday, which was really Wednesday, was one of those days for me.
Calendar math is really a straightfoward kind of thing. We go over our calendar together, how many days we've been in school, the monthly and weekly pattern, weather and coins, straws, throw some fun math in there and, presto, calendar math! Unfortunately, the presto wasn't quite there yesterday.
When I do calendar math, I always start out with the current date. The girl I called on told me it was Wednesday, Oct. 10, 2012. I had to explain to her that it was Tuesday, not Wednesday. Then she contradicted me. I stuck to my guns, so to speak.
"Uh, Mr. Haworth," said another student, coming to her aid. He simply pointed at the calendar.
It seems I may have hit the recalibrate button on the calendar. I suddenly noticed that my pointer was pointing at Wednesday and it was indeed Oct. 10, 2012. How a paper calendar can recalibrate itself is beyond my comprehension. However, one of my other teacher's calendar seemed to be suffering the same malady.
Also, I have finally reached the point where I have learned all my kids names. Sadly, I have also reached the point where I have so many names in my head that I start to get them all mixed up.
I have one student whose name I've remembered since the first day of school, which is remarkable because remembering names is not my strong point. In one day's time, I know I called that particular student Ethan and Evan, neither of which are his name. And, yes, his name starts with an 'E.' I think I may have called him Edgar and Eddie, too! Luckily, though, he wasn't aware of those little mess ups.
Maybe my name problem is not so bad since another student called me Ms. Hoover today.
We all have 'off' days where we don't seem to get it right and the harder we try, the less we get right. Tuesday, which was really Wednesday, was one of those days for me.
Calendar math is really a straightfoward kind of thing. We go over our calendar together, how many days we've been in school, the monthly and weekly pattern, weather and coins, straws, throw some fun math in there and, presto, calendar math! Unfortunately, the presto wasn't quite there yesterday.
When I do calendar math, I always start out with the current date. The girl I called on told me it was Wednesday, Oct. 10, 2012. I had to explain to her that it was Tuesday, not Wednesday. Then she contradicted me. I stuck to my guns, so to speak.
"Uh, Mr. Haworth," said another student, coming to her aid. He simply pointed at the calendar.
It seems I may have hit the recalibrate button on the calendar. I suddenly noticed that my pointer was pointing at Wednesday and it was indeed Oct. 10, 2012. How a paper calendar can recalibrate itself is beyond my comprehension. However, one of my other teacher's calendar seemed to be suffering the same malady.
Also, I have finally reached the point where I have learned all my kids names. Sadly, I have also reached the point where I have so many names in my head that I start to get them all mixed up.
I have one student whose name I've remembered since the first day of school, which is remarkable because remembering names is not my strong point. In one day's time, I know I called that particular student Ethan and Evan, neither of which are his name. And, yes, his name starts with an 'E.' I think I may have called him Edgar and Eddie, too! Luckily, though, he wasn't aware of those little mess ups.
Maybe my name problem is not so bad since another student called me Ms. Hoover today.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Phillip H. Haworth for President
While I usually steer clear of politics, the recent debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney has got me thinking. It's got me thinking that, perhaps, I need to run for president.
Believe it or not, I have actually put a considerable amount of thought into this one. While you may not see the name Phillip H. Haworth on the actual ballot come November 6th, trust me, it may not be far from voters minds.
My original VP contender, whose knowledge of politics is considerable and vast, is ineligible since he will only be 15 in the coming year. Also, the American public may frown on my son sharing the White House and Oval Office with me.
My alternate running mate will be John Stewart of The Daily Show. Who better to help me run the country as my second-in-command? It's possible that he may not be aware of this just yet...
I have a few other people picked out for key positions in my cabinet. Stephen Colbert and Ross Perot figure prominently in my plans.
You, the American public, may be wondering what issues I'll tackle. Besides my myriad of personal ones that I handle daily, I have a few pet projects. Take natural gas, for example. I pledge to get rid of all the land and sea oil rigs, pipelines, refineries and companies that produce flatulence prevention medicine. That way we can all produce our own natural gas.
I also have plans to completely eradicate all taxes and reduce the national deficit by three trillion in one fell swoop! But I can't give away all my secrets too soon. That talk will have to wait until my first debate.
Believe it or not, I have actually put a considerable amount of thought into this one. While you may not see the name Phillip H. Haworth on the actual ballot come November 6th, trust me, it may not be far from voters minds.
My original VP contender, whose knowledge of politics is considerable and vast, is ineligible since he will only be 15 in the coming year. Also, the American public may frown on my son sharing the White House and Oval Office with me.
My alternate running mate will be John Stewart of The Daily Show. Who better to help me run the country as my second-in-command? It's possible that he may not be aware of this just yet...
I have a few other people picked out for key positions in my cabinet. Stephen Colbert and Ross Perot figure prominently in my plans.
You, the American public, may be wondering what issues I'll tackle. Besides my myriad of personal ones that I handle daily, I have a few pet projects. Take natural gas, for example. I pledge to get rid of all the land and sea oil rigs, pipelines, refineries and companies that produce flatulence prevention medicine. That way we can all produce our own natural gas.
I also have plans to completely eradicate all taxes and reduce the national deficit by three trillion in one fell swoop! But I can't give away all my secrets too soon. That talk will have to wait until my first debate.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Apologies Might Be Necessary
I write today with good news, bad news and down right ugly news. The good news is that my mother has been exonerated. It turns out that she didn't take the bag of peanut M&M's which was carefully hidden in my car prior to our Kiawah trip.
With that being said, I feel I should apologize to her for accusing her of such malfeasance. I will point out, however, that she acted awfully guilty for someone so innocent of any wrong-doing. I suppose that apologies should also go out to the rest of the family (you know who you are) who also acted peculiar, though you had nothing to do with the dissappearance.
The bad news is that the bag has been in my car this whole time. It's been pretty hot this summer. Need I say more? No worries, though. I'm only eating the ones that look normal.
That leaves the down right ugly news. The bag showed up under the driver seat. My hiding place in that car is a cavity in the far back of the car. That means that the strange happenings at the North/South Carolina border did more than shrink my beers down. It also moved my bag of chocolate and candy covered peanuts approximately eight feet within my car.
I may be heading to the library soon for books on strange happenings and paranormal experiences that relate to cars and traveling...
With that being said, I feel I should apologize to her for accusing her of such malfeasance. I will point out, however, that she acted awfully guilty for someone so innocent of any wrong-doing. I suppose that apologies should also go out to the rest of the family (you know who you are) who also acted peculiar, though you had nothing to do with the dissappearance.
The bad news is that the bag has been in my car this whole time. It's been pretty hot this summer. Need I say more? No worries, though. I'm only eating the ones that look normal.
That leaves the down right ugly news. The bag showed up under the driver seat. My hiding place in that car is a cavity in the far back of the car. That means that the strange happenings at the North/South Carolina border did more than shrink my beers down. It also moved my bag of chocolate and candy covered peanuts approximately eight feet within my car.
I may be heading to the library soon for books on strange happenings and paranormal experiences that relate to cars and traveling...
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