Marriage Advice

 I had to clean my desk recently. I spent a solid three hours on it. Two more days of work should do the trick.

As I was cleaning it, I threw away 18 bookmarks (aka clothing tags, fishing product tags, etc.), saved two real book marks, found and threw away an old headlamp, and found the cord to the original first iPhone. No worries... I still have that iPhone, too.

Some of the paper scraps included lists, notes, weekly menus, and story ideas. Nestled amongst the story ideas was this little gem. A speech I gave a coworker who was about to get married.

Having been married for approximately 124 years, as my wife is fond of saying, I feel imminently qualified to dispense marriage advice to those seeking to tie the knot. Ahem.. ahem...

Advice for a Happy Couple

ALWAYS check the fridge. If one of you has ADHD, this should be done periodically. It's important. If BOTH of you have ADHD, check it more frequently. Trust me, it's imperative

NEVER begin a conversation with the phrase, "Remember that 'for better or worse' part in our vows?"

SOMETIMES, its' best to just shut up. Seriously, just shut up.

REMEMBER that you don't always have to be right, even when you are right. Please refer back to the "shut up" part listed previously.

DON'T forget to check the fridge and just shut up. Also, set your GPS, unless you're the "infallible directions" one. In that case, remind your partner to set his or her GPS. You know... just in case.

WISHING you both the best of luck! If you haven't tried to kill each other within the first 10 years, the rest is mostly smooth sailing!

WITH love from one very special unnamed coworker.

As of this writing, I'm happy to say, they're still happily married.

Noisy Travel in the Big Apple

Here in North Carolina, we toot our own horns. That's not to be confused with New Yorkers who, quite literally, honk their horns!

Having recently survived numerous bus and Uber rides through various parts of New York City, I've discovered that there seems to be a specific set of rules for horn honking while driving.

The single honk, for the most part, appears to be friendly. "Hi," "I'm behind/near you," "careful," and "don't walk in front of me" are just some translations for this singular sound.

The double honk, however, is a bit less friendly. Loosely translated, the double seems to say "Dummy!" "Move PLEASE!" and "Watch where you're going!" Up to this point, the honks are conversational and display no real cause for alarm.

The triple, however, jumps to the category as a cause for alarm. Certain vocalizations accompany this category of honk. The triple indicates the mounting ire of the driver due to unsavory, unsafe, or unthought out actions of other drivers, traffic, or even pedestrians. It may be a smart idea to have your hand on the door latch for a quick escape.

The last category is the quadruple or one long (five seconds or more) honk. Do not touch the door latch. The best course of action, if there is time, tighten your seatbelt, grab something solid, grab your significant other if you have one with your other hand, close your eyes (most importantly!), and pray. You most likely will survive this, though there is that chance that you won't.

Exaggeration? I think not. I'm a Southerner inside and out. Around this part of the world, we don't honk unless its a real emergency.